innocence and faith

i remember being taught to ride a bike like it was yesterday.
i remember spilling over the handle bars and hitting the curb.
i remember being taught time and how to give change.
i remember sitting on the living room floor with plastic pennies and paper clocks.
i could never get it right...
i remember laying in the snow on my back under the street light as the flakes would hit and melt on my face.
i remember the snow at night and the scattered jackets and winter scarves, hats and gloves trailing up the steps.
i remember sitting on the frame of my bed with an over-sized fan and listening to the distortion in my voice as i would speak into the spin of the blades.
i remember touching each of the medal spokes to remove the dust.
i remember holding my brother as a baby.
i remember opening the door to his room during is naps and just staring at him, silently hoping mom wouldn't notice and he wouldn't wake.

i have a lot of memories. memories of being a child. innocent. wide eyed and naive, the world at my feet. my parents watchful eye never too far behind.

this past weekends horrific events have made those memories more vivid. more special. and i, i am more thankful for each and every one.

they say to pray.  i find that prayer is always the answer and asking for strength and grace is the only question. prayer for me is difficult because i have not seen it answer how or better yet why? however, when tragedy or trials and tribulations show their face, there always seems to be prayer. it is constant.  it is through God, scripture, or faith that we gravitate towards. always. there is something to be said for the power of prayer and the words of the Lord whether it is something that is part of your daily routine or not. for me, i find that faith is something i cherish however, through worldly mindset and living in the "flesh" i find that it is easy to let "faith" or God out of what most end up returning too when they are weak or in need, as i'm fairly certain most Christians do.

so, with that said, may this serve as a reminder to pray as well as give praise, for life is tough and terrible things are everywhere.

no one has the answer and there will be plenty that will have their own. in a world of social media filled posts, tweets, rants, groups and raves,  it is only natural that that would be the case however, through it all.... the theories, the politics, the finger pointing and reasons why... i personally find it important to remember my memories. hold on to them tighter than i would have before. remember the things i can praise God for. the memories that those parents and i know all parents have and will always cherish of their children.

so remember the innocent questions, the lessons taught and more importantly the lessons learned. the world can be an evil place, as it has shown it's face in its darkest form...but, through it all...there will be beautiful memories and things to be forever thankful for. may those families find grace in the most difficult of days. i know that there is not a single parent, or child that does not share in the sorrow that they will continue to endure and may prayer, and praise for everything beautiful be a constant for each and every one of us.

i could do better

sometimes i think.... i could do better. i could work harder, i could laugh more and i could absolutely at least think that a smile won't kill me. [insert thought: smile god dammit sara! would it kill ya?]

the boy will actually point and laugh and say "i told ya so", but whatever... here goes nothin' (guess it's good to have a positive soul by your side? thanks for that.)

sometimes i struggle, okay, i struggle a lot with the daily grind of up, in, out and then pushing repeat. but hey, that's life right?

no. not right.

life is what you make it and to be honest, i haven't been making it all that great. honestly, i'd be lost with out my best friend a few short miles away and i find myself not wanting to be short or snippy or negative when talking about that "daily grind"...however, is this it? is this what it's all about? waiting for the weekend seems like a normal thing..but hey, whatever happened to that bliss of the American dream? its kind of romantic to think about actually. ya know, like an old black and white picture with people dressed in suites and working with their hands in the streets all the while enjoying every second just so provide for the ones they love.

obviously enough, life is pretty different now and it's easy to get stuck in the waterwheel. recently i am finding it important to try a little more, even if i think i've had it up to ears. so yea, he's right... be a mentor, act the way you're responsible for and IF all else fails... "just fuck with em', ya know? laugh at it and most importantly...enjoy it!"

i have a lot to learn and this i absolutely know is true... so, may this serve as a simple reminder to smile, listen and get up and walk around...

oh ooh ooh! here are some things i am loving right now...
(i like this idea, gonna do this for a while i think...change up!)

Grace Potter & The Nocturnals - Stars (seriously, this song is sick...listen!)
Winter Berry Hand Lotion - Williams-Sonoma
Cracker Barrel's Hashbrown Casserole 
Pillsbury Sugar Cookies (with the shapes!)
Justin Bieber - Yep.

home for the holidays

there is something special about being home for the holidays. i'm not sure if it is the decorations, the nostalgia, the family or just the season. Sure, it's not NYC or Chicago...but it does have one hell of an affinity for being quite quaint. and that, is just as good. (well...almost as good!)

everyone has a sense of connection to the place that they grew up, however as i get older i find that mine is one that is a little difficult to describe. I will though at least try.

as a bratty teenager i'm sure that i wasn't fond of the family parties, the post dinner clean ups or just the buzz that is Christmas time. Now, not the case. I find myself reflecting (yes, reflecting) a lot about growing up, growing older, moving away and then eventually coming home. coming home to what made me, well...me. coming home to the friends that i grew up with, and the family that i'd be lost without.

now, with that being said, i think that moving away is a necessary evil. i wouldn't be a proud gamecock alum, know how to kill a cockroach, OR be able to hang curtains or fix a tire myself if i didn't. so... moral of the story i think is that lessons learned along the way make coming home that much sweeter. i am thankful for the experiences along the way and am also grateful that i get to come home for the holidays, something a lot of people out there unfortunately don't get to do. so enjoy the holidays... truly the greatest time of the year.

Some favorites...

by far the best holiday season i've ever had... NYC trip with my kappa krew and bests.
when i think holidays, i think  these girls. no matter what.

something sexy about the snow... great picture.

i WILL have one, and i WILL do this...obsessed!

the only place with warm weather that i'd love to be for the holidays.. Charleston SC. I have photographed this house myself before actually... it's fairly "classic" Charleston. also obsessed!

pre thanksgiving thanks

maybe it is just the time of the year? maybe that's not a good thing...regardless, i want to give pre-thanksgiving thanks. i think that it's important to do so for a few reasons, as well as for no real reason at all.(the way it should be)...

oh and i started writing this blog four days ago. what does that tell ya? (here is a hint; i'm a horrible person)

why give thanks:

• it makes people feel good
• it acts as a personal centering mechanism
• it is important to be grateful
• the time of the year (guilty)
• perspective
• ripple effect (and who doesn't love the wave [click link] besides Bill O'Reilly?)
• what is rewarded is repeated
• it makes your parents proud (aka: makes you seem like less of a shit head) 
• life is short

so, with all of that in mind i have been seeing a lot of "what i am thankful for" daily posts on facebook. (assuming this is because it's November...so ha! i'm not the only selfish person out there!)
now, because facebook has been an absolute political opinionated mess (at least it was when i intended this to be posted...) and just because i don't think it belongs on the book, i decided to do my own little "what i'm thankful for" here goes nothing...

