a shift

there are plenty of shifts that take place in one's life. like the shift from being a little girl that turns into a bratty teenager, the shift from spending 4 years in college to suddenly being on your own trying to pay the bills, or the "simple" shift from one job to the other. there are the shifts in life that happen slowly and expectantly however, there are other shifts in life that happen suddenly. they happen at a specific moment.

they rocked you to sleep, they dressed you for school in the mornings and helped with homework at night. they visited colleges with you or bought you your first car or even walked you down the aisle. then, in one day, hour or even a moment... a shift occurs. i find that it is the specific moment in time where the child, the daughter or even the son becomes the caretaker; the "parent" and carries the responsibility of providing security, uninhibited love and unwavering support. the kid becomes the one looking for the monsters under the bed for those that did just the same for them years and years ago.

a role reversal - a shift.

i remember my grandmother telling me about how she would brush her moms hair, and i have listened to how my mom would give my grandfather warm soup and crackers for dinner. that is the shift.

it is when the realization is had that your mom or dad are not going to be the ones to pick you up after you fall down on the driveway and kiss away the boo boo from a scraped knee. it is that first instance when you become the one to make it better for those that once made everything better for you... a shift in the role, now the caretaker...now the one in the drivers seat.

life is short however, no matter how or when the shift happens, i am confident that there will be someone to provide the comforting scratch on the back or kiss on the top of the head to let the other know everything is going to be okay, a single promise but a strong one at that.  

more importantly, i commend those who have experienced this shift and who have not only lived with it but lived through it. i commend those that find humor in life's shifts and can look to the heavens and praise every single little blessing along the way. 

sure, some shifts are harder than others but those that have been taught well, those that have had the best role models along all of their own life events...these will be the ones that handle the role reversals ahead with the most grace and patience.

so, thank you to those who have taught their own to be the best they can be...for one day, they'll make theirs feel safe and sound and surround them with shatterproof love, because after all... they are now the ones that in just a moments time, need it the most.

 

It's monday already?

Thankfully I don't have to complain much about the weather anymore. I don't have to walk out of my apartment to wet air and foggy glasses. I don't miss the days where sitting at the pool became almost a chore and any trip in a car was pretty miserable until about 10 minutes in when the AC finally started to work. Thankfully, it's almost fall in VA and that is a pretty sweet thing.

This weekend may not have really felt like fall with an 85 degree average but that's nothing some mums, hay and driving with the windows down can't fix (especially in a shiny new car). This weekend was one for the books. Both relaxing and full of laughs. Next weekend will deliver just the same I'm sure with a visit from the Dolans.. woop woop!

Just one word of advice, don't see gravity in 3D if you're easily made nauseous. Thank me later.

 

 

 

Happy Monday!

Since August...

If I'm looking at it right, it's been since August that I've even logged in. it's been since August I've even thought about pulling up a blank page and typing my mindless thoughts away. it's been since August that I've jumped. it's been since august and well, it feels great.

Since August I have;

• Been on a Charleston blitz trip filled with a simply perfect "The Notebook" tour, Hootie and the Blowfish x2, met up with friends and felt sweet southern breezes
• Moved to VA
• Finalized décor for the new apartment
• Oh yeah, moved into a new apartment
• Worn jeans and a sweatshirt for the first time in probably a year
• Accepted a job offer
• Visited family in PA for a weekend of love and laughter
• Started a new job
• Bought a new car

Now, that may not seem like a lot (uh.. just kidding) but this weekend will be filled with Gamecocks, relaxing and cruising with the windows down and it couldn't be more enticing. Gone are the weekends where Friday came and solo nights at the apartment would ruin anyone's mood. Thankfully gone are the Mondays where I needed to just get up and do it all over again, only looking forward to a few months down the road for the next trip "home" or down to Ft. Meyers , or maybe a visitor to brighten my spirits.

Since August I have closed my eyes, taken a leap of faith and gotten completely out of my comfort zone. Since August I have realized that family, friends and the love in between will get you through any scary or difficult time all the while teach you how to handle it with grace.

Since August, I've felt like a little bit more "me" and it feels great.

25 meets crazy meets opportunity

It hasn't been easy, it absolutely hasn't been easy. However, the decisions I make are mine and they are passionate in every meaning of the word.

I could find pages and pages of quotes that speak about living your life, being happy, takings risks and loving the life you make. They are mostly about happiness and how challenges make you stronger or not to have regrets. for some one who absolutely loves quotes, my recent decisions can not be made because a quote on a block of wood, a sign or on a screen says it's going to be okay. there is not a quote in the world that can look at you back in the mirror and tell you that you made a mistake, that you are taking a risk that is too big or that you are absolutely crazy... in every meaning of the word.

