hometown summer

i really miss small town summer nights. i'm not sure if it is the warm weather or the relaxing weekend with my best friend that makes me nostalgic but there is something about a summer breeze in a small few stop lights kind of town. 

i can remember summer nights like they were yesterday. every summer from elementary school all the way through hs and even coming back for a few summer trips during college. summers in perkasie are sweet, slow, breezy and always peaceful. where i live it is quite. it is on the ridge and overlooks the cities below for miles. it's serene and honestly, probably the best place to star gaze or porch drink for hours on a warm night. it was with a sweaty dad from lawn work sipping on a cold drink, a showered and geared up brother with hands full of any toy within reach and a pooled-out head-banded bright blonde mom that made those summer nights simple and easily my favorite to come home too.

i always enjoyed playing with chalk on the sidewalk or taking out the odds and ends out of the garage as my parents would sit under the porch next to the grill with a watchful eye. dinner would cook, laughs would be had and it honestly was some of my fondest memories of growing up. 

i look forward to having my own summer nights filled with family and friends. i look forward to new porch furniture and grilled dinners just like the ones i grew up on. i can't wait to stay up all night under the stars as the twinkle lights shine and the candles glow. it is the little things during the summer months that make it as sweet as could be. it may not be the south and it may not be the "country" but i'll tell ya what, my small town summer nights were just perfect. 

judge me all you want

this has potential to be one of those posts where people say "aww, now that's not the case darlin'" or "don't you be silly!, keep your head up!" it could be one of those posts that makes my man cringe at the words with fear that some of this stuff might actually have some truth [sorry joe, it does... get out while you can! RUN! FAST!]. it could be one of those posts where my best friend may say in a sarcastic manner..."damn, you're right" or "i told ya so!"... so, without further ado (sp?)... judge me all you want.

my thoughts the past few weeks have been fairly scattered, frazzled and incredibly inconsistent. surprised? it happens a lot [that's a joke]. anyway, i have my own responsibilities, my own job, my own bills and my own issues but lately, i have come to doubt my ability to handle well...just about anything. more importantly, i think i have convinced myself that i would be a terrible mother. [i know! even typing it makes my lip curl and my head shake [no seriously, i just did that] but honestly... i think it might be true.]

here are some reasons;
1. my dog. my dog stresses me out. i will follow up that statement by saying that i accept the responsibility and the decision i made to get him almost four months ago. i know eventually he will be worth it however,  if i can barely handle allergic reactions or the potential of fleas how the hell will i handle being a mom? sure, somethings you can adapt too and i'm not so worried about the actual act of being a parent...i am more worried about my personal sanity. my mental stability on not actually losing my mind. i think having kids would make me seriously insane. no, seriously.... insane.

see example; today was take your kid to work today and we got to provide tours to children between the ages of 8-18 of the Sun Dome. one little pain in the ass girl asked about 50 stupid questions, bounced off of every wall in the facility and poked your arm constantly for attention. [the best friend would say she absolutely had ADHD] she was kinda sweaty, and well... that kind of kid you secretly hope you don't end up running into in another life and can picture growing up to be one of those obnoxious sales clerks at Clinique. upon walking into the next room on our tour, i literally yelled out of annoyance from this child at the whole group to "SHHHHH, ONE QUESTION AT A TIME!!!". point of the story, my patience level was about.. oh, let's just say....zero. oops?

guess i won't be giving any tours in the near future.

2. groceries. this one is fairly lame but let me just try and explain. i live on the third floor. i do not have buy too much stuff since it's just me, but when your hands are full with grocery bags in an effort to make only one trip and you are walking up to your door on the third level and a bag handle rips, i seriously freak out. i immediately spiral into a state of self pity. a "i hate living alone" or "i can't do this any more" or "why the FUCK did i decide to live on the third floor" mindset seems to come over me with a vengeance. i within seconds tear up, and a few seconds after that, i scream. no seriously, i scream.... like a child suffering from a terrible 2's temper tantrum. oh and by the way... i'm 24 and well, that's not okay to do. thankfully only my neighbors hear this type of disaster. (and do they help?! NO! of course not, ugh. i digress.)