what i am thankful for:

• my family, more specifically the relationships with each and every one. all very different from one another, but each just as special. my mom is my rock, i am absolutely a daddy's little girl and i will always be an incredibly proud sister.
• my families health. it may not always be good news but hey, it could always be worse.
• my best friend. The best friend.
• my loving boyfriend. home will be wherever i'm with you...
• i have a job. it pays my bills.
• my parents have a job. they have always provided and never faltered. 
• shelter. in the simplest form.
• food, also in the simplest form.
• freedom (it isn't free). period.
• my degree. i couldn't be more proud or drawn to such a state, city or southern sense of charm than i could be as an alumni.
• the lesson. the lesson i was taught at an age i can't even pinpoint. my dad always made it very very clear that i would go to college. there was no discussion to be had otherwise. thank you dad.
• my stubborn sense of spirit. yep, you read correctly. i am my grandmother's granddaughter, my aunt's niece, my dad and mom's daughter in the purest form.
• the little things. ie: internet, music, candles, comfy clothes and airplanes...just to name a few.

so hey, November or not...being thankful is important. and as i wrote, i realized i have a lot to be thankful for. and to be very honest that is a rewarded feeling. and hey, after a disaster of a day like mine, maybe i was meant to not have the time or patience to write this until today... a little serendipitous if i may say?

reminder.

be still.

just because... well, it's awesome.

blogs

okay. i'm switching it up. my blogs per my personal favor are semi stress relievers. they act as a sounding board. everyone needs a sounding board. now, because of that they can be a little negative. #getoverit :)
however, i would like to say that there are SO many types stress relievers that today i've decided to get a breath of fresh air and just simply speak about an observation of mine. the not so negative kind.

as part of my daily routine i love finding new blogs, reading up on new blogs, following new blogs and of course keeping up or following up with the regulars.(oh and doing work too...) i have found that you can learn a lot from a blog. it could be DIY stuff, it could be wedding stuff, food stuff or just about anything in between type stuff. some of them are fairly inspirational and there are a good chunk out there that are a little bit more my style. stream of consciousness, and talking a little bit about life's every day thoughts, accidents and labors of love.

a few of my favorite blogs are linked below... enjoy


http://www.thesmallthingsblog.com/

http://lifelawluck.blogspot.com/

http://www.oneartsymama.com/

http://lovelylittlesnippets.blogspot.com/

http://realhousewivesofbc.blogspot.com/

http://www.myheartsdesireblog.com/

sometimes i wonder if i could be the type of mom/woman who is crafty, tech savvy, cute and everything in between like so many of these bloggers are? here's to hoping...

(insert judgement call: chances are a lot of these bloggers are stay at home moms living thoughtfully and thankfully off of good luck, hard work and a hubbies good job ($$$) therefore get to do this stuff for fun... here's to hoping for that too ;))

every two months

i look forward to a day or two every one or two months. every one or two months, if i schedule accordingly i am blessed with a vacation day or in this past weekend's case, 2. without vacation i am fairly certain that any sane person would absolutely lose their mind. however, i am a positively sure that those who like myself NEED those vacation days to see those that they actually can't any other day of the week are a little more thankful when the "check in for your flight" email alert comes in and therefore a little more disappointed when the days off quickly vanish.

good thing is, this next go around isn't a two month marathon, just a three week sprint.
bad thing is, the past weekend is over...

leaving something you love is always hard. maybe it's your mom or your dad, or maybe it's your grandmother or  even your dog. for me it is all of those things and more. see, one would figure i would be good at packing up and shipping out. one would figure i am a pro at saying goodbye. well, only part of that is true. sure, i may pack like a champ, but i'll tell ya what... the whole goodbye thing just does not look good on me. i have found that saying goodbye isn't hard because the day or weekend is over, but yet it is hard because you need to say goodbye to so much more than just a few days. it is saying goodbye to date nights, to kisses on the forehead, to homemade dinners for two, to hot tea before bed, to not waking up alone in the middle of the night, to fun weekend excursions and of course cuddling company and comforting conversation on lazy work nights... it is for me, saying goodbye to opportunity and ultimately saying hello to being back on your own...24 -7.

if you have lived alone you know that it is not easy. sure, maybe having a roommate is not your style, so you'd prefer it, but that is not really what i'm talking about. i'm talking about living thousands of miles away from your future and even farther away from your foundation. (thank god for the worlds best friend only 2 hours away) all of which for me i have finally found are the biggest part of actually feeling like yourself in this crazy mixed up world. now that, is the hard part.

sure, i have learned a lot and have grown up even more, but i can't wait until i in the very least, get to do all of this living and learning with loved ones by my side. and now like so many before...we wait. we wait for the next circled day off on the master calendar and for the plan in place to fall into just that.

hopefully that place, with a little luck will finally be a home...

...patience was never my thing, however weekends like pictured below absolutely are!

remember it

country music stars sing about it, (ie; example A, example B) Nicholas Sparks writes about it and well, girls like me have lived it. it is something that runs deep, brings scars and teaches a lot of lessons. it allows you to speak of pasts thinking that you'd be their future. it has taught me to live, learn and move on and up...or down. but, what about moving back?

it's through small town memories that you learn to take the good with the bad, enjoy a back road and single stop light towns.... its those small towns that teach you how to love, live and breathe the way that small towns intend for you too. its through small towns that the knee scrapes and high school heartache will always feel fresh and it is the same thing that make all those big cities seem just a little scarier. 

everyone comes from a place they call home. my home is a place that i can smell, touch and breathe in as if standing right on the edge of the high school parking lot, or curb of the driveway. i remember everything just a little too well. the good, the bad and the scary. sometimes i wonder if it is because of the waves from familiar strangers or the comfortable red barns and faded yellow dashed lines that makes the connection to future possibility and curiosity a bit more difficult to taste. i wonder if it is because of the lessons learned in a place so confined that it does not allow for you to really take the next exit? i somehow feel like there is a sense of belonging to what was to a time and place that still is...

meanwhile i find myself at 24 thinking more about home, and what home means to me or to those who i have grown up around. i chose to run, fast and far. so sure, most were happy with what they had, and well still have. i  just simply chose to pick up move away. to live in a place that was not as full of back roads where i could hear the same songs play in my head, or see the street signs that triggered automatic discontent. and now with leaving, comes growing. and with growing comes a sense of belonging to what has made me think and feel the way i do today. sure, i may see the high school sweethearts still going strong, or the old soccer fields with our sweat in the same dirt but do you really ever lose sight of what will always be home? no matter how far or fast you run?


Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I´d like to be my old self again
But I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone
But your keep my old scarf from that very first week
Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it, cause you remember it all too well yeah

a suggestion

everyone (i hope) has those songs that just hit them...ya know, gives them goosebumps. 

i couldn't tell you specifically what song, but i remember on multiple occasions running errands with my dad on the weekends in the summer while growing up. windows down, always. he would have a certain song on, one that i probably at the time hated...or still do. regardless, these songs weren't played all the time but when they were there was something that i would always notice. goosebumps. my dad would literally get goosebumps at a certain part of the song.

i, i have absolutely inherited that trait. thankfully. 

songs that give you goosebumps can change your mood in a second. they change your perspective of the day, or at least the morning, afternoon or night. they are far and few between but when they are heard...i assure you goosebumps never felt so great. 

now, this brings me to another point. are you a lyrics person or are you a music (in the literal sense) person? if you HAD to pick, what would it be?....think about it, don't worry you don't need to tell me, and honestly... i don't want you too. it's a personal thing really, a preference. keep it that way. 

anyway, the song's that give me goosebumps, well, they have both the lyrics and the sound. (sorry!) i'm not a writer, a poet or even an artist. i enjoy singing, i have a blog and i work hard...that's about it. but what i do know is that songs that have a build in both volume (crescendo) and emotion ("pre-chorus", "pre-hook", "b-section", "lift") give me goosebumps. i almost always save these songs for the car and right from the beginning...i 
turn up the volume, sit back and wait for it. wait for the goosebumps, which crazy 
enough...happen every. single. time. pretty cool right? i think so too. 

my suggestion would be go listen to that song that gives you goosebumps. turn the volume
up and wait for it. it won't disappoint. i assure you.

and just because i'm sure you are all wondering what gives me goosebumps...The Great Escape. P!nk. (don't  knock it until you try it my friends)

CLICK HERE TO ENJOY.
2:50 minutes in is that "pre-hook" i spoke of. 

tradition

what makes Christmas special? What about Easter? Or, is it just that third Wednesday of every month? 
easy for me to answer that one.... it has to be tradition. tradition makes ordinary holidays, or events, extraordinary... special even. 

what is special about tradition itself is that it doesn't need to be grand mom's 100 year old recipe for that big dinner or your dad's old record on repeat that makes something special. tradition is something that can be created, started, and molded into what you desire it to be at any moment. sure, there is something more special or unique about that little something you have always done that makes that day different, or allows you to always recall it as your favorite memory. however, it is through evolution of time, relationships and season that traditions can be born again.

fairly exciting right?

when i think about traditions i am immediately drawn to being a child and waiting. i think about Christmas ...the absolute epitome for tradition. i recall Christmas morning and having to wait until 8:30 am. no matter the age my brother would wake at dawn, a time of which he would rarely see...well ever any other day of the year. it is tradition that he sit, he wait and we watch the clock. at 8:30 am we were simply allowed downstairs however only able to look, not touch. no touching until coffee was made. no. matter. what.  So as A Christmas Story played on the background (another tradition in itself) we would wait...
as i recall the holidays i think of a more recent tradition. thanksgiving muddling season. yep, you've got it.   Old Fashions. Beam, Cherries, Oranges, Sugar and...a muddler. thanksgiving day of course brings thanksgiving night, which ultimately always, brings Old Fashions AND A Christmas Vacation. A perfect holiday tradition if you ask me.
so what about tradition on non holidays? easy. growing up Tuesday nights were a tradition in itself. it was Me, Dad and the baby brother. More so me and dad. It was dinner (sloppy joes), it was Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, then warm baths, followed by freezing exits, Full House and a do-nut, or whatever dessert special was in store. Tuesdays were tradition. always will be. 

everyone has traditions that are special to them. some more valuable than others. some more grand than the one the year before however no matter the motive or action, it is what the tradition brings to a persons spirit, or memory that is important. being able to create new traditions excites me to be whoever i'll be as the years go on. so sure as a wife i'd love to start a few and as a mom i know i'll have plenty but i can only hope that each is as special as the one before, but never as valuable as the next. 

Some Hopeful Tradition Ideas:
Christmas Eve Surprise Box. Include: new pajamas, Christmas movie, popcorn, mugs, hot chocolate, marshmallows, Christmas book.

Making a cup of tea before work for your loved one every Friday. Even if you have different schedules.

A Christmas cookie exchange or an ornament exchange among long distance friends.

First day of school picture. EVERY year.

house a home.

what makes a house a home? is it a family? is it a warm cooked meal? what about a pet? or, is it simply just your mom and all that she brings with her?

so, what makes a house a home when you are far away from a family, don't always have a warm cooked meal and well, the whole pet thing, just didn't work out...

simple. making a house a home should be about comfort. it is about relaxation and that quiet peace. sure the meaning of home may change over the years, as it may go from the place you played for hours outside on the block, to the place you never wanted to be during high school, and then the perfect welcome mat from a long semester at college, however the real meaning of home never changes.

so, now what?
what happens when your house, is no longer your home?

simple. you make your own home. and this, this is just what i have done. i have found that when feeling rather "domestic" i take comfort in the fact that i make the place i spend most of my time as peaceful as possible. this of course in my world means candles, fluffy pillows, decorative accent rugs and towels alike. ya see, no one wants to leave an office after hours of work and go "home" to a place where they cannot feel well... at home.

so, after years of different houses and plenty of places to call home... i find comfort in the fact that i have made my own. no family, no pet, and no mom around... just a little decor here and there, a big comfy bed and a full fridge. not too bad.

so, it's simple. a house is home if you make it feel like home. 

tick.

everyone has that something that makes them tick. something that makes them take a deep breath, relax their neck muscles and sigh. for some it is working out (yeah i wish). for some it is reading or sitting on the beach, and hell, for some it is both. i do find though, for most it is music. 