I am 25 and in two weeks I won't have an office to hang my diploma in. I'm 25 and may be not where I thought I'd be at this moment but what I do know is that "life is what happens when you're trying to make a living" and that is one quote that could not be more true. I am 25 and surrounded by support... support that I never thought would be there even if I planned it to be that way. I am 25 and opportunity is at my door. I am 25 making a life AND a living and for me, that is what after 25 years, I have learned is most important.

When I think about that word "opportunity" I think about it in the professional and personal definition. Professionally, I know that my skills will lead me to doors that I am fully capable of opening - a challenge that I am willing to accept.  I know that hard work, perseverance and support will open the doors I want badly enough. Confidence is key. Personally I think about being able to drive home to see family in an afternoon, literally 1 afternoon. I think about seeing my Dad's gigs, attending family parties, weekends at the mountains and beach excursions. I think about attending Carolina football games or making snacks for the road games while sitting on the couch with company (an actual human!). I think about sitting on a porch, in the fall, with coffee and seeing the boy on the other end of the table and thinking..."finally". It makes my heart light and my shoulders even lighter, and for me that is something I haven't felt in a very very long time. 

Opportunity is at my door and I am staring the challenge in the face. Opportunity is a word most commonly used by optimists, considering the origin. I am not an optimist. I am a realist and some my even say a pessimist but at this time in my life, at 25 years young... i have never seen opportunity like this.

I think I agree, maybe?

"Follow your passion is bad career advice" - Huffington Post

Interesting read - CLICK HERE

I have always been a go-getter if you will. the kind of person that likes to be challenged and then succeed. i mean, who doesn't? i wouldn't say that i settle or that i am content with just going through the motions. i am not the kind of person that is professionally fulfilled living in my small town, having a small job and leading a "simple" life. i don't think i really have ever been that way. i do know that i want my cake and i'd like to eat it too. but, when you think about passion or happiness or you think abut what makes you want to enjoy your life to the fullest...following your passion might seem like a good idea.... until now. 

i read this article last night and it takes the wondrous spirit every young twenty-something has and questions the motive. unfortunately, i think i agree with it? what about you?

"Year after year, you perform work that makes full use of your skills and challenges you to develop new ones. Your work not only interests you, it gives you a sense of meaning. You enjoy opportunities for learning and development. You work with people who energize you. You are confident that your skills and competencies make you valuable and marketable and that you can access opportunities through your network. You are able to fit your work together with the other things in your life that are important to you, like family, friends, and leisure."

this article begs the question, "Is it better to discover your passion, or develop it?" and like i mentioned, i seem to think the latter. 

it can be "easy" to want to pack up, pick up and move on in search for what you are passionate about. it could be photography, it could be traveling, it could be the arts or even science...all things that people so carelessly in a moments notice can make big life decisions in an attempt to obtain. what makes this idea even more challenging is witnessing people who have followed "their passion" and don't actually work a day in their lives (or their new lives) because they love their job that much. you know the kind... the photographers, the mom bloggers or the artists that can actually make a living (a comfortable one at that, doing what they feel they are set on this earth to do) I'm fairly certain Confucius once said something along those lines.

"Instead of focusing on passion, look deeply at what energizes you, what you find rewarding, what you're good at and what comes to you easily. Valcour advises examining your high and low points at work, and identifying the times that you felt more energized, engaged and fulfilled -- and why you felt this way."

i think being self aware in situations like these are important for discovering what makes you happy and fulfilled or simply content...therefore passionate about life, not just a profession. everyone has dreams, or at least they should, but it might not always be the right career move to chase them if you could be passionate about what you have in front of you. 

now, if you've tried to engage with your surroundings and develop your passion, and still are in search for something more then it might be time to discover something else.

like i said, i think i agree, maybe?

Traveling mind

I'm not a world traveler, I'm not a "preferred access" flyer or even a public transportation pro. I am however, a traveling mind. I've had a few zip codes and I hold on to my rubber-ware storage bins because I am sure to use them every few years or so. It's not something I really wished for, nor really something that I "enjoy". however, with all of that said and because of my little imperfect game plan, I am certainly a traveling mind.

sure, it's been a while since my last post and I've without a doubt lost my mind once or twice since then but in my travels recently, I've been able to think about a variety of things. they are as follows;

1. i'm tired. i'm always tired. call it a post graduate problem or PGP, or call it being lame... all I know is that living on my own makes me tired. i go to bed early and i can still wake up late. when i travel... it only gets worst therefore making me even more boring than usual. i have also found that i for some reason have more energy in the following places; beach bars, while getting ready to go out with a cold beer in my hand, in Columbia sc, and while driving through Perkasie at dusk. yep, all true.

