do this, do that

Sara, you need to slow down. Sara, you need to double and triple check your work. Sara, you need to breathe. Sara, you need to not stress. Sara, you need to live a little, ya know have a little more fun. Sara, stop being such a "mom". Sara, you need to do this. Sara, you need to be like that. Sara, everything will work out. Sara... GAH! Give me a a break!

look, my whole life people have been telling me that i need to slow down. i need to stop and take a look around a while instead of rush the gift that is right now, hence the reason it is called the present. they have said that i need to double and then triple check my work, as well as, well, that i need to do better. now, i realize that i have lessons to learn, but all of this to me is frustrating and well to be honest, disheartening. there are a few reasons why;

when you want to set the world on fire, or so the story says, you want to be able to stand up for what you want, ask questions, be confident and well, you want answers. you want to know how to succeed, you want to LEARN how to succeed, and you try to do everything in your power to do so... but it is when doing so that you will find those who will easily misinterpret. and trust me, these people can provide you very big life lessons, as well as some extremely difficult hours, days or even weeks. but, it is all how you handle it right? 


now, it is frustrating because i want to learn, you know, do big things...don't we all? (funny thing is, No, not everyone does...and when you meet these people, you learn a lot about how not to act, about what not to say, and how not to wear your opinion on your sleeve... just a tip.) regardless if you haven't been able to tell, i am ansty, hungry...eager. some may even say confident. trouble is here, i don't see these things as bad things...and you may not think so as well, but truth be told it is all about how you carry it. if too antsy people may think disinterested. if too hungry people may think lazy? and if too eager, people may think "know it all" or arrogant...a few things that are never good.

i think that you will always run into people that will understand how you work, why you do what you do, or understand how you think. those are the people who love you for the little crazy ticks that you may have or for the things that make you, you... these are the people that will keep you sane and undeniably have your back even if you are a little misunderstood. so...trust me, hold on to them...tight. on the other hand you will run into those who will misinterpret your determination, your fire, your eagerness for...lets say, disinterest, toughness, and even arrogance. this is where things get tough...(and slightly upsetting if you ask me, but then again, you didn't ask, therefore i shouldn't have said a thing [insert lesson here])

now, this is where the lessons come into play. i need to learn/am learning to not be as forward, to not ask so many truthful questions (crazy right), and to be as patient as possible, of course all with good measure. i need to learn to swallow a little pride and trust what is best... yes, there are bigger decision makers out there than myself, my supervisors, relatives, or even mentors. however, realizing these things can absolutely be the hard part. but then again, truth be told there has to be something that will make this crazy twenty-somethingness all fall into place. right? [insert lesson here] 


so, (unfortunately for those who are the opposite)...i have to realize to be okay with people who will continue to tell me to Slow Down! because well, i want to be hungry, eager, less antsy and i want to come off confident to strangers, friends and family alike... but then again...it is all in the delivery. [insert lesson here]

on the flip side, all i really want to learn is how to enjoy something like this...

the good ones

this weekend was a good one... for me, the best way to start a weekend has to be leaving early, which is just what i did. sorry, no work means time to play. so after a 4 hour drive west i landed in the star city. (roanoke) 
first night: b-dubs (buffalo wild wings) around 7 pm i was greeted at the door with a big kiss and a much needed hug, as well as a little play with the pup. then, we were off. a perfect casual date night if you ask me; some trivia, some wings, a beer or two and eachother... a perfect friday night. saturday was an early start with a trip to starbucks; which is becoming a little tradition, and then off to pet smart; also a tradition. next up, the mall to do a little shopping. (my favorite, thanks jfd) a perfect saturday that only leads to a perfect saturday night. then, a quick stop to the grocery store to make a. homemade guac b. homemade pigs in a blanket c. buffalo dip  and d. pizza rolls. yummy. so after some time in the kitchen making some much needed snacks and a ride to the center to pick up the boy we were set for a night of lounging and drinks. after the drinks faded a little sara barielles concert dvd was the perfect way to wind down.
sunday is always the day to leave...blah, BUT thankfully today roanoke va had something a little special in store... fall. the colors in south western va are incredible, almost as good as bucks county pa. the pictures you'll see blow will do no justice. there is just something about driving down the highway watching the yellow paint that matching the trees as they pass. pure fall bliss. so, with some country music jams, a gorgeous fall sky and a colorful backdrop i put the pedal to the medal...until next time. 


this weekend, was a good one; my favorite kind. 