music moves people in ways that are difficult to describe. my profession is built on it. thousands of people's livelihoods are in one way or another. i mean, this isn't just a hobby or a thrill of sorts. nope, this is for some, the bread and butter of life. 

it is after watching a sold out crowd for a great gig that i sit and ponder this whole phenom if you will. you have those that are moved, touched, and brought to their knees with a beat and you of course have those that make it their life in the literal sense. i am a very moderate mix of the two. music or entertainment is my life because it a. pays the bills, b. is the product of hours of brainstorming and anxiety that has brought me across state lines afar, and c. the very thing that makes me tick to balance it all. 

what i mean by that is that there is nothing more in my current state that i appreciate more than watching and "enjoying the moment" of a sold out crowd for a performer that i happen to be a fan of. it's a buzz that is addicting...intoxicating even. i mean, it has to be after spending 15 hours in an office running around and being pulled in 5 different directions all at the same moment just to ensure a "smooth" event day. i mean seriously, what does an actual "smooth" event day really look like? hell if i know...

however, all of this brings me to that balance i spoke of previously. life is about balance. this is a sensitive topic for some. ya see, there are plenty that drown themselves in work, long days and stretching themselves thin. and for what? passion? 

see for me passion is tough. it's touchy if you will. what is passion and how do you balance the what makes you tick vs what needs to be your bread and butter? for me i have found it is a healthy marriage of taking what i do and, enjoying the moment. enjoying the sold out gigs, the artist interactions and the pats on the back a good review or cover story may get you. and as for what makes me tick, it's gotta be the thing that makes it all go around after a long day that will allow you to close the car door, take a deep breath, relax your neck muscles, sigh and finally crank on that perfect jam to put it all to a close.

a sex and the city post of sorts...

Is chivalry dead? seriously, is it? when is the last time that you had the car door opened for you, or were complimented on your outfit and you felt like it was genuine? what about the last time that you were told that your laugh lights up a room or that "you, complete me." sure, good ole Jerry McGuire may have been a stretch, but honestly, can you remember? can you remember feeling legitimately wanted? (take a minute and let that sink in... i'm talking wanted. core shaking, gut twisting wanted. .... sexy right?)

if so, good for you, if not.... uh... welcome to the party i guess?

ya see, i am not a crazed fan of being given things on a silver platter or being complimented at exhaustion. hell, i don't really even prefer being showered with gifts or flowers but i am in favor of subtle compliments, the flirtatious and sincere kind. i am in favor of being given appreciation, the kind that is real. but then again, who isn't? men and women alike i'm sure.

ok, go ahead, you can call me naive if you'd like... but uh, what does a girl gotta do?

now please don't get me wrong... this is nothing more than an observation, a thought process, and an effort to propose a question.

i realize that you can't court someone forever and that it may get a little "old"... wait, did i just say that? did i seriously just give all of the men out there who don't flirt, compliment or thank their lucky stars for the blessings they have beside them and give them an excuse? ...i think i did. shame, shame on me.

so sure not every day is going to be a proposal, and not every dinner date is going to be as memorable as the first. however, all of the days in between should be special in one way or another. flirting with your wife of 25 years, or you girlfriend of 6 months should really be no different. and honestly, the longer the relationship the better it should be. chivalry is being replaced by comfort, and when too comfortable relationships suffer and one may feel unsatisfied. i mean, who doesn't want a spark? who doesn't want a sexy email or text followed in a week or two by a "when was the last time you've been taken out on a date? be ready by 7. xo".

sure, to us ladies it seems like a no brainer, however we'll be the first to tell you it doesn't matter.  confusing right!? i know, i apologize on behalf of all the women out there! but uh, news flash, it does... and for perspective that's like the "i'm fine" answer men dread when asking their sweetheart "hey, what's wrong?"

nice try.  you haven't fooled anyone.

sexy.

true.

more true.

a memory

when a memory can make you tear up, it says a lot about the origin of that thought. when something can make you cry or shiver with just a mental glimpse, it means that the person or idea behind that glimpse has touched your life in a very strong way. i think it speaks very strongly about how that idea or emotion has molded you into the person you are today. everyone has an abundance of thoughts, experiences or memories that have made them into the person they are today, simply put, it is what life is all about. when i take just a second and think of a few that come right to mind, i can, at the drop of a hat think about specific things that automatically trigger a very specific emotion. they are the following (among others of course):

memory: driving solo out of my driveway windows down, with a license. emotion: complete independence.
memory: giving a simple poem as a gift to my grandmother on christmas. emotion: pure happiness.
memory: walking out that room and falling to the floor of a bathroom. emotion: heaving absence.
memory: driving through wood line night roads listening to YES with my dad. emotion: peace
memory: watching a mother search for life in the movement of the thumb of her dying son. emotion: raw sadness.
memory: walking the SC campus post graduation. emotion: yearning pride. 
memory: driving to the airport for departure. emotion: pure discontent. 
memory: hot chocolate and gingersnaps perfectly prepared after school. emotion: thankful excitement. 

there are highs and there are lows in every ones lives. there are memories that bring emotions both happy and incredibly sad.  slightly "stream of consciousness-like" if you will. it is how we take those memories and use them to be stronger, better and more positive when given difficult tasks in days ahead. it is life and how we manage it/them that is important. 

ya see, i have always thought it was interesting that you never really know when you are making a memory. you never really realize that the outfit you wore that day, or the way you wore your hair, or what the weather was like, or how the starts twinkled that night would forever be part of a memory that was in the making, right then and there. it is what makes making new memories exciting, and what also allows us to have hope in a better day and bigger tomorrow. so when that thought you have makes you tear up, there is promise in the idea that another origin of impression may be just around the corner.

a pointless vent, enjoy

living in different states has taught me a thing or two about regional TV coverage. if you don't mind me saying, there is nothing worse than getting all geared up for an Eagles, Gamecock, Flyers or Phillies game, sitting my fat ass on the couch, turning on the TV and finding that the Redskins are playing the Cowboys or that the Rays are playing who the eff cares. and don't even get me started on who the god damn FSU Seminoles or Gators are playing. #theybothsuck

and yet, just another reason why i love golf. these guys have gotten it right... first 4 hours on Golf Channel, and last 4 hour on national coverage. good job boys. nomads like myself appreciate your efforts.

now, i could avoid this dilemma by paying for NFL, MLB, College Football, and NHL packages (hello $300 cable bill) or, i could continue to complain, suck it up and make some stew. which, is exactly what i have done today. wish me luck... 1 hour in, 5 more to go. (i don't even like stew?)