2. my brother is a positive soul. he is absolutely beaming with optimism and good energy. he never ever complains even after working a tough, messy job standing on his feet all day. no matter what, when you ask my brother how his day at work went "it was great!" ... talk about perspective. i took notes from his book this weekend. - he also stays up very late...he's a good egg and clearly much more fun than i am.

3. my patience for airports and people in airports is not high....and is shrinking by the trip. i am not a Ron Paul supporter or crazy anti-tsa creep, BUT mark my words, there are plenty of weird old men that work those "screening" booths and enjoy it. yes, i just said that. and yes, it's a fact.

4. it is important to spend time with your grandparents, even if it is just an hour or so. their time is precious and they are the real "travelers".... of life. and that, that's pretty interesting conversation if you ask me. conversation that I miss when i'm by myself hundreds of miles away.

5. i don't talk when i eat. my mom thinks it's because i live alone. i think she is right. it was funny when she pointed that out, even more funny that it is entirely true.

6. gin blossom's pandora station is awesome. i recommend it when hanging out with family and friends during your "travels" and late nights. you're welcome.

7. i miss my dog. a lot. i've missed his first swim and his first night's sleep outside of a crate and well, that really really sucks.

8. i'm not outdoorsy. i think that the mountains are pretty and i think that the water that runs through the Rockies is the best i've ever drank but, i'm not outdoorsy. i also don't like driving on winding roads up 11,000 feet. in the back of a bus. period... never again.

9. i have a new song that makes me cry. it is perfect for flying, or leaving your family, or sitting alone or driving slow. sara bareilles - satellite call.

10. i want to be more of a live in the moment kind of person. i've tried. it's not in my guts and it makes me mad when it is brought to my attention... i can only do so much, but i'll work on it, or at least continue to be self aware and act like it doesn't bother me.

11. home cooked meals are always better when they are cooked by your parents. i've tried to make some good home cooked meals but they never turn out as great as something cooked on the grill in your old back yard or something that has the love of 3 other people to enjoy it with you... i'll have to work on that too.

12. the concept of "vacation days" make me cringe. i live my life on "vacation days" or the lack there of. i hate that "vacation days" are so hard to come by and so short lived. my life is a "vacation day". i NEED more vacation days. but then again, who doesn't?... add it to the "work on it" list.

13. no matter the hassle, the frustrating baggage claims, or even the long delays and traffic jams...whatever is at the crux of the traveling, it's always worth it. seeing family, laughing loud, eating good eats, and exploring new things are always worth it. sure, i may not think that at the time...but right about now, flying 35,000 feet over the distance between me and everyone else...i always realize it is worth it. 

better late than never. right?

that old CD collection you keep...

where is it? where is that box or case or drawer of old CD's you keep? oh and why do you keep them? do you expect them to be worth gold some day? do you expect them to bring you back to your "adolescent crying on a pillow at your first love" nights, or what about because well...they are just too damn good to get rid of? i pick the latter.

i have about oh, let's say...80 CD's. I have CD's from every year in middle school, every year and summer in HS and even a few from after when i was convinced that the whole iPod thing would surely fizzle. boy was i wrong, but boy am i glad that i have these gems to bring me back to the good ole days...well sorda. these CD's are in real rough shape. some of them are chipped, cracked, straight up shattered and yet i still keep them? why? WHY?! what is the point? they aren't going to play, and if anything..they will probably break whatever old school CD player i bring out to try my attempt. whatever, i'll assure myself it was worth another try.

this morning was a good morning. i found a CD from my old desktop computer. the CD simply had "A-B" written on it in a messy green sharpie. i assume it was my attempt to show what section of my music library these songs were from... uh, let's just say i was wrong.

this morning alone i was able to rock out to the following;

• Eminem - Toy Soldiers (jam)
• Avril Lavigne
• Some random Christian Pop song
• Ra (uhhhh?)
• Ja Rule - i think it was "always on time"
• B. Spears
• Blessed Union of Souls
• Something awesome from the Hardball Soundtrack (sick movie)
• Oh and my favorite 2Pac - "Changes"

now, i'm fairly certain this CD somehow has about 200 songs on it and after the first few, i can assure you i'll be takin' a little better care of this gem. and for all of you who have a box of CD's...break them out and enjoy a good laugh or two. as a matter of fact, it took me an extra 10 minutes to get out of my car today. with songs like the ones above, who wouldn't want to re-live the good life for a just a few minutes before shaking your head and laughing at yourself before snapping back to reality?

the "mystery or blank title" cd,
 the I can only assume "Dane Cook - Limewire stolen jams -  more mystery songs" cd,
 and "My Mix!"....

 welp, this should be interesting...

dad- the real rockstar

my dad is a rockstar. not only is he an unbelievable dad, but he is in a band. his band books gigs, they get paid to play, they have a website and a small little fan club. he's kind of a big deal. my dad really is a rockstar.

