Summer

summer time is one of those times of year where your skin shimmers, your heart can flutter and your mind can wander. it is a season that no matter where you are, what time it is or who you are with, inhibitions can be left to the wind, smiles are stronger and music is better heard loud. drinks are more delicious if they are frosted, and well, a starlit sky serves as the best blanket.

to me summer is all of these those and more. sure, i'd be a liar if i said summer was the only season that made me feel the ways i'm about to describe, but i will let you know that my feelings are a little brighter in this time of year... now that i live in florida, and summer is no longer a season but a way of life, i'm anxious to see what i can come up with.

as a little girl i remember my dad cutting the grass, coming in for an ice cold water (or beer) and standing in front of the sink looking out the window with grass filled sneakers (sorry mom). i remember running around in an over sized t shirt and wet hair after a warm bath with windows open and a breeze that was incredibly intoxicating. shortly after Full House, came bed time... but bed time in  the summertime was never a favorite. bed? when it was light out? what?! never!

as a teenager, my sweetest summer memories were had. it was working shifts at The Perk, followed by friend filled bonfires. it was hometown and as pure as summer could get. stress was something that could be easily wiped away after a run down 7th or a game under the bright lights. summer then was something that took no effort at all and simply stood still. the way a real summer should, well because... summer's, good ones, should never, and will never end.

next came college.. "the almost over summer". the i miss my friends from home, yet know what's best summer if you will, the "i'll remember that night forever" summer. and, looking back, it was one of the few i'll remember the most of. it was humid, and when working in "the dogs mouth of the south" you didn't expect anything less. full of hostessing shifts, southern boys, bow ties and lakes. it was an internship class and bar top drinking were always on the agenda. it was fast and it was necessary. summers in college were still but only if you wanted them to be, and well, fast enough if you could just hold on long enough to enjoy the ride. summer in college was short (too short)

i have found that summers are sweet, and will only be as still as you let it. summers now can be just the same as they were years ago if given the opportunity. so tonight, on the way home from work i snapped a mental picture of what was the perfect image of what summer should and could be. it was a silent campus. it was a setting sun and it was an empty parking lot. it was one car and a couple. they were leaning on one another and enjoying that perfect summer kiss. pure summer bliss.  so in my attempt to share that mental image, i got the response "we still have them babe :)" and well, that means there must be more summer dream scenes to come.

Today, when I think about summer... I listen, closely, to this... CLICK.

Second guess

Why do people second guess things? Not things like choosing one cereal over the other, or what to wear to work. I am talking the deeper stuff. The tricky stuff. Why do people feel the need to say what they think or feel... Tell it to the world and really shout it from a mountain....and then, as soon as the guts show ones mouth is zippered tight. Your face goes red and a numbness takes over. How is it that after ones experiences in life that they may have shared with another or learned from themselves they second guess a simple hello or a difficult goodbye? What is it in our souls, in the pits of our stomachs or the back of our minds that causes us to second guess.

It's a thought process and can be a stressful one at that. It can become a tiring mind game or a frustrating external battle. For one who always is in support of living in the moment or never knowing what is ahead and simply going for it, it only seems to be best in one moment. Ya know really go to say it all...put it all on the line. Only to be followed by a wondrous "should I, did I, would I".

Life is tricky and a mind can catch a heart off a beat. What one thinks may be best could easily be taken the wrong way by a unsteady heart. But to ones surprise a heart might not always be right and thinking with your head may just be what's best. So when there is no text back or there is an awkward silence, have the heart tell the head that it actually can be ok. It actually will work out. The heart doesn't always know best, but it sure does a good job making you second guess.

it's not the first time & it won't be the last.

ya know, sometimes i feel like a broken record so i automatically apologize. if you read every third one of these i am sure the message is the same. i don't want to whine, and i don't want to be the debbie downer. i don't want to seem like i am not thankful or that i am completely scattered...but well, i wouldn't have content if it weren't for the honesty that sometimes to a fault is what makes up a conscious mind. my mind.

23, and for arguments sake let's say 24. director of marketing with over, well lets just say over ALOT in student loan debt. a recent graduate with a degree in a niche field.  i have an apartment 1000 miles away from an amazing family and a perfect best friend, and I am 800 miles away from the only one who makes a house feel like a home. life is short, which is why..every third post...may seem a little draining or repetitive, however i try and change the message each and every time. i however, i know that it doesn't always work. why you ask? i among with many many other things, don't have that answer.

in the short time that i have graduated, i have lived in three states. PA to VA to FL. That is a lot of states, and that is a lot of boxes to move. it is a lot of hours on the phone, its a lot of pick me up cards and its even more wondering if you made the right move... my thoughts on that, surely scattered but true are below.

there are plenty of people that have picked up, moved to live with the ones they love or want to try and figure out if they love and give it the real shot that it may deserve. they have found a job that may be less than fulfilling professionally but allows for optimum personal success. (is that backwards?...oh well) their choices allow for first time apartment hunting, first time pet buying, cooking weekly dinners and plenty of casual date nights. it allows for family trip visits, and actual weeks of vacation. (as in more than 4 days...apparently that actually does exist in the real world) they are not living life on a work schedule and not working around hours to impress. they work 9-5, not 5-9. they are able to pay the bills and live within their means. they are able to attend significant milestones like an important gig, or an 80th birthday party. they are able to attend church on a daily basis strictly because they want too, not because they need it and they are thankful for all the little things in between. life in this aspect, is made up of the little things. the best things.

