pen and paper

i used to write in notebooks, college ruled and metal bound. i used to write when it was a rough day, i was upset or even when i just simply had something to say and didn't want to tell a single soul. it was therapeutic. kind of like what a blog has become, however the trick with the blog is that you open up the pages for people to see.

you see, this is all very very different from the notebook sheets i'd tear up and throw out in thought of some one catching a glimpse at something that i wouldn't dare say in person. it was just something that served as an outlet however i have found that outlets in a hometown were in abundance where has here, not so much. hence, the blog.. i guess? i have wanted so much to find a spot, find a windy road or a "wawa" that i could drive too just to, well, just to drive too. i have wanted to find a parking spot, or a park that is safe and serene for when its too early to go to bed, but too late to well, do anything else to just sit, windows down, rain or shine.  i find myself in this in between phase where i could probably go to the gym, but already went in the morning. i don't want to go to work well because i spent 10 hours there already, and i don't want to go to the store and shop, well, because i have no money... and well., gas is too expensive to drive to the beach whenever I'm restless. so, insert blog.

now, problem with that is that i could get gritty, nasty, super sappy and even too miserable at times for a blog...hence why good ole pen and paper is still best. so, now, the question is does it have the same effect as it did years ago... is it as therapeutic to pick up a pen, tear out a piece of wrinkled paper from a bound back notebook and just write. not tell a story, not reflect on something that you had experienced during the day...no. just. write. the best kind of writing is unguarded, its unhabitual and it is natural, something that i have found is the opposite of an every day blog post.

sure, when it just comes to you, it can be good.. kind of like those really good songs that just hit an artist, but, for the average sally like myself, it can be taxing. it invokes a thought process, like eh, should i REALLY put that out there? should i actually be saying this? i mean, its the internet, and well.. there are people that i work with that have the ability to click and walk into Sara's world...scary part, i'd have no idea.. i'd have absolutely know idea that if when i saw Mary or Harry they had the night before read every little word and judged till there was nothing else to judge. yet, wouldn't say a word too you about it anyway... kind of scary right? yeah, i think so too.

but, maybe thats the rewarding apart about getting older, getting more comfortable and well, being true to yourself. sure, a pen and a paper is always good, and probably always best, but a free form of thought which could be shared or interpreted will serve a purpose bigger than i may really know, and that is kind of cool. so as i sit here, too early to go to bed, and too late to go to the only other place where the shoe fits (wonder where that is?)... i find myself tearing out a piece of paper and clicking  a pen..... however, today, the keyboard just felt like a better fit.

reminded me of a song: Anna Nalick, Breathe. perfect for pen and paper, but when you don't know the rest, a blog post will do. am i right ashley kunkle? ;)

"cus these words are my diaries screaming out loud and i know that you'll use them however you want too.."