i could talk about the music thing, the drum thing, the i can't go home without seeing drumsticks and a practice pad on the counter thing, or i can talk about the real rockstar thing. and well, considering the whole father's day weekend thing... i'll go with the real rockstar gig he stars in. the dad gig.

my dad is unlike any other dad. he is passionate. he is strong-willed. he is stubborn. he is a giver. he is hilarious. my dad is one hell of a dad. when i think of my dad i think of all of these things and plenty more. but when i think of my dad and i, i am immediately a little girl being dropped off at seedlings pre-school, or hanging out on a tuesday night with epic desserts and Full House. i am right back in Silverdale, Pa on a snow day being pushed down our driveway into the white street ahead  (no traffic was coming, i swear). i am listening to Yes, "Tempted" by Squeeze or crazy Luau music in the living room. i am waiting up late until he's back from his work trip anxious to see what he brought home from his worldly travels. (usually it was a pin that represented the sate. i still have all of them. the Puffin from Alaska was my favorite - i think it was Alaska?) i can remember being a little girl with my dad more than anything else while growing up. i am without a doubt a dads girl, and i am without a doubt my fathers daughter.

i am stubborn.
i am passionate.
i am smart.
i am loyal.
i am sarcastic.
i am my fathers daughter.

among every beautiful memory of my dad and all of the exciting moments to come, i remember what it was like that one Christmas when it all could have been different. thankfully, we have had plenty Christmas's since and i am so thankful for that and every little inside joke we have shared since. now, i hold more closely the way he signs his notes, emails or texts...always xxoo versus the normal xoxo. i never go a day without looking at the note he handed me on the entryway of Sims in the women's quad at South Carolina as I stepped out of my dorm and into the next four years of my life and most important, there is never a day that i am not working hard to make sure he is proud...ever.

so from all the fathers days prior, to always being my valentine in all the years ahead, i love you dad. keep rockin' out. you're a great rockstar, and a great drummer.

love, me.
xxoo.

rockstar; the drummer kind.

pitiful

it is rainy today. it is a tropical weather humid rain. maybe not pitiful, but today, for me, it does beg the question...what is? what is pitiful that i feel the need to shed some light on... why, you ask? i. have. no. clue....

so here we go; things i find pitiful.

1. freshman. as i wrote that i actually laughed out loud. today at a stoplight (in the rain) i watched a freshman (he had to be) dressed up as if he cared who was looking holding a campus map. i'd assume he was lost on the way to his second summer semester class, or he just couldn't remember how he got there the first 6 times. if you ask me, freshman are painfully pitiful.

2. my dog, henry. henry is probably the saddest puppy this side of the state. he doesn't have too many friends, he never really gets to run and play for fear i won't be able to get him back once he gets scared of a leaf and takes off, and well...he has the droopiest little eyes you could ever imagine. sometimes i tell him, "don't worry henry, your life won't always suck and you certainly won't always be this pitiful". i wonder if he believes me?

3. did i say freshman? sorry, just kidding. sorda.

4. my obsession with Scandal. seriously, i'm obsessed. i find myself thinking of the unsolved mysteries they try and figure out in Olivia's office. i am looking forward to watching the next episode before the current one is even over and i love fitz.  no seriously, i love him. and well...that, that is pretty pitiful.

5. those people that hold up advertisements outside. all. day. long. now that is pitiful. i mean who has the patience to stand in one place, or within steps of one another all day long holding up a sign for, let's say Blimpie, or Little Caesars Pizza? seriously? if that is not pitiful, i don't know what is. more power to ya...

6. over the top obsessions. call me crazy or say that i just have a lack of anything to be passionate about but i think that crazy obsessions about anything or anyone famous is just sad. i don't care if you are obsessed with Justin Beiber, your favorite band or that you keep a signature from your favorite player next to your nightstand. do yourself a favor and keep it together. i also hope that if ever given the chance to actually meet whoever or whatever it is you are obsessed with that you don't pee your pants or throw up on anyone around you. not only is that pitiful, but it's incredibly embarrassing. good luck. (And Joe, i know you love Bono, but it's okay..i still love you ;-))

7. cargo shorts. need i say more?