a little fall landscape

ah! love it...the perfect start to some app making

a perfect saturday night

pure music

music does different things to different people. some like a good beat, some are suckers for good lyrics. it has the ability to set those who may be high strung into complete free spirit. there are country fans and rock fans and all of the fans in between. there are those that appreciate music, and those that enjoy it.. and of course those that are both. everyone is a fan of something, i am a fan of music, the pure kind.
pure music is slightly difficult to explain in detail but i am going to try and then see where this takes me. last night i went to CNU to see Sara Barielles. AMAZING. here is why; she is pure raw talent. she did not hit a single wrong note (not one), she sings from her head not her chest...and its STRONG (the right kind), she can harmonize (sick), she can play multiple instruments (also sick), and she is a lyrical genius (well, i think so). she is not only random, and absolutely great to watch but to me she is purely musical.
not a Sara fan? there are plenty of other artists out there that have that raw talent; take the foo fighters for example... the guy can play any instrument, sing his brains out, write crazy lyrics as well as put on an incredible show (one that i need to see before i die). he/they are total pure musical talent (well, i think so...and it's my blog so shhh)
because i work in an industry that is based off of entertainment i find myself being a tough critic. when i go to a show, or hell..am even working a show, if i can tear myself away from looking at signage, event staff, exits, dirty floors, crazy lighting, trash cans and whatever else, i look for three important things. these things usually display for me something that is purely musical. 1. the sound. the feeling of the bass in your chest. the sound of each instrument separately yet comes together and blends perfectly 2. the audience. if its sold out, usually that is a good sign, but more importantly the audiences' faces. if people are captivated. if people are not on their cell phones, but yet they are entranced by a crescendo, or jaw dropped at sustaining a note for the indicated time value. their faces will tell it all. being engaged is a big part of this one. and lastly 3. emotion. if you are to the point of tears (don't judge) by a lyric, a voice, a note, a melody or an arrangement that is displayed on stage you are witnessing pure music. these three things are what i look forward too when i go to a concert, or even drive down the highway with volume on full blast.

pure music is one of those things in life that makes me thankful to hear, to listen, and to be moved by something so transparent yet so complex as music. it makes me thankful i can sing (even just a little) and that i can appreciate what pure music is and what it means.



Musical.



family tree

family is good. here is why; you are cut from the same mold which means you are bound to have something in common and in my case... it is a little more than we both may have bargained for. my aunt and i are similar in personality, in tendencies, in character and well, in pretty much all aspects of life. we both get irritable easily, we both work hard and we both love even harder, which i am sure is in thanks to a mom and grandmother alike if you ask me. this woman is one of the special few i look up too, and some one who i thank god is my aunt and not yours. she means well, is funny, and always classy...even if she thinks otherwise. we think similarly, stress alike, and sometimes struggle with god only knows what in the same manner. 


for some one who keeps it all together like myself, as well as my aunt [insert pat on the back here]... we tend to have some...well, lets call them flaws (don't judge). but, if i have realized anything after a phone conversation like ours... it is always good to have someone else on your side of the fence that isn't your mom, your best friend, or even your boyfriend... yet someone who is part of the roots of the tree and who will always, no matter what, be a saving grace in any dark moment, no stress needed that everyone needs even just a little bit of every now and again.


i have learned some very important things tonight; 
1. belly breathing, a must try. 
2. all anxiety comes from negativity. it takes some sort of negative mind set to be as sarcastic and hilarious, well slightly out of line at times as myself... and my aunt. 
3. think positively before going to bed. thank god for everything good in life, or even for simply not providing the bad. everything can be turned into a positive. 
4. remember that you don't have to have the best clothes, the best hair, be the most in shape at the gym, or even have the best attitude, you just have to be you. 
5. there is something bigger 
6. control is state of mind, and you simply can't always have it. 
7. resist any urge to be tough on yourself. accept the good stuff
8. being religious is more than church. it is a mind set, and it is achievable.
9. family is sweeter when its stronger.
10. i have the coolest aunt "this side of the Mississippi" (and yes in order to spell that i sang the M - I - S - S - I - S - S - I - P - P - I song)


pretty good right? i think so too. so with a new found sense of reality, and a hopeful heart one can always try a little harder to make the good things in life a little better, and the bad things in life a little less of a bummer. and if anything, it is always good to know i have got another someone special on my side who might just be as crazy as i am... no pun intended.

touching base

there is nothing better than touching base with someone that you have known since 7th grade. someone who has seen you grow up, and still loves you anyway. someone who you have partied with, probably cried around, and who you are totally yourself with. it has been a friendship years in the making and if there is anything on a Monday that is just the thing to give you that mid afternoon boost you need, its a "touching base" email.

garthy is traveling all over the world for the NAVY but still finds the time to send an email here and there to catch up.. touch base, and even send a few laughs my way. he's the best, good people if you will, and i am so thankful for what he does and that i can call him a friend; something that will never change.

good kid, good times, and even better memories to come.

get home safe, and visit soon! (bring carlton too) xxoo. and in the meantime i'll work on that "knowledge is power" thing you speak of.



hmmm...disregard.