the stubborn one

she doesn't have facebook, she probably has never heard of blogger or something i like to call sarandipity. she doesn't drive, nor like too much TV.  vocabulary is an outlet just like the cross puzzles she loves so, and for this...home i go. okay, enough with the rhyming. poetry was never my thing.

family is an interesting thing, a complex thing. just because someone is family does not mean that you need to get along. it doesn't mean that you need to be as close as the sand and the sea, or the cake and the icing. it means that through blood you are connected. it means you have similar genetic make up. hell, maybe it's your hips, eyes, nose or feet and well sometimes it can be nothing more than just that. i feel as though every family has a story. perhaps it is made up of an individual that may be a thorn in ones side, or simply presents challenges too great to mask. one cannot choose their family, it is god's plan for whose presence we are blessed with enough to share a name. so, get over it.

now, with all of that said, family can be just the opposite if you're lucky. i, i am lucky.

i have women in my life that are special, unique and incredibly similar to me. similar in mannerism, similar in thought, similar in attitude and similar in anxiety level. thank you family genes! sure, there are fabulous men in my life, family alike sure, but that can be for another post. there are women in my life particularly that i am very thankful for. i am blessed to call them my own.... as in, family.

i have an amazing mom. kind, gentle, passionate, slightly crazed ;), and very pretty...among other things of course. i have an aunt who is strong, sarcastic, honest, stressed but ever classy. i have a best friend who is well, the best rock a girl could ask for, need i say more? i have a godmother who is special, contagiously funny, slightly laid back and ever supportive. i have one grandmother who is delicate, quiet and simply elegant, timeless if you will. this of course brings me to my other grandmother, my mom-mom if i may...
before i give insight into this amazing woman, i have two quotes which stare me in the face every day as i log onto my computer...both from exact times i couldn't tell you, but they made such an impact at that moment that i needed to write them down to remember forever;

"I told you, go for what you want. Don't let people sway you. People may try and stop you, because they think that have a better idea, but don't forget you have good ideas too"

"Like my grandmother used to say to me... if you knew how hard you were going to fall, you would just sit down"

this woman is raw in her honesty, strong in her drinks and her wisdom is something i aspire to portray as i age. she is humble. and, IF you listen closely, you can get a glimpse into a world that is vivid and told from experiences i cannot completely grasp. she is southern slow and northern "matter of fact". she is to me, the best kind of family. the kind of family that marries the meaning of what family CAN be, IF you let it.  i see myself in her craziness, her stress and her strong passion for things she can only voice. and well, i love her. deeply.

so with a little insight into that unspoken bond between a woman and the women in her life, there is a granddaughter and grandmother that make family all it CAN be and i couldn't be more blessed to have her call me, her own. her first. always.

so home i go, and not for anything more but a little family time. much needed family time.

my 25th year...

[stream of consciousness post - beware]

holy shit. my 25th year begins tomorrow. 10:43a i think it is...dad would know, apparently the "trophy" the hospital gave him which sits proudly on dresser display states the date, time and weight...regardless, my 25th year. no, this doesn't mean i'm turning 25...and for all of you who may be confused by this, don't feel bad because is spent 23 of my wise years arguing with a man who insisted that at the last blow of a birthday candle, he would state "now you're going on your X year"....[what the eff?] this was only to be returned by a confused and puzzled face. thanks dad!

well, now, i get it. and, well, i'm going on my 25th year. holy fuck! that is a quarter century. that's 1/4th the way to 100! and hell, if i live to 100...bahah! yeah right. sorry, pardon the french.

now, at 25 where did i want to be? i'm sure it crossed my my adolescent brain that i wanted to be a home owner, probably married and living happily with a puppy and traveling the world.... well, maybe not the world but at least be well traveled. god, what was i thinking? good joke sar.

so...uh, where am i in comparison? let's take a look. and puhlease, this is no pity party, i promise!
i  say this because yes, i realize that the blog can be semi negative and a little bit of a debbie downer, but tough.. sometimes i wanna be a debbie downer. and...it's my birthday so there! (nanny nanny boo boo! *sticks tongue out*)

anyway, I am not a homeowner. I have simply spent thousands in shitty shitty rentals. i am not married, not married in the least. i am in a long-term relationship with no ending date or place in sight. perfect...not. I do not have a puppy.  welp, tried at least, but that fell through.  i have not traveled the world. i am not very good flyer, i have found that heights and well, lack of control aren't really my thing.

welp...

anyway, when it think 25, i think fabulous! i think fun! i think pretty! and i think composed! now, i can absolutely have that...just gotta get some things figured out. pretty par for the course, so cheers to that...oh and i'm not 25, i'm only 24, well, soon...so that means i get an extra year to do just that, right? the confusion continues.

oh and i've heard the 30's are the best anyway. so, 20's you're overrated. *rolls eyes*

something about a

there is something about a funeral. there is something about a place in time where life stands still. where life as we all know it sits in a purgatory of sorts, yet not of the one that has passed but to those that have to say good bye. interestingly enough, this purgatory of sorts is not a place of loneliness or solitude. it is a place, in this instance at a funeral where a generational timeline is seen and support runs rampant.


i open by saying that my thoughts and prayers are with those that have loved and lost, those that hurt and that will continue to search for what may grant them serenity in times of need and may they find what you are looking for.


i have seen my fair share of pain. i have witnessed and felt loss at many levels. i have collapsed to my knees in grief and i have stood strong in support. and, with all of these experiences under my belt, i have yet to feel or think like i have recently upon the loss of another.

as the line creeps and tears are swept aside, i begin to contemplate the moments and the time that has been placed in front of me. usually in instances like this, one is captivated by thoughts of what to say, how it may relate, how to act, or even where to sit. however, perhaps considering my presence is more as support, i can't help but relate on a level of observation.

condolences are shared, and hugs are exchanged. we sit. silent. anxiousness continues to fester.

i cannot help but scan the beautiful church pews. one by one, each person with a different connection. each experiencing loss on a different level. each coping with a distance they have no means to control. each struggling in a silent fight. the doors close and we rise to our feet. the atmosphere is tense, heavy. i am stuck in a moment watching the pain that deafens the room of a husband who has lost his HS sweetheart, a son who is numb, a fiancé who can only be so strong and lastly, a mother. a mother who is sickened with grief, who's face is tired and heart is broken. i am immediately humbled by their loss and i begin to think about generations.