8. horrible selfies. look, i am not saying that i haven't snapped a few cute pictures while sitting at a light or before going out all dolled up, it's a fact, i admit it. what i will say about selfies is that there is a correct way to do it. see here. [duh] so for all of those horrible selfie takers out there...better luck next time. you're pitiful, thanks for sharing though.

so there ya have it, just a few things i find painfully pitiful. you can thank the rain for this random gem...

wedding bliss

this post will be filled with love. filled with the memories of wedding bliss and excited shrieks that filled a beautiful house for a friend-full four days in a picture perfect setting. it will absolutely be filled with hints of ridiculousness and those little things that still make my gut hurt from the belly holding, lean over laughter. this past weekend was pure wedding bliss in all definitions of the term.

a wedding is always a perfect place to make some memories, and with my friends and a long awaited reunion involved, it was just that...perfect. 6 girls, "sisters", all together to see one of them marry the man of her dreams.

what could be better?

so as we popped pink champagne, told old stories, got a little car sick (sorry em, it's true), talked some dirt, won some sick firefly pong and cried tears of laughter... it couldn't have been better.

(maybe a little warmer, but hell..that walk down the boardwalk at 2am was perfectly warm. ---Al, we need pictures...NOW!)

insert quotes: "What's her last name? No, what's her new last name? That is her new last name!" "And truthfully she has big arms..." "Jenna, I need to talk to you because you're the only one I know who's gone too Dubai, India" "I'm not like book smart, I'm like life smart" "Stop the cocaine campaign" "Three hours ago, I was wasted as a cow"...and honestly, I couldn't even tell you who, when or how these things were even said, but if they were good enough for me to write down in a notepad, they were damn well gonna make it in here!

amongst all of the craziness that is our lives together ("there are so many things i HATE right now i can't even list them!") ... there was one thing in my wedding weekend that  rocked my gut in a different way. in a "let me stop and pause" way...

it was the speech from the priest regarding Kait and Adam's "dance". it was a presentation about communication. words on how to truly value one another...how to talk for hours with your new partner because after all communication is what makes a love grow. it is what makes you remember what it was like in that moment. it is what makes you stronger as an individual and even stronger as a couple. as this man stood at his podium facing Kait and Adam I could barely hold back the sobs [yes, sobs] because there has never been words  i felt so valuable to be heard. communication is key and without it we fall apart. so as i personally live a separate life from my partner in crime, i can't think of another thing that i'd want to be reminded of on a day of wedding bliss. communication is what makes a dance sway with fluent uniform. sure, you might knock knees a bit, you might even trip or step on ones heels, but if you communicate, the steps become much more clear and just a bit easier to follow the others lead.

so, for something i'd never expect to be thankful for... thank you Kait and Adam for reminding me why communication is so important, and what it's like to dance with the one you'd share any song with till the end of time. i love you both! congrats!

to the other 4 of you, ya'll are crazy and i love every single one of you to death. keep raging. #soooopretty #socute

true love. the kappa kind.

best take home gifts ever. rain hats & bags!

finally snagged the bride for a pic! love!

love.. (so says the bffaeae ring)

picture perfect (no we didn't plan our outfits)

winners, obviously.

lace on lace on lace.

sara sandwich

wagon freaking wheel, obviously.

never too old for a mom hug

it was THIS blog post that inspired me to dig in a little deeper with Mom's day right around the corner. get your tissues.
(note; written last week, posted today!)

for me, the idea is simple really... no matter the age, the state, or the person... everyone needs a mom. some are lucky to spend all their days with their mom and sometimes the moments they get to share are cut short. for those people i wish i could lend my own mom's hugs... they are some of the absolute best.

for me, i thought this blog post was perfect because it brought to light two things;

1. the grass is always greener on the other side. this is something i think everyone suffers from. whether it is being blonde with straight hair and wanting the voluminous curls of a brunette or hating the state you were in at the time only to dislike the current even more. the grass is always greener on the other side. in this instance the daughter couldn't stand her moms jokes, her moms annoying habits or the way that everyone else adored her. it could have been jealousy, immaturity or simple distaste but if one thing is evident, it is that once she was gone... she wanted nothing more than to have her back doing all of those things she once couldn't stand.

2. age. no matter the age, you will always want your mom. i at 24 know for a fact that this is the case. i know that at 30 and throwing up i will want my mom in the room next door to make me feel better with a wet wash cloth and ginger ale. i know that  my mom is at the top of my list of people who i call in the instance of a mental break down or anxiety freak out. (if not the first) i know that when i finally grow up, i will want to know how to make that casserole or those perfect chocolate chip cookies. i am confident that i will want to know how to make the baby stop crying from a temperature or how to decide which battles are worth picking.

a mom has a way with words, a special touch and just enough wisdom to make you pause and say, "thank god, for my mom", now and at any age.

I love my mom more than words in a blog could describe. i hate being hundreds of miles away especially on a holiday like today's however i am thankful she is just a phone call away. i am thankful she is as inspiring and calm in hectic times and an incredible role model during any phase in life. my mom's laughs are contagious and her back scratches are the most soothing in the world. i love my mom more today than yesterday and i am lucky to call her mine now and every day.

so thank you mom, and happy mothers day. see you soon! xxoo.