Dead Flowers - Miranda Lambert

slightly obsessed..scratch that.. totally obsessed with this song.
I feel like the flowers in this vase
He just brought 'em home one day, "Ain't they beautiful?" he said
They been here in the kitchen and the waters turnin' gray
They're sittin' in the vase but now they're dead, dead flowers
 I feel like this long string of lights
They lit up our whole house on Christmas Day
But now it's January and the bulbs are all burned out
But still they hang like dead flowers
 He ain't feelin' anythin'
My love, my hurt or the sting of this rain
I'm livin' in a hurricane
All he can say is, 'Man ain't it such a nice day?'
Yeah, yeah
 I feel like the tires on this car
You said they won't go far but we're still rollin'
I look in the rear view and I see dead flowers in the yard
And that string of lights and it ain't glowin'
Like dead flowers, like dead flowers
 He ain't feelin' anythin'
My love, my hurt or the sting of this rain
I'm drivin' through a hurricane
All he can say is, "Man ain't it such a nice day?"
Hey, hey, I guess we'll just go to waste
Like dead flowers
 Like dead flowers, dead flowers

stop and wonder

it is strange to think about all of the people that you meet in your life. all of the people that you simply meet eyes with that you will never see again... do you ever think about that? do you ever think about all of the people that you either had a crazy summer, night out, or weekend with? or what about all of the people that you cross paths with that you haven't spoken to in years, and probably never will... or how about when you hear through the grapevine that they are talking about you to a mutual friend yet would never think twice about telling it to you or your voicemail, because chances are, you wouldn't answer anyway.

these are the things that i think about alot... the random moments, instances, and thoughts that fill ones subconscious actions and mind on a daily basis. ive decided that people are complicated creatures. they dwell on things that don't mean anything, they sit and think about things frontwards and backwards before taking action, they reminisce regardless of why what they are reminiscing about is simply a memory, and most of all they tell themselves "it is what it is" even though what it is...could be, even should be very different than well, what it is. 

on any given day the human brain has approx 63,000 thoughts [thank you wikipedia]. so when you are at a stop light and you meet eyes with the person next to you, and think "i wonder what they are thinking" it becomes clear that these consist of ideas, notions, and comments that one asks themselves and perhaps others (hence the blog) regularly. now, they might not all be intelligent, or even conversational topics but they are certainly part of the reason you are who you are, or are part of the reason why you have the personality that you do.  now, i know personally i could think myself upside down. ex-boyfriends and my mom alike will tell you that i over analyze everything, which is probably reason for the anxiety but lets be honest here... with 63,000 thoughts to fill.. who wouldnt over analyze? me, i tend to think about past relationships; the good kind and the bad. i think about the flings and the crazy what if's. i think about the future and about what i want and why. i think about family and friends, and most importantly i think about others. 

sure, i think about others in the sense  'oh i wonder how so and so is doing', or 'i should send a card to him or her' but more deeply, i think about what others are thinking, or how they are feeling, or what they are doing. i think about why people do what they do, or for that matter, why people don't do what they should. i think about what other people are thinking, as again any ex boyfriend will tell you a favorite question of mine is; "what are thinking"...and that is real life people. its like an obsession, and i from the bottom my my stomach, can't tell you the reason why i care.

so here i am of course wondering why am i so obsessed with reminiscing, or feeling as though i need to know what others are thinking, or even doing for that matter. i've gotten past caring if people are judging, at least i think so anyway, and i have moved on from the slight paranoia that used to haunt me younger years...so why when i sit at as stop light, and face the left and look at the driver next to me do i think "i wonder what he is thinking", or "i wonder if he is thinking the same thing i am"...and after getting so in my own head, and normally being honked at for missing the green light.. i ask myself..."hello mcfly, what are you doing?!"

