history book

at only 23... there is still a lot of history there. there are a lot memories, there are tough times, there are even more laughs and there is an abundance of things in the middle. there are family, and there are friends, and of course, there are relationships... old and new. all of these things make up the person that i have become...and chances are, depending on what your timeline is...  you have a lot of history too. there are old boyfriends, there are laughs, there are childhood memories...some of which will put you right back in the yard you grew up in, wearing your favorite outfit, listening to your favorite song on repeat. it is things like this and all of the pages in the middle that make up who you are and who i have become.

personally, i have memories of growing up with close friends and family. memories that are so vivid i can picture what i was wearing, what i was listening to, who i was with, and how i felt in those moments. most of these put me back in silverdale pa, where that house was more of a home than i will ever have. it is the smells, it is the kitchen, it is the backyard and the trees. it is the bedroom and closets. it is by far where my childhood will stay. it is at 133 lawndale ave that my love affair of growing up will remain.


the middle years were full of friends, phonies and a whole lot of bullshit. it was sports, it was figuring it all out, and it was fast. it was tears and it was hardships...but i'll tell ya what, it made me who i am now, 23 years through the history book. i couldn't have been more proud of myself, or my family than i am today. anyone who is...no one, thinks they know what it was like to grow up in my shoes. and lucky enough for me, anyone who is everyone, knew how to prove what real family and friends are in times of need or total lack of trust. it is because of friends like the ones i don't even need to speak of that i am who i am today, and it is because of family like mine that i can hold my head up whenever shit gets rough. for any of those who don't have what i have, or have never learned what it is like to feel the support of those who matter... you'll never make it when times get tough...take it from me. allow me to thank you to those who mattered most. you know who you are. but an even bigger thanks goes to the ones that were the nastiest, the ones who hopefully today can look in the mirror and know their faults...because you, are the ones that made a decision to go 700 miles away the easiest and best decision i could have ever made. funny how things work out.


college, as i have mentioned before was full of laughs, beer, class, and chemistry. there are few that made their mark deeper than any one else has prior in the 23 years thus far... you know who are. some will be bridesmaids, some will be the ones that got loose, and some will be the ones who let it all slip away. it was fun while it lasted, and sure i'd go back..but i'd be a fool to wish it would have ended any other way. its been a ride, and time can fly...but i'll tell ya what... chemistry was never stronger than when it wasn't yours to be had, and when that is the case...you learn a alot of new things. you learn how to love... the real kind, you learn how to laugh, the real kind, you learn how to be stubborn, the tough kind, and you learn how to forgive, the forever kind. so it is to the few that didn't last..that i thank you, because hell... chemistry is great, but there is a reason why i never took that class.  and its because of ya'll that i am again, where i am today, 4 years later.


so as i sit miles removed from what has gotten me to this point so far, i look at my history book and think...there is actually a lot to read after only 23 years. [insert sigh of relief here] i shouldn't be so hard on myself as if i haven't accomplished much. its because of the pressure of what is next in life that keeps me from enjoying the present. i should try and realize that each person's text is a little different. a little more intense, or maybe slightly more lack luster... and hell, if i have learned anything along the way, it is not to judge a book by its cover, but to read what is in between the pages before you can truly judge at all. chances are, there is probably history there that you know nothing about.

some people have moved on and left it all behind, and some people are still there as if nothing has changed at all. no matter what chapter i go back to re-read, i know home will always be home, college will always be college, and the relationships made will always remain. i know i wouldn't want it any other way but, it is because of a history like mine that keeps me going back to everything in between. if one thing is true, history doesn't look that bad after second glance and remembering that in the moment could probably help ease the page break and start the next chapter with a smoother transition.