insert thought:

i have this idealistic image of what life should be. my image looks like this; it is full of coffee shop mornings and long walks on quaint town sidewalks. (like West Chester PA, or Davidson NC... have you ever been? no? ...Go! - it will make sense) anyway,  it is always fall and the light is always flattering, kinda like a sunbeam that you think ruins an old picture, but with time makes it that much more special. it is that image of a white picket fence and a beautiful stone fireplace roaring during the dead of winter or the still of night. it is a beach with a perfect breeze and a beautiful sunset all in the same day. its grocery shopping without a list and walking out with just what you needed (#winning). its grilled family dinners on a warm summer night, with the perfect music in the background. that to me is what life s h o u l d  look like. however, sometimes i feel like it absolutely c a n look like that IF you allow it to. so maybe, i am not allowing it too? [insert thought: i think i have said this before... take a hint sara, take a god damn hint] maybe i am not living life like it should be "lived", and for that matter "loved." those with more years and wisdom on a little 23 year old would say that, it's just that, that is more important.

[insert thought: however, the pressure to live life like that, (ya know, the way it is intended) makes someone with an anxious mind (me),  kind of hard to breathe (but then again, there are pills for that right?)]

sure, i am fairly hard on myself... i know this, and so do the people that are closest to me but at some point being so overwhelmed not only leads to puffy eyes.... but an aching mind. [insert thought: maybe i should just suck it up and shut up?]

and, with that, i feel terrible. terrible that i know that the people that want to help and want to make sure that i am in good spirits are also the ones that my negative perception on anything at this point is not only a reflection of my current mindset, but their well wishes as well. it has a negative effect don't you see? it is that whole... when you are angry - i get angry, when you are laughing - it's contagious. insert thought: those are the best laughs, ya know the kind when you see someone else laughing and you both look at each other and lose it... love those kind]

never, ever do you want to say to those that support you that your t i r e d and maybe even slightly scared of not really know what to do. my sense of un-satisfaction is magnified by those that i love, and, that love me. for example; "you being unhappy, makes us unhappy".  [insert thought: i HATE the word unhappy. it reminds me of pitty, and i hate pitty. but, this is a blog and well... if it annoys you.. move on]

see, its a domino effect. a circle. so what do you do? and well, what do you say?

"is there anything i can do?"
"no."

when really, all you want to be able to say is yes. there is! there are a lot of things you can do..however, you can't. you. can't. do. anything.

and it is conversations like that, which sometimes i feel like reaching through the phone and shaking anyone who will listen, as if, well, they are the ones that are in the wrong... they are the ones that can pull the on off switch. the ones that should be able to to fix anything. when really, no one is in the wrong and those are the people that just want to help. they love so hard that it hurts to hear "no"... so yeah, i get it. i absolutely get it.

so i guess, "i just really want you to re-assess everything and look what you got, look what you had, look what your going to get or what you hope to have because, well, you never know and make a line in the sand - draw a line. do your ups and your downs...." 

so sure, maybe i'll actually take the advice...

[insert thought: or then again, maybe i'll TRY, and for some reason, perhaps because what is supposed to happen will just happen... now, wouldn't that be fucking nice for once. it's not called serendipity for nothing.]

Thank You Pinterest. You're so good to me.