i wouldn't consider my self a deep thinker, because well, anyone can get "deep", and i certainly wouldn't call myself introverted, although there is always a time to keep to oneself... i honestly think, well...i just like to think... alot. it makes me who i am, and it drives the people i love around me crazy, this i know must true. those that know me best know that if something is wrong, i tend to obsess. if something is lost, i wont sleep until i find it. if i have something to share, i tell too many wrong details before spitting it out. if something is funny, i lose your interest before getting to the punch line, and if i am giddy, i think about the white picket fence and shabby chic curtains before catching your name...and that, is just the way that it is with me.  so, with each person having a different 63,000 thoughts a day...i think that it is okay to wonder of whose notions i cross, even of just a few...don't you?

not fair

this is the cutest thing i have ever seen...hey, i might not be a chef, but i'll look damn cute doin' it...

heart of the home

on any given day you can find me watching HGTV, looking up recipes that i will probably never cook, working an event or getting motivated to get to the gym... it is until late that all of these things are becoming a little more enjoyable. those on HGTV tell me the kitchen is the heart of the home and i think i finally know why...as far as all of those other things, there isn't much to add so let's leave it at that.
i would not want to be anywhere other than at home this weekend for dads big showing at the one and only Perk but due to my schedule and working some serious over time a simple good luck and have fun was all that i could offer. friends and family came together to enjoy each others company and with some anxiety, and tired mind it would have been a perfect escape. now, usually i would bum around the house, watch a sappy movie, take a bath and continue to count the hours of boredom with nothing on the to do list for the soul reason that if i couldn't be where i wanted to, i would be miserable.
with all of that in mind, if i couldn't be home...i was going to make norfolk feel like it, at least a little. so, for this lazy Sunday...chocolate chop scones, autumn granola, and pumpkin cookies. bring it on. this will a. give me something do, b. make the house smell like a home. and c. give me a great reason to brag. for some one who is no chef, but simply admires those who are and loves to learn, i thought the three things on the docket would be a good starting point. now, after a few hours, a little bit of a mess, some burnt raisins and not enough tupperware my mission was complete, and relatively successful. i'd say the scones were the best... its now evident that when feeling bummed, or missing that place you call home... a kitchen will surely do the job. its where food is made with love, and patience has to run deep. it makes any house feel like home, and immediately puts me in a mind set that "i can do this" and as a matter of fact, "i enjoy this"... 

Chocolate Chip Scones = delish.

Autumn Granola - pumpkin, nuts, spices, yum.

Pumpkin Cookies Prep!

under the influence

sometimes i wonder why people let others inhibit their way of life, or their thoughts..hell, even the way that they look or what they eat. these are the people in your life that try to impress or mimic the other...or on the other hand they are the people who are so influenced by others that they lose a sense of who they are and what they are all about. they get upset easily, and they reminisce too much. they struggle with history and maybe question things that normally they wouldn't...these people are impressionable, usually at a young age..but then again maybe not. they are the followers, not the leaders, but then again maybe not.
everyone has someone that they maybe look up to... that they aspire to be like in some way or another. maybe not in the whole sense, but it is someone who they would like to learn something from, maybe take away something from. maybe for you it is your father, or grandmother...for me its these people and more, because positive influence is never a bad thing...see, i have a friend of mine who is always on track with money. she is organized, and she cooks home cooked meals. she is "good people" in the words of my dad. she is admirable in the sense that she has a great "mom" vision and she has been a great person to look up to. she may not be old and wise but i have learned alot about paying bills, being semi - homemade as well as to be kind to those who i work around... in this sense i am okay with being impressionable. why wouldn't i be...she makes good impressions.
under the influence of someone on the flip side can be dangerous. this is for the people that are hooked on some one or something that does no good for them. they don't teach them how to balance a checkbook, or cook good dinners. they don't get along with your friends, and they sure as hell aren't your parents first picks for a significant other. they are the ones that give an edge or that change your favorite bands into theirs. they pull you to look into a lifestyle that was not your first pick... but for someone who is slightly impressionable... these things or people can be slightly hard to shake. they are usually good negotiators and hell, even fun to be around. they are trouble. so this brings me to the question; why can someone who is on the right track, who has big dreams and even bigger character be so easily placed under the influence of someone or something that does no good for them? someone who will bring them down, as well as others around them with no regard. why is the thought of jeopardizing all that is right in ones life worth the trouble of trying to make it all go away?
its like an addiction. an addiction that can, given the situation take years to break. in order to be "sober" from something like this it takes finding people who are influential in a good way. it takes being patient and it takes distance. it takes getting out of your own head for a while and getting back to what makes you whole...without that impressionable characteristic that got you in trouble in the first place. it is surrounding yourself with a lifestyle of substances that are not toxic. these are things like good friends, good family, solid morals and stronger standards. it is not trying to follow..but to lead, even if you're a leader by heart. it is not listening to whats hot, but hearing what is right, even if you thought you knew all along... its taking a leap of faith, even when you have missed a few steps prior, even if its a jump that is hard to make. it, at the end of the day is being the you that you would have been minus the influence of another.
so, don't act like an idiot if your not one, don't jump just because she did, and don't laugh if you don't think something is funny, because as i have found.. its always better to be you and be comfortable than trying to be some Cinderella just to wear a shoe that doesn't fit.