here you have a husband who has lost his pillar, his partner, his wife and a son who's only woman in his life has up until this point been his mother. now, in such turn of tragic events a son is left clinging to his fiancé, and a father is left alone with no shoulder to turn too or cheek to comfort. and i turn to see what had hit me so hard... a mother, there's a mother who has no lessons to teach or guidance to give, yet is being taught the most difficult lesson life can give.

its stunning while looking across a church with choral hymns being sung at perfect poise and with such robust emotion i am able to capture so many  thoughts. in these moments,  it's as if there is no sound coming from any of those who's tears seem to shatter to the floor. its a silent pain that each person is dealing with differently and as they grasp to the person next to them for support, there is a father and a husband who is left gripping the pew in front of him, defeated. her absence has left him alone, with the support and love of many yet the comfort of the one no longer to be found. its as if there has been a generational gap. his partner in this time frame is being "woken from her sleep" and he is left clinging for strength. meanwhile, his son is left to look towards the only other woman in his life who fits the perfect mold. and a mother is left hanging to what remains.

life is precious and can be touched in so many ways. it is through experiencing things like this as an observer that i am humbled and reminded of what it means to be loved, what it means to love, and how strong it really can be to have both. it is through pain that strength is found and through life that love can exist and after another unfortunate reminder, i find that there is something about life that becomes more valued, even in the wake of death.

the perfect hug

a hug from my dad is one of my favorite things in life. my dads hugs are warm, strong, long and well, if you don't mind me saying,  he gives "the perfect hug". they are the best prescription to any little girls heartache, headache, annoyance or frustration. they are the best remedy for whatever is unwavering. and i mean, whatever is unwavering. so through bad grades, fights with friends, stress at work or an absent heart, this quick fix is always one for the book.

sure as hell better than any little pill...

with my dad being a big guy he tends to wrap his whole heart, soul, arms, chest and body into his hugs... at least with me. my dad is one  of those people who is real with what he shows... anger and love alike. equal passion in both are very evident. however, with that said, i think as his daughter i can speak on behalf of something no one else can. a dads hug, my dads hugs more specifically are unlike any other.

these things are incredible. they are encompassing, almost filling and well, at times they even make it hard to breath (the good kind of course). sure, it might be my awkward height and his strong arms, or well... that he will say things like "harder!" and squeezes until my face is red,  if for some reason he can't feel the real-ness, yah know, can't feel that i'm showing him the love he may deserve in that moment.  his hugs are just long enough to make a girl who has been so far away, feel right at home... no matter the zip code of which they may take place.  sometimes i think the strength behind them is to make up for all of those times as a little girl he literally would have strangled me if he'd hugged as hard as he does now.. so maybe he is just making up for lost time? his hugs symbolize comfort, security and love as they should, because after all...a girls dad always provides big shoes to fill. (especially with hugs like his)

so, i thought it best to share that i admire that... i love that my dad actually calls me out (to no ones surprise i'm sure) if the hug is not up to par. i'm thankful that he has and always will force a better hug...because, sometimes...all you need is a hug from your dad.

ps. i'd love a hug from my dad.
goodnight.

Europe

what is it about Europe? is it old world charm? cobble streets shimmering after an afternoon rain? is it the lovely pubs that line the streets or is it simply the history, or well, the style? you know THAT style. what is it about Europe that has us Americans so wound up and excited? even i have a soft spot in my brain and maybe my heart for a place that i have never been. sure, i have experienced it through friends studying abroad or well, facebook. but, what is it about across the pond that allows for such an idealistic thought of.."oh, i could live in that cottage with that super tiny fridge and no oven! it would be charming!"....uh? no. doubt it.

regardless, London, home of the 2012 summer Olympics and an absolutely perfect backdrop for all of those wanna visit, yummy pub and oh the beautiful pictures i could take thoughts. it makes for a little bit of jealousy when seeing those who are working the summer Olympics, literally getting to experience something unlike no other. but, with great experiences comes cost, and with cost comes bills and with bills come stress. and with that, comes my mindset. oops, just call me debbie.

surely it will be great to experience those things on my own time, because mark my words, i will. and until then we have the Olympics. a global combination of athleticism, patriotism, pride and respect...a wonder to watch from afar. and until my trip across the pond, i will find comfort in the fact that things won't be overpriced due to the Olympics being in town. #win #alwaysthinking

The iconic phone booth, oh and big ben!

a little irish man, oh wait, i mean pub! 

Real life castle...duh.

U-S-A!

down by the sea shore

There is something interesting, captivating even about the beach, or better yet the shore. Those who know me best know that the beach is a place that makes me feel whole. It's the perfect spot for just about anything and is always a safe haven whenever one may need. [if you haven't sat on a lifeguard stand during sunset, you have not lived. #markmywords]

The beach is great for many things including relaxing, thinking, tanning, crying, swimming or just plain people watching.  with that said, there is one thing that is specifically interesting to me about sand lined shores. This would have to be people's need to shell search. Little girls, teens, moms and grandmothers alike are drawn to them.

I absolutely love watching people scour the sand in search for that perfect shell or even better yet, an LBI piece of sea glass. Some carry plastic bags and pick very carefully, others dig their hands in, do a little shake and wash, and then just stare at the wonder that is in front of them, wishing for the chance at hitting the shell jackpot. you know the kind...a full conch shell, or a beautiful purple clam.

you see, not everyone who shell searches is a crafter or even an avid collector. not everyone really even needs them, or will have a place for them once the day comes to a close. however the urge to pick up and collect these small treasures is like an act the arm can't control. It's amazing to me that no matter what the age, shell searching makes you feel like that little ponytail kid you once were. It has a sense of youth attached to it unlike anything else. It's romantic, addicting even. quite honestly, it is the perfect remedy for when you are indeed 23 and well, just want to feel like that little kid back on the beach, ready to show your small discovery to mom or dad...a very proud moment for sure....you know the kind.

so, with that, happy shell searching.

pen and paper

i used to write in notebooks, college ruled and metal bound. i used to write when it was a rough day, i was upset or even when i just simply had something to say and didn't want to tell a single soul. it was therapeutic. kind of like what a blog has become, however the trick with the blog is that you open up the pages for people to see.

