l.l.l.a.

weekends; especially long ones are always better with a best friend. this weekend that was absolutely the case. i am thankful for good times and my best friend because this long weekend in particular wouldn't have been the same without her. and quite honestly could have been a little hard to handle solo....so, with that, and more, i am thankful. i am thankful for her sense of humor, her loud tendencies and ever eager drive. i am thankful for her desire to obtain nothing less than perfect and her always open ears. i am thankful for her patience and even our crazy attitudes. sure, we are two women with incredibly different views on  just a few things in life, but ever complimenting hearts. i am thankful that through years and years of friendship and a few bumps in the road we embark on our young twenties with a companionship that is unwavering.

 life with a best friend like that is a good life to have and for that i am very lucky. so cheers to more weekends, wether long or short and for more laughs, tears and tans.. i miss you already. officially counting down the days when we get to act just as crazy as ever again. 

"that's so college"....well, we're not in college and more and it's just as fun, so there! ;)

xxoo. 

live.love.laugh.always.

Summer

summer time is one of those times of year where your skin shimmers, your heart can flutter and your mind can wander. it is a season that no matter where you are, what time it is or who you are with, inhibitions can be left to the wind, smiles are stronger and music is better heard loud. drinks are more delicious if they are frosted, and well, a starlit sky serves as the best blanket.

to me summer is all of these those and more. sure, i'd be a liar if i said summer was the only season that made me feel the ways i'm about to describe, but i will let you know that my feelings are a little brighter in this time of year... now that i live in florida, and summer is no longer a season but a way of life, i'm anxious to see what i can come up with.

as a little girl i remember my dad cutting the grass, coming in for an ice cold water (or beer) and standing in front of the sink looking out the window with grass filled sneakers (sorry mom). i remember running around in an over sized t shirt and wet hair after a warm bath with windows open and a breeze that was incredibly intoxicating. shortly after Full House, came bed time... but bed time in  the summertime was never a favorite. bed? when it was light out? what?! never!

as a teenager, my sweetest summer memories were had. it was working shifts at The Perk, followed by friend filled bonfires. it was hometown and as pure as summer could get. stress was something that could be easily wiped away after a run down 7th or a game under the bright lights. summer then was something that took no effort at all and simply stood still. the way a real summer should, well because... summer's, good ones, should never, and will never end.

next came college.. "the almost over summer". the i miss my friends from home, yet know what's best summer if you will, the "i'll remember that night forever" summer. and, looking back, it was one of the few i'll remember the most of. it was humid, and when working in "the dogs mouth of the south" you didn't expect anything less. full of hostessing shifts, southern boys, bow ties and lakes. it was an internship class and bar top drinking were always on the agenda. it was fast and it was necessary. summers in college were still but only if you wanted them to be, and well, fast enough if you could just hold on long enough to enjoy the ride. summer in college was short (too short)

i have found that summers are sweet, and will only be as still as you let it. summers now can be just the same as they were years ago if given the opportunity. so tonight, on the way home from work i snapped a mental picture of what was the perfect image of what summer should and could be. it was a silent campus. it was a setting sun and it was an empty parking lot. it was one car and a couple. they were leaning on one another and enjoying that perfect summer kiss. pure summer bliss.  so in my attempt to share that mental image, i got the response "we still have them babe :)" and well, that means there must be more summer dream scenes to come.

Today, when I think about summer... I listen, closely, to this... CLICK.

Second guess

Why do people second guess things? Not things like choosing one cereal over the other, or what to wear to work. I am talking the deeper stuff. The tricky stuff. Why do people feel the need to say what they think or feel... Tell it to the world and really shout it from a mountain....and then, as soon as the guts show ones mouth is zippered tight. Your face goes red and a numbness takes over. How is it that after ones experiences in life that they may have shared with another or learned from themselves they second guess a simple hello or a difficult goodbye? What is it in our souls, in the pits of our stomachs or the back of our minds that causes us to second guess.

It's a thought process and can be a stressful one at that. It can become a tiring mind game or a frustrating external battle. For one who always is in support of living in the moment or never knowing what is ahead and simply going for it, it only seems to be best in one moment. Ya know really go to say it all...put it all on the line. Only to be followed by a wondrous "should I, did I, would I".

Life is tricky and a mind can catch a heart off a beat. What one thinks may be best could easily be taken the wrong way by a unsteady heart. But to ones surprise a heart might not always be right and thinking with your head may just be what's best. So when there is no text back or there is an awkward silence, have the heart tell the head that it actually can be ok. It actually will work out. The heart doesn't always know best, but it sure does a good job making you second guess.

it's not the first time & it won't be the last.

ya know, sometimes i feel like a broken record so i automatically apologize. if you read every third one of these i am sure the message is the same. i don't want to whine, and i don't want to be the debbie downer. i don't want to seem like i am not thankful or that i am completely scattered...but well, i wouldn't have content if it weren't for the honesty that sometimes to a fault is what makes up a conscious mind. my mind.