the things no one wants to admit

Regrets. everyone has them. i don't care you who are, you have regrets. if you say you don't you're lying...at least to yourself. whether they are big or small.. life altering or just one of those things. for some reason, i feel if i write mine out, and then the thoughts i have there after...i will accomplish something. #random, i know. so here goes nothing...

1. i regret i graduated early and missed my spring semester senior year at Carolina....however, i have a job.
2. i regret that i enhanced a tattoo that i got with my mom after hs...however, every time i look at my hip i think of her, and how all things in life change over time, kind of like our relationship..it has only gotten better and i still love her to the moon and back. i am nothing in this world, or universe even, without her. 
3. i regret that i did not sing more...however, i can still sing any day or night for no one but myself and still get the same amount of enjoyment.
4. i regret that i was not more involved with Kappa....however, i made some of the best girlfriends i could have ever been blessed with. Al, Em, Kate, Kait, and Jenna...i love you no matter the miles.
5. i regret that i didn't go out more on the weekends in college...however, staying in with my roommates gave me more memories to take with me than i ever would have had in nights i wouldn't remember anyway downtown.
6. i regret that i didn't speak my mind to a friend i lost a long time ago...however, a friendship will last forever.
7. i regret that i didn't/don't smile more...however, those who love me most know that a sense of sarcastic bitchiness is just who i am..take it, leave it or even love it.
8. i regret that i didn't spend more time with my brother while i was home...however, i now cherish the times we do have, and the memories we can make more than ever.
9. i regret that i never played golf...however, it is never to late to really start...for some reason i feel like i'd be damn good.
10. to be determined... as i know they'll be more, but if my howevers are as positive as what is above, i'm not in that bad of shape.


hmm, that felt good. well, goodnight.

history book

at only 23... there is still a lot of history there. there are a lot memories, there are tough times, there are even more laughs and there is an abundance of things in the middle. there are family, and there are friends, and of course, there are relationships... old and new. all of these things make up the person that i have become...and chances are, depending on what your timeline is...  you have a lot of history too. there are old boyfriends, there are laughs, there are childhood memories...some of which will put you right back in the yard you grew up in, wearing your favorite outfit, listening to your favorite song on repeat. it is things like this and all of the pages in the middle that make up who you are and who i have become.

personally, i have memories of growing up with close friends and family. memories that are so vivid i can picture what i was wearing, what i was listening to, who i was with, and how i felt in those moments. most of these put me back in silverdale pa, where that house was more of a home than i will ever have. it is the smells, it is the kitchen, it is the backyard and the trees. it is the bedroom and closets. it is by far where my childhood will stay. it is at 133 lawndale ave that my love affair of growing up will remain.


the middle years were full of friends, phonies and a whole lot of bullshit. it was sports, it was figuring it all out, and it was fast. it was tears and it was hardships...but i'll tell ya what, it made me who i am now, 23 years through the history book. i couldn't have been more proud of myself, or my family than i am today. anyone who is...no one, thinks they know what it was like to grow up in my shoes. and lucky enough for me, anyone who is everyone, knew how to prove what real family and friends are in times of need or total lack of trust. it is because of friends like the ones i don't even need to speak of that i am who i am today, and it is because of family like mine that i can hold my head up whenever shit gets rough. for any of those who don't have what i have, or have never learned what it is like to feel the support of those who matter... you'll never make it when times get tough...take it from me. allow me to thank you to those who mattered most. you know who you are. but an even bigger thanks goes to the ones that were the nastiest, the ones who hopefully today can look in the mirror and know their faults...because you, are the ones that made a decision to go 700 miles away the easiest and best decision i could have ever made. funny how things work out.


