judge me all you want

this has potential to be one of those posts where people say "aww, now that's not the case darlin'" or "don't you be silly!, keep your head up!" it could be one of those posts that makes my man cringe at the words with fear that some of this stuff might actually have some truth [sorry joe, it does... get out while you can! RUN! FAST!]. it could be one of those posts where my best friend may say in a sarcastic manner..."damn, you're right" or "i told ya so!"... so, without further ado (sp?)... judge me all you want.

my thoughts the past few weeks have been fairly scattered, frazzled and incredibly inconsistent. surprised? it happens a lot [that's a joke]. anyway, i have my own responsibilities, my own job, my own bills and my own issues but lately, i have come to doubt my ability to handle well...just about anything. more importantly, i think i have convinced myself that i would be a terrible mother. [i know! even typing it makes my lip curl and my head shake [no seriously, i just did that] but honestly... i think it might be true.]

here are some reasons;
1. my dog. my dog stresses me out. i will follow up that statement by saying that i accept the responsibility and the decision i made to get him almost four months ago. i know eventually he will be worth it however,  if i can barely handle allergic reactions or the potential of fleas how the hell will i handle being a mom? sure, somethings you can adapt too and i'm not so worried about the actual act of being a parent...i am more worried about my personal sanity. my mental stability on not actually losing my mind. i think having kids would make me seriously insane. no, seriously.... insane.

see example; today was take your kid to work today and we got to provide tours to children between the ages of 8-18 of the Sun Dome. one little pain in the ass girl asked about 50 stupid questions, bounced off of every wall in the facility and poked your arm constantly for attention. [the best friend would say she absolutely had ADHD] she was kinda sweaty, and well... that kind of kid you secretly hope you don't end up running into in another life and can picture growing up to be one of those obnoxious sales clerks at Clinique. upon walking into the next room on our tour, i literally yelled out of annoyance from this child at the whole group to "SHHHHH, ONE QUESTION AT A TIME!!!". point of the story, my patience level was about.. oh, let's just say....zero. oops?

guess i won't be giving any tours in the near future.

2. groceries. this one is fairly lame but let me just try and explain. i live on the third floor. i do not have buy too much stuff since it's just me, but when your hands are full with grocery bags in an effort to make only one trip and you are walking up to your door on the third level and a bag handle rips, i seriously freak out. i immediately spiral into a state of self pity. a "i hate living alone" or "i can't do this any more" or "why the FUCK did i decide to live on the third floor" mindset seems to come over me with a vengeance. i within seconds tear up, and a few seconds after that, i scream. no seriously, i scream.... like a child suffering from a terrible 2's temper tantrum. oh and by the way... i'm 24 and well, that's not okay to do. thankfully only my neighbors hear this type of disaster. (and do they help?! NO! of course not, ugh. i digress.)

3. bills. everyone has bills. i get it. i will always have student loans, and i will always have car payments or due dates for this or that. however, with that in mind... i can't stand trying to keep it all straight by myself. i panic over the purchase of coffee (the one thing i can't live without in the morning) and have turned into probably one of the cheapest people i know.... and well,  that is a fact. terrible to admit, i know... but hey... i told you it would be easy to judge me on this one. it is what it is. ballin' on a budget; classy edition right here ladies and gents!

now, i could probably go on and on and list each and everything i struggle with, but let's be honest... that wouldn't be fun (for me) and well, at this point i am very aware of what i need to do better on. [or maybe i just need anxiety medication?] i can only hope that as i age, i'll calm the hell down, or that i will begin to b r e a t h e and not absolutely panic at a scraped knee or the sight of a late payment fee hit my account. hopefully, one of these days, i'll figure it out. and thankfully, by that time, i won't be alone.