Happy Birthday. From me, to you.

we have shared a few Birthdays over the years. the first birthday (his) was more about me than it was about him. (oops) it was my graduation day and naturally, his day was on the back burner. as for mine, well it was at the forefront. this was something i appreciated then sure, but i appreciate it even more now. honestly, i actually don't even remember wishing him a heartfelt happy birthday or exchanging a gift, so from me to you... thank you, i love you even more just cus'.

over the past few years, we have shared our birthdays apart. a big bummer as you may have guessed. oh and well, it does not get easier with time, contrary to what they may say. over the past few years i have sent cards, gifts, text messages, emails, pictures and whatever else i could think of to try and make the day a little more special.

all things considered one message is always the same.... "i can't wait to celebrate with you soon!"
...this year, it is no different.

so, again...it may not be a birthday dinner, a reservation for two or a a few favorite gifts wrapped nicely with ribbon (damn you amazon!). it will not be a shared beer on the porch or a fun lunch surprise.  this year, the only think i can think of that is real and right from the gut is a little post like this...

so, happy birthday big bean. i can't wait to celebrate with you soon....

Dear Joe, 
Yep, a post all about you! kinda nervous, right? (i would be too! ;)) this time you can't get mad or question my intentions. this time, it is simple. this time, i want to wish you a Happy Birthday for anyone who cares to see it. 

the past four years have not been easy, and they certainly have not always been fun. (i'm sure you'd  agree) what i can tell you about these past few years is this; they are teaching me a lot about love, life and everything in between. you are teaching me to communicate, to listen, to be patient and to breathe.  you are teaching me to remember to laugh, to smile and to cherish everything that is right in this wild world. you are the ease to my hectic mind and the calm to my crazy. 

i am thankful for our good time memories, the hellos and goodbyes every chance we get, our ever changing minds and crazy drive for nothing less than the best. you have passion that is raw and a laugh that is contagious. you are good people. i am thankful for your compassion and your stubborn pride. (no matter how tricky it can be to work with) i love the man you have grown into in just the few years i've been with you. i love who you want to be and where you want to go. i hope that your next year is even better than the last. 

i'd like to promise you a trip to Charleston, our first movie theater date and even a little Guinness in the afternoon. i'd like to promise you i'll laugh a little bit more and smile a little brighter. i'd like to promise to hug you a little tighter and hold your hand a little longer. i'd like to cheers to next year and plenty more. i'd like to wish you a happy little birthday full of big things ahead. 

from my little mountain, all the way to you.
Happy Birthday. Love Always, Beans.

life doesn't have to be hard

We all know i love quotes. whether they are motivational or straight to the point, about love or simply about seizing the day, i absolutely can't get enough. sometimes when i find one's that completely hit home i have to write them down, print them out and stick them to my forehead. well, not really...but as close as i can get to it. maybe it's the fact that they provide that little piece of insight that i can't ever pinpoint into words to write myself, or maybe it is the cool artwork behind the quote that makes it pop? hell, maybe i just like quotes. (i pick the latter)

anyway, today i found possibly the best quote in my current mental state that i could have possibly stumbled upon. it is below. thank you to THIS blog for sharing! (totally my kinda blog!)

[insert gear change...sorda]

i also stumbled upon this video by Sara Bareilles regarding her new album. witty and fun the concept is great however it is the last part of it which hits me in my quote loving gut. (i guess she digs quotes too?)

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
- Martha Graham, As quoted in video above.

hometown summer

i really miss small town summer nights. i'm not sure if it is the warm weather or the relaxing weekend with my best friend that makes me nostalgic but there is something about a summer breeze in a small few stop lights kind of town. 

i can remember summer nights like they were yesterday. every summer from elementary school all the way through hs and even coming back for a few summer trips during college. summers in perkasie are sweet, slow, breezy and always peaceful. where i live it is quite. it is on the ridge and overlooks the cities below for miles. it's serene and honestly, probably the best place to star gaze or porch drink for hours on a warm night. it was with a sweaty dad from lawn work sipping on a cold drink, a showered and geared up brother with hands full of any toy within reach and a pooled-out head-banded bright blonde mom that made those summer nights simple and easily my favorite to come home too.

i always enjoyed playing with chalk on the sidewalk or taking out the odds and ends out of the garage as my parents would sit under the porch next to the grill with a watchful eye. dinner would cook, laughs would be had and it honestly was some of my fondest memories of growing up. 

i look forward to having my own summer nights filled with family and friends. i look forward to new porch furniture and grilled dinners just like the ones i grew up on. i can't wait to stay up all night under the stars as the twinkle lights shine and the candles glow. it is the little things during the summer months that make it as sweet as could be. it may not be the south and it may not be the "country" but i'll tell ya what, my small town summer nights were just perfect. 