on a flip side, there are people that work their asses off, they pay their bills and they live on their own. they decorate and shop on the weekends to fill the time and they work out because they are bored. they look forward to weekends and months ahead because each day is simply a routine. these people are surrounded by ones they love, however those that support and love them are miles and miles away. they act on behalf of their head, and absolutely not their heart. they question life's plan and if it's me they feel guilty doing it. they are A type personalities, and stressed. but stressed and under slept make the best marketers, right? (...who cares)

I want the first (to a fault?), but have the second... so someone please tell me what that means? is personal fulfillment less important that the chance at professional success...and what does professional success for a woman really mean? do i want to run a company, and conquer the world?....no, sorry dad. and i'm even more sorry that i don't even want the half of that. i want to pay my bills and i want to love everything in between...but, i assume that is a little too much to ask.. at 24 anyway, it must be.

so i say with caution in the strongest sense, i am thankful for my success at a young age, it's been hard fucking work. its been countless tears and has included plenty of goodbyes and airport drop offs. its been unexpected deliveries for support and a best friend that is unwavering. it has been a crazy ride to the least. i can say that i am honored that i have the support from so many. but i am no closer to figuring this whole thing out than i was when i was a freshman in college...and well, that is an expensive four years to figure it out, and not have much to really show for it. (other than a few pounds, great friends and good memories. just simply missing that whole real point of school) and by that i mean REALLY show for it. sometimes unfortunately enough with that frog in the back of my throat i think about a recent Thanksgiving night. i remember my dad telling me his ambitions, his dreams... a small architectural company in Perkasie.. drawing, a true passion. he said no, and the hardest working man i know has a regret to this day. he says he tells people how proud he is of what i have become and where i will go... but in his gut he knows i'm less than thrilled..so tell me... if you don't see pressure, if you don't see how that can break his little girls heart,  i don't know what could be more clear. i would hate to have regrets, hate to feel less than fulfilled both professionally..and even more importantly personally and it is through quite reflections like that which keeps on repeating that quiet stream of thoughts...the kind that make you feel a little further from what and where you want to be.

but with a  heavy heart and a promising outlook i want the support of many, (which once again i thankfully have) and for that a strong mind and a steady foot is necessary... so tell me when to believe in something that there is actually something to hold on too which makes a little more sense than the 5-9 in ones current view finder. something not so dizzying and repetitive.

and with a deep breath and a lonely look left and and a hopeful look right, i anxiously wish that my heart will show just a little more strength and direction for what is "important" in life at a measly 23...wait wait, 24? guess it doesn't really matter eh?

so, how's that for content?

Mom's Day

It's Mother's Day here. I however, similarly to i'm sure plenty... am not with my mother. which honestly enough... sucks. Mother's Day is one of those days where family is the only thing that is important...and being together whether for the day, the morning, the afternoon or for just a quick hug is important. it's one of those days that tend to sting just a bit more when you are a short 1000 miles away.

My mom is one who makes a point to send a card, a smile and a hug whenever she can. she puts her family first...at times to a fault. she is genuine and loving... smart and sensitive. passionate and fun. i thank god that she is my mom..because after living on my own for a few years now, i would absolutely without a doubt not be here with out the support and unwavering "keep your head up" phone convos. there are things that my mom is so good at that i can only hope i will be the same... and well, it is all about the little things...and well, that is what makes a mom like mine so perfect.

so, i'm sorry i can't' be around on this beautiful Mother's Day. I will say this though... I love you Mom. The little things in life are never more true than with a Mom who has a heart of gold who makes them that way. A mom that remembers all those little things in life is what makes her special. What makes the bond unique. What makes me miss you every day. I love you! Happy Mom's Day. I would not be me with out you.

Manic Monday

Just another manic monday right?

sure, there are ups and there are certainly downs..because well, that's just how mondays are...and shortly after the blog post i'll be ready to say goodnight. one day down and one day closer to my wonderful weekend with momma..

but, the real reason to share is pretty simple...

almost two and a half years ago Joe picked me up from the airport. I was a senior in college and he was working at the center. it was long distance bliss. we had seen each other ever so often and when visits occurred, vacation wasn't ever really n e e d e d like it can be now a days. so anyway...winter break, i think? and it was a bumpy flight. Cola to ATL, ATL to PHL.. probably after a long layover or delay, because honestly, that's always my luck. i think i hopped off the plane in a thin long sleeve, jeans and flops. simply forgetting the fact that dorothy wasn't in kansas anymore...wait wait, i mean.. it wasn't 70 and sunny, and i wasn't in Cola any more. no, no... it was frigid and i could absolutely see my breath. although...i don't remember being all that cold, because well...i was about to jump off the plane and hop in a warm car, with an even warmer heart.

