ya know, sometimes i feel like a broken record so i automatically apologize. if you read every third one of these i am sure the message is the same. i don't want to whine, and i don't want to be the debbie downer. i don't want to seem like i am not thankful or that i am completely scattered...but well, i wouldn't have content if it weren't for the honesty that sometimes to a fault is what makes up a conscious mind. my mind.
23, and for arguments sake let's say 24. director of marketing with over, well lets just say over ALOT in student loan debt. a recent graduate with a degree in a niche field. i have an apartment 1000 miles away from an amazing family and a perfect best friend, and I am 800 miles away from the only one who makes a house feel like a home. life is short, which is why..every third post...may seem a little draining or repetitive, however i try and change the message each and every time. i however, i know that it doesn't always work. why you ask? i among with many many other things, don't have that answer.
in the short time that i have graduated, i have lived in three states. PA to VA to FL. That is a lot of states, and that is a lot of boxes to move. it is a lot of hours on the phone, its a lot of pick me up cards and its even more wondering if you made the right move... my thoughts on that, surely scattered but true are below.
there are plenty of people that have picked up, moved to live with the ones they love or want to try and figure out if they love and give it the real shot that it may deserve. they have found a job that may be less than fulfilling professionally but allows for optimum personal success. (is that backwards?...oh well) their choices allow for first time apartment hunting, first time pet buying, cooking weekly dinners and plenty of casual date nights. it allows for family trip visits, and actual weeks of vacation. (as in more than 4 days...apparently that actually does exist in the real world) they are not living life on a work schedule and not working around hours to impress. they work 9-5, not 5-9. they are able to pay the bills and live within their means. they are able to attend significant milestones like an important gig, or an 80th birthday party. they are able to attend church on a daily basis strictly because they want too, not because they need it and they are thankful for all the little things in between. life in this aspect, is made up of the little things. the best things.
on a flip side, there are people that work their asses off, they pay their bills and they live on their own. they decorate and shop on the weekends to fill the time and they work out because they are bored. they look forward to weekends and months ahead because each day is simply a routine. these people are surrounded by ones they love, however those that support and love them are miles and miles away. they act on behalf of their head, and absolutely not their heart. they question life's plan and if it's me they feel guilty doing it. they are A type personalities, and stressed. but stressed and under slept make the best marketers, right? (...who cares)
I want the first (to a fault?), but have the second... so someone please tell me what that means? is personal fulfillment less important that the chance at professional success...and what does professional success for a woman really mean? do i want to run a company, and conquer the world?....no, sorry dad. and i'm even more sorry that i don't even want the half of that. i want to pay my bills and i want to love everything in between...but, i assume that is a little too much to ask.. at 24 anyway, it must be.
so i say with caution in the strongest sense, i am thankful for my success at a young age, it's been hard fucking work. its been countless tears and has included plenty of goodbyes and airport drop offs. its been unexpected deliveries for support and a best friend that is unwavering. it has been a crazy ride to the least. i can say that i am honored that i have the support from so many. but i am no closer to figuring this whole thing out than i was when i was a freshman in college...and well, that is an expensive four years to figure it out, and not have much to really show for it. (other than a few pounds, great friends and good memories. just simply missing that whole real point of school) and by that i mean REALLY show for it. sometimes unfortunately enough with that frog in the back of my throat i think about a recent Thanksgiving night. i remember my dad telling me his ambitions, his dreams... a small architectural company in Perkasie.. drawing, a true passion. he said no, and the hardest working man i know has a regret to this day. he says he tells people how proud he is of what i have become and where i will go... but in his gut he knows i'm less than thrilled..so tell me... if you don't see pressure, if you don't see how that can break his little girls heart, i don't know what could be more clear. i would hate to have regrets, hate to feel less than fulfilled both professionally..and even more importantly personally and it is through quite reflections like that which keeps on repeating that quiet stream of thoughts...the kind that make you feel a little further from what and where you want to be.
but with a heavy heart and a promising outlook i want the support of many, (which once again i thankfully have) and for that a strong mind and a steady foot is necessary... so tell me when to believe in something that there is actually something to hold on too which makes a little more sense than the 5-9 in ones current view finder. something not so dizzying and repetitive.
and with a deep breath and a lonely look left and and a hopeful look right, i anxiously wish that my heart will show just a little more strength and direction for what is "important" in life at a measly 23...wait wait, 24? guess it doesn't really matter eh?
so, how's that for content?
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