23, and for arguments sake let's say 24. director of marketing with over, well lets just say over ALOT in student loan debt. a recent graduate with a degree in a niche field.  i have an apartment 1000 miles away from an amazing family and a perfect best friend, and I am 800 miles away from the only one who makes a house feel like a home. life is short, which is why..every third post...may seem a little draining or repetitive, however i try and change the message each and every time. i however, i know that it doesn't always work. why you ask? i among with many many other things, don't have that answer.

in the short time that i have graduated, i have lived in three states. PA to VA to FL. That is a lot of states, and that is a lot of boxes to move. it is a lot of hours on the phone, its a lot of pick me up cards and its even more wondering if you made the right move... my thoughts on that, surely scattered but true are below.

there are plenty of people that have picked up, moved to live with the ones they love or want to try and figure out if they love and give it the real shot that it may deserve. they have found a job that may be less than fulfilling professionally but allows for optimum personal success. (is that backwards?...oh well) their choices allow for first time apartment hunting, first time pet buying, cooking weekly dinners and plenty of casual date nights. it allows for family trip visits, and actual weeks of vacation. (as in more than 4 days...apparently that actually does exist in the real world) they are not living life on a work schedule and not working around hours to impress. they work 9-5, not 5-9. they are able to pay the bills and live within their means. they are able to attend significant milestones like an important gig, or an 80th birthday party. they are able to attend church on a daily basis strictly because they want too, not because they need it and they are thankful for all the little things in between. life in this aspect, is made up of the little things. the best things.

on a flip side, there are people that work their asses off, they pay their bills and they live on their own. they decorate and shop on the weekends to fill the time and they work out because they are bored. they look forward to weekends and months ahead because each day is simply a routine. these people are surrounded by ones they love, however those that support and love them are miles and miles away. they act on behalf of their head, and absolutely not their heart. they question life's plan and if it's me they feel guilty doing it. they are A type personalities, and stressed. but stressed and under slept make the best marketers, right? (...who cares)

I want the first (to a fault?), but have the second... so someone please tell me what that means? is personal fulfillment less important that the chance at professional success...and what does professional success for a woman really mean? do i want to run a company, and conquer the world?....no, sorry dad. and i'm even more sorry that i don't even want the half of that. i want to pay my bills and i want to love everything in between...but, i assume that is a little too much to ask.. at 24 anyway, it must be.

so i say with caution in the strongest sense, i am thankful for my success at a young age, it's been hard fucking work. its been countless tears and has included plenty of goodbyes and airport drop offs. its been unexpected deliveries for support and a best friend that is unwavering. it has been a crazy ride to the least. i can say that i am honored that i have the support from so many. but i am no closer to figuring this whole thing out than i was when i was a freshman in college...and well, that is an expensive four years to figure it out, and not have much to really show for it. (other than a few pounds, great friends and good memories. just simply missing that whole real point of school) and by that i mean REALLY show for it. sometimes unfortunately enough with that frog in the back of my throat i think about a recent Thanksgiving night. i remember my dad telling me his ambitions, his dreams... a small architectural company in Perkasie.. drawing, a true passion. he said no, and the hardest working man i know has a regret to this day. he says he tells people how proud he is of what i have become and where i will go... but in his gut he knows i'm less than thrilled..so tell me... if you don't see pressure, if you don't see how that can break his little girls heart,  i don't know what could be more clear. i would hate to have regrets, hate to feel less than fulfilled both professionally..and even more importantly personally and it is through quite reflections like that which keeps on repeating that quiet stream of thoughts...the kind that make you feel a little further from what and where you want to be.

but with a  heavy heart and a promising outlook i want the support of many, (which once again i thankfully have) and for that a strong mind and a steady foot is necessary... so tell me when to believe in something that there is actually something to hold on too which makes a little more sense than the 5-9 in ones current view finder. something not so dizzying and repetitive.

and with a deep breath and a lonely look left and and a hopeful look right, i anxiously wish that my heart will show just a little more strength and direction for what is "important" in life at a measly 23...wait wait, 24? guess it doesn't really matter eh?

so, how's that for content?

Mom's Day

It's Mother's Day here. I however, similarly to i'm sure plenty... am not with my mother. which honestly enough... sucks. Mother's Day is one of those days where family is the only thing that is important...and being together whether for the day, the morning, the afternoon or for just a quick hug is important. it's one of those days that tend to sting just a bit more when you are a short 1000 miles away.

My mom is one who makes a point to send a card, a smile and a hug whenever she can. she puts her family first...at times to a fault. she is genuine and loving... smart and sensitive. passionate and fun. i thank god that she is my mom..because after living on my own for a few years now, i would absolutely without a doubt not be here with out the support and unwavering "keep your head up" phone convos. there are things that my mom is so good at that i can only hope i will be the same... and well, it is all about the little things...and well, that is what makes a mom like mine so perfect.

so, i'm sorry i can't' be around on this beautiful Mother's Day. I will say this though... I love you Mom. The little things in life are never more true than with a Mom who has a heart of gold who makes them that way. A mom that remembers all those little things in life is what makes her special. What makes the bond unique. What makes me miss you every day. I love you! Happy Mom's Day. I would not be me with out you.