judge me all you want

this has potential to be one of those posts where people say "aww, now that's not the case darlin'" or "don't you be silly!, keep your head up!" it could be one of those posts that makes my man cringe at the words with fear that some of this stuff might actually have some truth [sorry joe, it does... get out while you can! RUN! FAST!]. it could be one of those posts where my best friend may say in a sarcastic manner..."damn, you're right" or "i told ya so!"... so, without further ado (sp?)... judge me all you want.

my thoughts the past few weeks have been fairly scattered, frazzled and incredibly inconsistent. surprised? it happens a lot [that's a joke]. anyway, i have my own responsibilities, my own job, my own bills and my own issues but lately, i have come to doubt my ability to handle well...just about anything. more importantly, i think i have convinced myself that i would be a terrible mother. [i know! even typing it makes my lip curl and my head shake [no seriously, i just did that] but honestly... i think it might be true.]

here are some reasons;
1. my dog. my dog stresses me out. i will follow up that statement by saying that i accept the responsibility and the decision i made to get him almost four months ago. i know eventually he will be worth it however,  if i can barely handle allergic reactions or the potential of fleas how the hell will i handle being a mom? sure, somethings you can adapt too and i'm not so worried about the actual act of being a parent...i am more worried about my personal sanity. my mental stability on not actually losing my mind. i think having kids would make me seriously insane. no, seriously.... insane.

see example; today was take your kid to work today and we got to provide tours to children between the ages of 8-18 of the Sun Dome. one little pain in the ass girl asked about 50 stupid questions, bounced off of every wall in the facility and poked your arm constantly for attention. [the best friend would say she absolutely had ADHD] she was kinda sweaty, and well... that kind of kid you secretly hope you don't end up running into in another life and can picture growing up to be one of those obnoxious sales clerks at Clinique. upon walking into the next room on our tour, i literally yelled out of annoyance from this child at the whole group to "SHHHHH, ONE QUESTION AT A TIME!!!". point of the story, my patience level was about.. oh, let's just say....zero. oops?

guess i won't be giving any tours in the near future.

2. groceries. this one is fairly lame but let me just try and explain. i live on the third floor. i do not have buy too much stuff since it's just me, but when your hands are full with grocery bags in an effort to make only one trip and you are walking up to your door on the third level and a bag handle rips, i seriously freak out. i immediately spiral into a state of self pity. a "i hate living alone" or "i can't do this any more" or "why the FUCK did i decide to live on the third floor" mindset seems to come over me with a vengeance. i within seconds tear up, and a few seconds after that, i scream. no seriously, i scream.... like a child suffering from a terrible 2's temper tantrum. oh and by the way... i'm 24 and well, that's not okay to do. thankfully only my neighbors hear this type of disaster. (and do they help?! NO! of course not, ugh. i digress.)

3. bills. everyone has bills. i get it. i will always have student loans, and i will always have car payments or due dates for this or that. however, with that in mind... i can't stand trying to keep it all straight by myself. i panic over the purchase of coffee (the one thing i can't live without in the morning) and have turned into probably one of the cheapest people i know.... and well,  that is a fact. terrible to admit, i know... but hey... i told you it would be easy to judge me on this one. it is what it is. ballin' on a budget; classy edition right here ladies and gents!

now, i could probably go on and on and list each and everything i struggle with, but let's be honest... that wouldn't be fun (for me) and well, at this point i am very aware of what i need to do better on. [or maybe i just need anxiety medication?] i can only hope that as i age, i'll calm the hell down, or that i will begin to b r e a t h e and not absolutely panic at a scraped knee or the sight of a late payment fee hit my account. hopefully, one of these days, i'll figure it out. and thankfully, by that time, i won't be alone.

it's the most wonderful time of the year!

that's right. i said it. no, it isn't Christmas, it isn't my birthday and it certainly isn't the first day of fall. (all a few of my favorites)... it is Masters Week. and for this gal, it is Masters & Monday After the Masters week.
[insert: loud shrieking "yeee!"]

if you know me even a little, you know i love this week. and to be quite honest i haven't even been able to see the full four days of the Masters due to working the MAM for the past 4, about to be 5 years. it is the excitement of rushing back to the clubhouse from the sign truck to check the tv, the constant alerts on the phone that keep me in the loop, the fake spreadsheets that masters.com sets up to hide live coverage on your desktop and the bets that big poppa sets up for a little friendly gamble...and well, i wouldn't have it any other way.

there is something about the game, the hype, the history and the new stories every year. the production is always flawless. the commentary is pure and it symbolizes an American tradition. for me, it's better than a cold beer under the lights at a baseball game. the masters and tournament season in general is different. it is clean, it is personal, and it is respectful. you have the rivals and you of course have the points but there is something about it just a little sweeter. maybe it is the natural draw to the south that i love, the ever changing games of players trying to maintain their spot at the top, or perhaps it is the chase for the new kid that keeps us on the edge of our seats (secretly still wanting Tiger to dominate).