college, as i have mentioned before was full of laughs, beer, class, and chemistry. there are few that made their mark deeper than any one else has prior in the 23 years thus far... you know who are. some will be bridesmaids, some will be the ones that got loose, and some will be the ones who let it all slip away. it was fun while it lasted, and sure i'd go back..but i'd be a fool to wish it would have ended any other way. its been a ride, and time can fly...but i'll tell ya what... chemistry was never stronger than when it wasn't yours to be had, and when that is the case...you learn a alot of new things. you learn how to love... the real kind, you learn how to laugh, the real kind, you learn how to be stubborn, the tough kind, and you learn how to forgive, the forever kind. so it is to the few that didn't last..that i thank you, because hell... chemistry is great, but there is a reason why i never took that class.  and its because of ya'll that i am again, where i am today, 4 years later.


so as i sit miles removed from what has gotten me to this point so far, i look at my history book and think...there is actually a lot to read after only 23 years. [insert sigh of relief here] i shouldn't be so hard on myself as if i haven't accomplished much. its because of the pressure of what is next in life that keeps me from enjoying the present. i should try and realize that each person's text is a little different. a little more intense, or maybe slightly more lack luster... and hell, if i have learned anything along the way, it is not to judge a book by its cover, but to read what is in between the pages before you can truly judge at all. chances are, there is probably history there that you know nothing about.

some people have moved on and left it all behind, and some people are still there as if nothing has changed at all. no matter what chapter i go back to re-read, i know home will always be home, college will always be college, and the relationships made will always remain. i know i wouldn't want it any other way but, it is because of a history like mine that keeps me going back to everything in between. if one thing is true, history doesn't look that bad after second glance and remembering that in the moment could probably help ease the page break and start the next chapter with a smoother transition.

reading between the lines

i saw a sign that read "i'm the girl, you're the guy. if you don't text me first, we don't talk today" and unfortunately today...that is probably pretty true. sucks to be the guy eh?#sorryimnotsorry. i don't know if this is a recent phenomenon, or if women have always expected a little more than they would normally receive, or if they just want comfort knowing that he will eventually come around...in a world where texting is easier than calling and calling is easier than vid chatting, and writing is something only done to show sympathy, or provide a term of endearment to one who maybe is too old to appreciate anything otherwise, communication can be pretty overwhelming. if one thing is true, we all have been forced to get pretty good at reading in between the lines. we all have to re-read that last text and ask ourselves..."did she really just say that?" or, "did he mean what he just said?"...when really, he or she..didn't even say anything at all. we have removed, tone, voice inflection, breathing and sound altogether from our conversations, and are left to only assume how the other is interpreting our message...this in itself makes one get pretty damn good at reading in between the lines if you ask me.
i am a victim to the don't text, won't call syndrome. years ago i would have picked up, called and rang until someone, anyone, answered..where as today, i can send you a bbm, i can tell if you read it, and then i can consciously decide, well choose...if i am going to even try harder to continue the conversation that i wanted to have in the first place. usually, unfortunately enough by that time... i am usually too tired to even try...because honestly... chances are you saw my missed call, read my text and still chose not to respond... hence, again, reading in between the lines. communication is easier now than it has ever been before. well, in the literal sense. now a days, we are left to interpret someones non response, some ones slow delay, or someones ignorance... in the literal sense. 
people are able to find ways to communicate to others that they perhaps would never have had years or maybe decades ago. things like a blog make it easier to have an eye into ones personal life...for example, chances are when i "share" this post when i am done.. there are about 3 or so people i wish i'd never spoken to again, that read and know more about my life currently than i'd like them too...but..i have no control over that. communication in this form is a scary thing, but it is definitely something else. it is real, and it is un-censored. kind of the opposite of me, when i think about it...so now and then, i find myself at times thinking... hmm.. should i post this? hmmm, should i watch what i say? welp, fuck that.. and here is why (how is that for un-censored) 


we live in a world today where communication is not guarded, even though in some, if not most cases it should be. we are being watched by colleagues, professionals, and family just to name a few. there are a million and one ways to get in touch or speak to the person or persons you want to without even picking up the phone, or writing a letter. meanwhile, here, writing my thoughts in such a way that is stream of consciousness makes me feel a little closer and a little more in touch with the people that choose to take part in this little form of lonely chit chat, even though i may have no idea who really is peeking in at any given time...and for that, i thank the bloggers, the facebookers, the texters, and yes, even the letter writers. it is because of you that i am able to spit it all out, lay it all down, and get a little sleep at night... no matter how great the day, or how heavy the anxiety...because, after all...we all need to get better at reading in between the lines, especially today.

life before texting...

colors

Yesterday i got lost in the circus,
feeling like such a mess.
And now I'm down,
I'm just hanging on the corner.
I can't help but reminisce.