3. bills. everyone has bills. i get it. i will always have student loans, and i will always have car payments or due dates for this or that. however, with that in mind... i can't stand trying to keep it all straight by myself. i panic over the purchase of coffee (the one thing i can't live without in the morning) and have turned into probably one of the cheapest people i know.... and well,  that is a fact. terrible to admit, i know... but hey... i told you it would be easy to judge me on this one. it is what it is. ballin' on a budget; classy edition right here ladies and gents!

now, i could probably go on and on and list each and everything i struggle with, but let's be honest... that wouldn't be fun (for me) and well, at this point i am very aware of what i need to do better on. [or maybe i just need anxiety medication?] i can only hope that as i age, i'll calm the hell down, or that i will begin to b r e a t h e and not absolutely panic at a scraped knee or the sight of a late payment fee hit my account. hopefully, one of these days, i'll figure it out. and thankfully, by that time, i won't be alone.

it's the most wonderful time of the year!

that's right. i said it. no, it isn't Christmas, it isn't my birthday and it certainly isn't the first day of fall. (all a few of my favorites)... it is Masters Week. and for this gal, it is Masters & Monday After the Masters week.
[insert: loud shrieking "yeee!"]

if you know me even a little, you know i love this week. and to be quite honest i haven't even been able to see the full four days of the Masters due to working the MAM for the past 4, about to be 5 years. it is the excitement of rushing back to the clubhouse from the sign truck to check the tv, the constant alerts on the phone that keep me in the loop, the fake spreadsheets that masters.com sets up to hide live coverage on your desktop and the bets that big poppa sets up for a little friendly gamble...and well, i wouldn't have it any other way.

there is something about the game, the hype, the history and the new stories every year. the production is always flawless. the commentary is pure and it symbolizes an American tradition. for me, it's better than a cold beer under the lights at a baseball game. the masters and tournament season in general is different. it is clean, it is personal, and it is respectful. you have the rivals and you of course have the points but there is something about it just a little sweeter. maybe it is the natural draw to the south that i love, the ever changing games of players trying to maintain their spot at the top, or perhaps it is the chase for the new kid that keeps us on the edge of our seats (secretly still wanting Tiger to dominate).

all actual game talk aside, i always go back to the production. the tv, the course, the PR, the years of planning, the hospitality, the logistics, and the timing. so maybe it is the degree that i have thank? i do know that it takes a special kind of person to do it and i love that every year i get to play a very small part in making our own little masters do it's thing like the well oiled machine that it is.
(thanks to the greats that make it that way, and their fabulous families who keep the tournament office bright)

so cheers to the laughs ahead, the friendly faces, the dew on the fairways in the morning, the late nights, green jackets and loud music...Masters Week 2013, i'm happy to see ya! and in the words of Ric Flair "Woooooo!"

stress less

people are always telling me i stress too much. my dad, my mom, my grandmother, my boyfriend and everyone in between. when this happens i desperately try to rearrange my mental focus on the things that make me feel more calm and align my mind with what is important. usually for me, the things i stress about are also the things that aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. (perspective is a powerful thing)

for me, the things that cause me to literally freak (seriously, ask the boyfriend if you don't believe me) out are related to things that i either can't control in the immediate future or are things that i feel aren't working out the way that they should. (or the way i need or want them too)

on the flip side, i like to think that i handle life's big stresses with grace.... you know, the things that really test a person's character . i am confident i handle these things with superior ease (don't worry, i use the term lightly). but the little stuff... no freaking way. count me out. and of course with being down and out comes, well... more stress.

i'm creepily self aware of my issue with stress. i think that is part of the problem. i know i shouldn't be panicking. i realize i sound like a maniac when i call my home screen favorites and can't breathe.  and honestly between you and i, there is nothing that i hate more than being told by the other end of the phone to breathe. I KNOW I NEED TO BREATHE! however for this girl....it's not always easy. hence, stressed out maniac.

i'm not a quitter but God help me for thinking about it every now and then. in an attempt to "realign" my mind i pulled out my old Teen Bible. this thing looks like it has been through war. i mean notes, pages ripped, post its and place holders....  and honestly, it's comforting actually. to know that at one time in my life it did provide some sort of solace for an eager mind and uneasy spirit. it also reminds me that there has not been one moment in my life that i can remember not being stressed or overwhelmed with life's daily curve balls.

as a matter of fact in the days of the 96' Blue Dodge Neon (I think I named her Balooga? or something like that...sorry, disregard) i remember taping a verse on my dash. seriously, i taped a verse on my dash to remind me every day to stress less. it went like this;

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we do not give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up and keep going. Through suffering these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies." - 2 Corinthians 4, 8-10

heaven knows that we are all pressed on every side. and sure, not everyone handles anxiety with ease (cough cough, me, cough cough) however, if anything is true it is that there are things in this life that are constant like love and support.  i am thankful that i have both and every now and then (more often than not) those home screen favorites remind me of the reasons to stress less, and well, they will always remind me to breathe.