you see, this is all very very different from the notebook sheets i'd tear up and throw out in thought of some one catching a glimpse at something that i wouldn't dare say in person. it was just something that served as an outlet however i have found that outlets in a hometown were in abundance where has here, not so much. hence, the blog.. i guess? i have wanted so much to find a spot, find a windy road or a "wawa" that i could drive too just to, well, just to drive too. i have wanted to find a parking spot, or a park that is safe and serene for when its too early to go to bed, but too late to well, do anything else to just sit, windows down, rain or shine.  i find myself in this in between phase where i could probably go to the gym, but already went in the morning. i don't want to go to work well because i spent 10 hours there already, and i don't want to go to the store and shop, well, because i have no money... and well., gas is too expensive to drive to the beach whenever I'm restless. so, insert blog.

now, problem with that is that i could get gritty, nasty, super sappy and even too miserable at times for a blog...hence why good ole pen and paper is still best. so, now, the question is does it have the same effect as it did years ago... is it as therapeutic to pick up a pen, tear out a piece of wrinkled paper from a bound back notebook and just write. not tell a story, not reflect on something that you had experienced during the day...no. just. write. the best kind of writing is unguarded, its unhabitual and it is natural, something that i have found is the opposite of an every day blog post.

sure, when it just comes to you, it can be good.. kind of like those really good songs that just hit an artist, but, for the average sally like myself, it can be taxing. it invokes a thought process, like eh, should i REALLY put that out there? should i actually be saying this? i mean, its the internet, and well.. there are people that i work with that have the ability to click and walk into Sara's world...scary part, i'd have no idea.. i'd have absolutely know idea that if when i saw Mary or Harry they had the night before read every little word and judged till there was nothing else to judge. yet, wouldn't say a word too you about it anyway... kind of scary right? yeah, i think so too.

but, maybe thats the rewarding apart about getting older, getting more comfortable and well, being true to yourself. sure, a pen and a paper is always good, and probably always best, but a free form of thought which could be shared or interpreted will serve a purpose bigger than i may really know, and that is kind of cool. so as i sit here, too early to go to bed, and too late to go to the only other place where the shoe fits (wonder where that is?)... i find myself tearing out a piece of paper and clicking  a pen..... however, today, the keyboard just felt like a better fit.

reminded me of a song: Anna Nalick, Breathe. perfect for pen and paper, but when you don't know the rest, a blog post will do. am i right ashley kunkle? ;)

"cus these words are my diaries screaming out loud and i know that you'll use them however you want too.."

smells like home

there is something about a crockpot that makes a house or, an apartment a home. today: it was pizza pasta. some green peppers, onions, pepperoni, pasta, sauce and cheese...an instant italian dinner that swirls ones head as soon as you walk in the front door.

i can thank my parents for this little fix. it's almost just what the doctor ordered. after being less than enthused about being here miles away from friends and family a package full of my favorite things, including a crockpot and how to cook whatever it is that makes me feel at home has proven to do wonderful things. coming home today from the store with the crockpot dinner going on 6 hours made this apartment feel as warm as a cold fall night in PA surrounded by the dogs, the rest of the gang and a good movie.

so, tonight... it's pizza pasta, tv and a little R&R.

tomorrow: apple crisp. YUM!

hard to love

women are moody. fact. women are always right. not a fact, however, i feel that if you know what is best you'll find someway to make them feel that that is actually the case (maybe not entirely...but enough). it's like those shows on TLC or HGTV where they are interviewing the couple; "so what do you want this room to look like?" "me? what do I want? eh, happy wife, happy life" #sorryimnotsorry #thatisagoodanswer


now, i will say that i appreciate someone with an opinion, maybe even if it is a different opinion than what i have (sometimes)..but, feeling like you are always on the same page with another is crucial. it, to me, is what makes one say "that's my best friend" not, "we compliment each other". sure, complimenting each other is good, nice even... but no one wants to be a compliment...the want to be mandatory pieces of a two piece puzzle. you can't have a finished product without the other piece. that's not a compliment.. it is a necessary.  it is like i said, crucial.


maybe a little mix up from the standard, but i heard a song a while back, and it didn't really hit me until this morning...

Hard to Love
I am insensitive I have a tendency to pay more attention to the things that
I need.
Sometimes I drink too much, sometimes I test your trust, sometimes I dunno
Why you're staying with me?

I'm hard to love, hard to love, I don't make it easy, I couldn't do it if I
Stood where you stood
I'm hard to love, hard to love, you say that you need me, I don't deserve
It but I love that you love me. good.

I am a short fuse, I am a wrecking ball crashing into your heart like I do
You're like a Sunday morning full of grace and full of Jesus I wish that I
Could be more like you.
e.html ]
I'm hard to love, hard to love, I don't make it easy, I couldn't do it if I
Stood where you stood, 
I'm hard to love, hard to love, you say that you need me, I don't deserve
It but I love that you love me. Goood
Love me good

Girl you've given me a million second chances and I don't ever wanna take
You for granted, I'm just a man, I'm just a man

Hard to love, hard to love, oh I don't make it easy and I couldn't do it if
I stood where you stood.
I'm hard to love, hard to love and you say that you need me, I don't
Deserve it but I love that you love me. good. (x2)

You love me good.

insert thought:

i have this idealistic image of what life should be. my image looks like this; it is full of coffee shop mornings and long walks on quaint town sidewalks. (like West Chester PA, or Davidson NC... have you ever been? no? ...Go! - it will make sense) anyway,  it is always fall and the light is always flattering, kinda like a sunbeam that you think ruins an old picture, but with time makes it that much more special. it is that image of a white picket fence and a beautiful stone fireplace roaring during the dead of winter or the still of night. it is a beach with a perfect breeze and a beautiful sunset all in the same day. its grocery shopping without a list and walking out with just what you needed (#winning). its grilled family dinners on a warm summer night, with the perfect music in the background. that to me is what life s h o u l d  look like. however, sometimes i feel like it absolutely c a n look like that IF you allow it to. so maybe, i am not allowing it too? [insert thought: i think i have said this before... take a hint sara, take a god damn hint] maybe i am not living life like it should be "lived", and for that matter "loved." those with more years and wisdom on a little 23 year old would say that, it's just that, that is more important.