Cuz when you're gone,
all the colours fade.
When you're gone,
no new years day parade.
You're gone,
colours seem to fade.

Your mama called, she said,
that you're downstairs crying.
Feeling like such a mess.
Ya, i hear ya,
in the back ground balling.
What happened to your sweet summer time dress.

I know we all,
we all got our faults.
We get locked in our vaults,
and we stay..

When you're gone,
all the colours fade.
When you're gone,
no new years day parade.
You're gone,
colours seem to fade,
colours seem to fade. 

perfect for those types of days...

"you made entertainment happen"

once upon a time, Frank Roach who some of you may know said to me among other things of course ... "while we were being entertained, you made entertainment happen". this could not have been more true on a day like today. as a matter of fact, frank said this to me almost one year ago today as i was simply reminded of the why i do what i do yet again. today was the first day of Sesame Street Live "Elmo Makes Music" at the Constant Center. [Tickets on sale now at COXTix.com, at the Constant Center Box Office, or by calling 888-3-COXTIX. 6 shows! ] big things let me tell ya! now, this show although slightly sticky to handle throughout the months of the marketing campaign brings one great day of community relations. today was that day. today, i was blessed enough to take Elmo and Cookie Monster...yes people, ELMO and COOKIE MONSTER (the real ones) to the area's children's hospital.

this hospital specializes in cancer, surgery and general medicine. this hospital to me is something a little more special as its the only place that has reminded me not once, but twice of why i do what i do for a living. it is at this hospital where i make entertainment happen, while others are being entertained elsewhere around the world. 

at around 2 pm began the visit. hospital ground rules, isolation prep, and a scary reminder that some hospital floors are not "good places right now" as in, some children are not well enough to have happiness brought to their door, and for those i say a little prayer. elsewhere in the hospital, big things were set to happen. around 2:30 elmo took floor 7 and cookie floor 8. as we went door to door stopping for hugs, or blowing kisses children all under the age of 7 sat up with bed head, and tired eyes to let out even the slightest of smiles. which to me already meant, my job was done. 

now, for background info... these visits are not done for good PR in the business...they are done to grab peoples attention. we invite media and we hope TV shows up to shoot something heart warming, which then invites people to buy tickets... off the record and completely removed from my line of work.. i was thankful today it was just me, the little ones that were sick, and the characters. today... it was more special than tv cameras could capture... 

close to the end of the visit we stopped by a little boys room who was just previously notified he would be going home today. this is big news for obvious reasons, as those who are in CHKD are usually serious patients. so, as elmo crouched on his knees, and the boy who in isolation stood at his door way and waved, a nurse said..."tell elmo you are going home today!" in a matter of a breath, all 8 people; staff, nurses, doctor, parents and handler included cheered. "YAY! YOU ARE GOING HOME!" we all cheered... this little boy began to cover his mouth, and clap his hands full of excitement as mom hugged him to her shoulder closely. my life in that moment was perfect. i was made aware of what is important. made aware of the fact that not all of those children will get to go home. made aware of the fact that not all moms will be smiling and hugging their little one at the sight of big blue eyes lighting up and stomping feet of excitement. this was not entertainment. this was a blessing. this was god working in a way to tell me... continue to do this, because while other people are being entertained... you are making entertainment happen. you are bringing joy to those who may not be able to experience it, and you are changing peoples lives one character door visit at a time. today, was a good day. today, i am thankful that little man gets to go home, that the others were able to smile and forget about why they were there, and today i am hopeful that i can bring more entertainment to those who deserve it most...and between you and i... it doesn't always need to be about selling that last ticket, because sometimes... life comes first.

Donna - This one was for you. love you. xxoo.