the pick up was sweet. simple, but sweet. and then came the hour and 10 minute (exactly) drive home... around Mcdade Blvd he reached behind my seat... i absolutely thought nothing of it... and to my surprise, a gift! an understated simple back box with a thin ribbon... very sexy wrapping if i do say so myself. i remember looking up and over at him and thinking, what in the hell!? this has absolutely NEVER happened before. shit, i got surprise gifts from my mom every once in a while, or a love filled note from my best friend..but a gift, from a boy, for nothing. i was instantly intrigued. slyly smirking i un-tied the ribbon, pulled open the tissue and to my surprise a cashmere sweater...yes, beautiful even though to this day i'm sure he thinks i thought otherwise...but, that wasn't the best part...

on the side was a little box. it was black. small white lettering with an emblem. a BR for Banana Republic... interested i slid open the case. a candle... now, here is the greatest part. that candle lasted me through college, through moving home, and through two years on my own. its scent was intoxicating, one that i have never ever been able to find again... it smelled like our relationship (in a symbolic way of course if you get what i am saying..) you see, it smelled like him and i in one...sure, sounds nuts but it was earthy yet scintillating and in that moment... it was the best moment i had ever shared with him, and quite honestly..ever have. it's the little things and on that note it was a beautiful start to a wonderful break.

so today, on this manic monday i stopped by target to grab some dinner.. well, because it was a total ben and jerry's pizza and a solo movie kind of night. on my way out i stopped by the decor (in typical sara fashion) and stumbled upon a candle...sure, not THE candle...but the exact. same. scent. i purchased it immediately. i bought it simply because it smelled just like that car ride home years back... and that is a perfect memory to hold on too if you ask me.

Black Orchid and Amber - Target

hypothetical

hypothetical. got it?

what makes you feel safe? you know, what makes you feel secure with who you are, what you do and how far you have come? is it your salary or your families praises? what about the boyfriend you have been with since the beginning of time or is it the hairdresser you have been going to because, well, you're a control freak and going somewhere else would be nuts. what about your job, is that what makes you feel safe?

there are so many variables in ones life that we have little to no control over, and it comes to down either trusting that what you have is good...enough. or, taking a leap of faith on just about, nothing that may be better. would it be smart to continue with the challenges you face on a daily basis and the questions that you have when you go to bed every night or.. is it taking a risk in the unknown, because with risk...comes reward. see example a.
example a;
work for the company you have been in order to meet ends meet, pay the bills and make sure that you are following through with what you had set out to do in college. ya know, what is expected of you. sure, you might be better off doing something else...but having the right amount of money in your pocket, the tasks that you are comfortable with and the policies that you can manage seem right. not to mention, that a jump of well, anything else would be...crazy. and by who's standards? your own. slightly ironic right?

and honestly, all of this is kind of funny to me.. i tend to admire those who marry young, are carefree, and who move at the drop of a "will you follow me?" I admire the availability, the open-ness and the drive. not the drive like i have..ya know to be successful, pay my bills, make my parents proud and support..well whoever and whatever i choose. but, the d r i v e to set out to do something different and to chase what is actually important. family, friends, love, laughter, memories made and aspirations. so at what age is it okay, and well acceptable to do such things... not be so safe, and well.. slip down a slippery slope, because well ...you've tried everything else on and it didn't fit just right? at what moment can you wake up, look up to the ceiling and realize you might not have it all figured out..but, you have the safe on your right, a window and sunshine on your left and an open agenda ahead. inciting if you ask me...but, then again, hypothetical at best.

southern comfort food

so there is this tumblr account that i stalk..http://throughhumbleeyes.tumblr.com and well, i am obsessed.

yes, i am from PA, but...my heart belongs in the south. after my first semester in SC i knew it was heaven on earth. exactly where i wanted to be. not just then, but now and tomorrow. the trees, the sway, the breeze. the people the style and of course the smiles. now... i am not kidding when i say this but it is an absolute love affair.

there is something about how the trees look, the brick glows and the white columns pop. there is something about how the food taste, the people pray and the alcohol stings. there is something about the friendships you make, the groups you can join and the efforts made ... all absolutely effortless.

i want to be there. SC... Charleston, Columbia and everywhere in between. sure, some people tell me.. "its different. you went to school there so it was fun, there was parities and people", but let me tell ya... they're wrong.   its just one of those things that hits you in life that makes you know exactly where you want to be and what you want to do. sure, not knowing all of those things all so clearly can be hectic, but at the option of living in sunny Charleston...i'd be happy living in a box. no seriously, a box. you put me on the battery, and hell...i'd sleep on a bench (well, maybe)

anyway... back to the blog. this girl...although i have never met her a day in my life is the epitome of southern. adπ, pearls and all. now, sure, with that being said.. i am a proud kappa, but as far as everything else...she has it goin' on and i love it. so in an effort to give a slight stranger shout out, and show a little southern hospitality. i give it props along with a friendly... i want to be you. i mean...who wouldn't want to be a a freshman at Carolina with a friendly boy...or two, a little tan and a hefty class and party schedule in front of you for the next four years...hell, i'd take it. so southern stranger... enjoy every fucking second. it goes fast.