all actual game talk aside, i always go back to the production. the tv, the course, the PR, the years of planning, the hospitality, the logistics, and the timing. so maybe it is the degree that i have thank? i do know that it takes a special kind of person to do it and i love that every year i get to play a very small part in making our own little masters do it's thing like the well oiled machine that it is.
(thanks to the greats that make it that way, and their fabulous families who keep the tournament office bright)

so cheers to the laughs ahead, the friendly faces, the dew on the fairways in the morning, the late nights, green jackets and loud music...Masters Week 2013, i'm happy to see ya! and in the words of Ric Flair "Woooooo!"

stress less

people are always telling me i stress too much. my dad, my mom, my grandmother, my boyfriend and everyone in between. when this happens i desperately try to rearrange my mental focus on the things that make me feel more calm and align my mind with what is important. usually for me, the things i stress about are also the things that aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. (perspective is a powerful thing)

for me, the things that cause me to literally freak (seriously, ask the boyfriend if you don't believe me) out are related to things that i either can't control in the immediate future or are things that i feel aren't working out the way that they should. (or the way i need or want them too)

on the flip side, i like to think that i handle life's big stresses with grace.... you know, the things that really test a person's character . i am confident i handle these things with superior ease (don't worry, i use the term lightly). but the little stuff... no freaking way. count me out. and of course with being down and out comes, well... more stress.

i'm creepily self aware of my issue with stress. i think that is part of the problem. i know i shouldn't be panicking. i realize i sound like a maniac when i call my home screen favorites and can't breathe.  and honestly between you and i, there is nothing that i hate more than being told by the other end of the phone to breathe. I KNOW I NEED TO BREATHE! however for this girl....it's not always easy. hence, stressed out maniac.

i'm not a quitter but God help me for thinking about it every now and then. in an attempt to "realign" my mind i pulled out my old Teen Bible. this thing looks like it has been through war. i mean notes, pages ripped, post its and place holders....  and honestly, it's comforting actually. to know that at one time in my life it did provide some sort of solace for an eager mind and uneasy spirit. it also reminds me that there has not been one moment in my life that i can remember not being stressed or overwhelmed with life's daily curve balls.

as a matter of fact in the days of the 96' Blue Dodge Neon (I think I named her Balooga? or something like that...sorry, disregard) i remember taping a verse on my dash. seriously, i taped a verse on my dash to remind me every day to stress less. it went like this;

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we do not give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up and keep going. Through suffering these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies." - 2 Corinthians 4, 8-10

heaven knows that we are all pressed on every side. and sure, not everyone handles anxiety with ease (cough cough, me, cough cough) however, if anything is true it is that there are things in this life that are constant like love and support.  i am thankful that i have both and every now and then (more often than not) those home screen favorites remind me of the reasons to stress less, and well, they will always remind me to breathe.

the jacket

Roanoke weekend; extended version took place these past few days (is still taking place as i currently sit in Joe's office waiting for a flight back down) and it was absolutely wonderful.

there is something special about getting to see your friends, family and of course your significant other after a few months time which always makes the time spent a little more valuable and a lot more memorable.

amongst the Carrie Underwood meet and greet, the trying of new tastes around town, a quick visit from family, errands, snow (a lot of freaking snow) and a whole lot of laughs there was one part of the weekend that will be most memorable.

now, i realize this could be pretty gutsy to say considering the amount of money and/or time and effort that went into making my little concert experience in the front row one for the books however, when it comes down to it what might have been the best part was also absolutely as free as could be.

and well, it was the jacket.

coming for warm sunny Florida bringing a jacket really wasn't one of those things that i wanted to pack, nor do i even really keep. i did however while packing and prepping think "hmmm, i really should tell him to bring me a jacket when he picks me up" but thoughts like that seem to go in and then out as quick as they came.  fast forward through a bumpy flight and walking off the plane, my first thought was dammit! i definitely should have told him to bring that jacket! (those breezeways are very cold!)

quickly i ran through the terminal in an effort to warm up and await pick up. (easily the most exciting thing after a few months apart) as he pulled up i noticed something in the seat....he brought my jacket. the one i said nothing to him about. the one that i really secretly wished he would remember to bring. and well... he did.

sure, some may say that i'm nuts but for me, it meant a lot. to me it meant that he was thinking of me before i arrived. it meant that he took the few extra steps to make sure i was comfortable.

when it comes to relationships... it is the little things that make a big difference and this weekend, little things made a big difference. (thanks, big bean)