Renewal

what is it about people and "renewal". renewing of vowels, contracts, naming rights, memberships... its all about renewal. there are incentive packages, there are parties planned, and there is a lot on the line for renewing just about everything in life.
in my business renewal is big in the spectrum of client relations, naming rights and whatever other business aspects you'd like to throw in the mix. sure, it is better to keep an existing client than find a new one... it is less expensive, it's easier, and well.. it is all about customer relationships.
as far as life is concerned... i have some issues with renewal. take 1. COX communications offers an inventive package for renewing... this package is teetering on the line of bullshit for the soul factor that as a continued customer..it has saved me approx 33 cents per bill. is that real life people? horrible.
in weddings, what is the point? why renew your vowels? don't you spend enough time, share enough memories and speak enough on the terms of your endearment through out the years of marriage that you have already had legalized once? why do it again? if it is for the party, that is great, but please.. scratch the ceremony. we don't need to see the alter lecture, or the kiss.. its been done, and really... if your love really is that strong, which i hope for all it is... wouldn't you want to keep it personal? cherish it for yourselves? and if you want a party, well hell.. throw a Superbowl bash.

on a bigger scheme of things renewal has alot of common with life and all that it encompasses. it allows for people to change their style, change their way of thinking. it allows them to find Jesus or reconnect with old friends. renewing is something that can bring good to alot of aspects of life as long as those who choose to renew something do it with an open heart and a sound mind. in my life id like to renew the friendships i have made in college, id like to renew my sense of travel... get out a little...shake my arms in the open air and let the wind grab my hair with the boy by my side down a windy road in the middle of fall... id like to renew my relationship and go back to right when we started...back to the fizz, to the butterflies. id like to renew my sense of patience..as sometimes it slips asleep, as well as my persistence as it can be hard to find when overshadowed by anxiety.
so as you may have currently seen with my efforts to renew my look, my hobbies, and whatever else comes along the way.. i can only hope that the next renewal period proves to be a little less forgiving.. a little more lenient and offer larger paybacks. we all want to renew something, even if its simply a thought, so best wishes on your trial period...and may the next period be full of better relationships, smaller contract terms, and lots of incentives.

about that...

Not 10 hours ago did i tell him that i need to go on a diet... 5lbs and it needs to stick. I need to cut out the carbs, well some of them, the sweets and only drink water. welp, that lasted approx 4 hours. shit.
Lunch:
Taste Unlimited - grilled chicken sandwich on french bread, diet coke and chips. oh, and a Reece's cup. fml.

working out daily is not quite at the level of it being considered "fun" but it is at the level where i have across many months seen slight results. i can on very random manner get my body motivated enough to actually sweat and leave the gym satisfied that something was better than nothing. now comes the hard part...maintenance. so...lets try this again... limit the sweets.. stick to unsweet tea, coffee and water and be mindful of the carbs. work out daily, minus the weekends if at all possible and remember to not push snooze more than 6 times on any given day of the week.

hopefully with a little patience, continued hard work in the mornings and eating restrictions throughout the day... as well as (random) maybe being able to grow my hair out this winter i'll start to enjoy the whole lifestyle change that we all try so hard to make ...and stick to it.

the lunch was worth it too btw.

create and cook

it was a slow day at work, and unfortunately when stuck at a desk one has to find other things to fill the time. Yesterday was full of that. http://www.pinterest.com/  - this damn site kept me printing, cutting, browsing, and inspired for hours. i urge you, especially the ladies who love to DIY, check it out. but, as a warning...leave plenty of time for yourself.
i found recipes, DIY projects, hair styles, quotes and the list continues for hours... literally, 8 full hours easy.
anyway, i have always loved the crafty chic way of putting things together, or wanted to be one of those people who could whip up an HGTV room in a day not spending more than 200 bucks through thrifty clever ideas... but, until now... i haven't even thought about attempting this shit.. because lets be honest nothing ever looks as good as when you see it done by someone else. usually effortlessly as well - which is always encouraging. not.
regardless, i have a season goal. annual goals don't work, idc what you say they don't so, i give you the seasonal goal; create and cook. a little inspiration for a new season will go a long way. it allows me to get a little excited about cooking something and seeing the reward, taking out the camera and enjoying some time alone, considering this is usually the case on most weeks. the diy crafts will come with time as i dont see the point in putting together clever wall art, wreaths or furniture ideas. i want a place to call my own before that can really take off, but when it does..watch out, and be jealous.
i look forward to this and hopefully it will get me through until the next phase of this little thing called life.
with an event season staring me in the face i find it slightly difficult to stay motivated, especially with the what's next on the tip of the brain, but hey... at least i have recipes to keep me busy. so bring on the utensils, the camera, the canvas and the paint because it seems like a right fit and after 10 years or so oogling while walking through Doylestown at all the things i'd love to be able to do...i mind as well start somewhere. So, thanks to this seasonal goal..and that damn website... i wish myself the best of luck.


by the way, i am off to a good start - pumpkin bread with choco chips last night was a success... next up; spinach chicken cheese bake, and maybe even a fun wall key hanger. picture to follow.. if i don't blow it ;)