[insert thought: however, the pressure to live life like that, (ya know, the way it is intended) makes someone with an anxious mind (me),  kind of hard to breathe (but then again, there are pills for that right?)]

sure, i am fairly hard on myself... i know this, and so do the people that are closest to me but at some point being so overwhelmed not only leads to puffy eyes.... but an aching mind. [insert thought: maybe i should just suck it up and shut up?]

and, with that, i feel terrible. terrible that i know that the people that want to help and want to make sure that i am in good spirits are also the ones that my negative perception on anything at this point is not only a reflection of my current mindset, but their well wishes as well. it has a negative effect don't you see? it is that whole... when you are angry - i get angry, when you are laughing - it's contagious. insert thought: those are the best laughs, ya know the kind when you see someone else laughing and you both look at each other and lose it... love those kind]

never, ever do you want to say to those that support you that your t i r e d and maybe even slightly scared of not really know what to do. my sense of un-satisfaction is magnified by those that i love, and, that love me. for example; "you being unhappy, makes us unhappy".  [insert thought: i HATE the word unhappy. it reminds me of pitty, and i hate pitty. but, this is a blog and well... if it annoys you.. move on]

see, its a domino effect. a circle. so what do you do? and well, what do you say?

"is there anything i can do?"
"no."

when really, all you want to be able to say is yes. there is! there are a lot of things you can do..however, you can't. you. can't. do. anything.

and it is conversations like that, which sometimes i feel like reaching through the phone and shaking anyone who will listen, as if, well, they are the ones that are in the wrong... they are the ones that can pull the on off switch. the ones that should be able to to fix anything. when really, no one is in the wrong and those are the people that just want to help. they love so hard that it hurts to hear "no"... so yeah, i get it. i absolutely get it.

so i guess, "i just really want you to re-assess everything and look what you got, look what you had, look what your going to get or what you hope to have because, well, you never know and make a line in the sand - draw a line. do your ups and your downs...." 

so sure, maybe i'll actually take the advice...

[insert thought: or then again, maybe i'll TRY, and for some reason, perhaps because what is supposed to happen will just happen... now, wouldn't that be fucking nice for once. it's not called serendipity for nothing.]

Thank You Pinterest. You're so good to me.

l.l.l.a.

weekends; especially long ones are always better with a best friend. this weekend that was absolutely the case. i am thankful for good times and my best friend because this long weekend in particular wouldn't have been the same without her. and quite honestly could have been a little hard to handle solo....so, with that, and more, i am thankful. i am thankful for her sense of humor, her loud tendencies and ever eager drive. i am thankful for her desire to obtain nothing less than perfect and her always open ears. i am thankful for her patience and even our crazy attitudes. sure, we are two women with incredibly different views on  just a few things in life, but ever complimenting hearts. i am thankful that through years and years of friendship and a few bumps in the road we embark on our young twenties with a companionship that is unwavering.

 life with a best friend like that is a good life to have and for that i am very lucky. so cheers to more weekends, wether long or short and for more laughs, tears and tans.. i miss you already. officially counting down the days when we get to act just as crazy as ever again. 

"that's so college"....well, we're not in college and more and it's just as fun, so there! ;)

xxoo. 

live.love.laugh.always.

Summer

summer time is one of those times of year where your skin shimmers, your heart can flutter and your mind can wander. it is a season that no matter where you are, what time it is or who you are with, inhibitions can be left to the wind, smiles are stronger and music is better heard loud. drinks are more delicious if they are frosted, and well, a starlit sky serves as the best blanket.

to me summer is all of these those and more. sure, i'd be a liar if i said summer was the only season that made me feel the ways i'm about to describe, but i will let you know that my feelings are a little brighter in this time of year... now that i live in florida, and summer is no longer a season but a way of life, i'm anxious to see what i can come up with.

as a little girl i remember my dad cutting the grass, coming in for an ice cold water (or beer) and standing in front of the sink looking out the window with grass filled sneakers (sorry mom). i remember running around in an over sized t shirt and wet hair after a warm bath with windows open and a breeze that was incredibly intoxicating. shortly after Full House, came bed time... but bed time in  the summertime was never a favorite. bed? when it was light out? what?! never!

as a teenager, my sweetest summer memories were had. it was working shifts at The Perk, followed by friend filled bonfires. it was hometown and as pure as summer could get. stress was something that could be easily wiped away after a run down 7th or a game under the bright lights. summer then was something that took no effort at all and simply stood still. the way a real summer should, well because... summer's, good ones, should never, and will never end.

next came college.. "the almost over summer". the i miss my friends from home, yet know what's best summer if you will, the "i'll remember that night forever" summer. and, looking back, it was one of the few i'll remember the most of. it was humid, and when working in "the dogs mouth of the south" you didn't expect anything less. full of hostessing shifts, southern boys, bow ties and lakes. it was an internship class and bar top drinking were always on the agenda. it was fast and it was necessary. summers in college were still but only if you wanted them to be, and well, fast enough if you could just hold on long enough to enjoy the ride. summer in college was short (too short)

i have found that summers are sweet, and will only be as still as you let it. summers now can be just the same as they were years ago if given the opportunity. so tonight, on the way home from work i snapped a mental picture of what was the perfect image of what summer should and could be. it was a silent campus. it was a setting sun and it was an empty parking lot. it was one car and a couple. they were leaning on one another and enjoying that perfect summer kiss. pure summer bliss.  so in my attempt to share that mental image, i got the response "we still have them babe :)" and well, that means there must be more summer dream scenes to come.

Today, when I think about summer... I listen, closely, to this... CLICK.

Second guess

Why do people second guess things? Not things like choosing one cereal over the other, or what to wear to work. I am talking the deeper stuff. The tricky stuff. Why do people feel the need to say what they think or feel... Tell it to the world and really shout it from a mountain....and then, as soon as the guts show ones mouth is zippered tight. Your face goes red and a numbness takes over. How is it that after ones experiences in life that they may have shared with another or learned from themselves they second guess a simple hello or a difficult goodbye? What is it in our souls, in the pits of our stomachs or the back of our minds that causes us to second guess.

It's a thought process and can be a stressful one at that. It can become a tiring mind game or a frustrating external battle. For one who always is in support of living in the moment or never knowing what is ahead and simply going for it, it only seems to be best in one moment. Ya know really go to say it all...put it all on the line. Only to be followed by a wondrous "should I, did I, would I".

Life is tricky and a mind can catch a heart off a beat. What one thinks may be best could easily be taken the wrong way by a unsteady heart. But to ones surprise a heart might not always be right and thinking with your head may just be what's best. So when there is no text back or there is an awkward silence, have the heart tell the head that it actually can be ok. It actually will work out. The heart doesn't always know best, but it sure does a good job making you second guess.