creating a challenge

*previously written*

there is something about a challenge. something about that one thing that pushes you to do better, act better, think better and eventually just be better. when i think of a challenge i think about pushing myself to do things without cutting corners or taking the easy way out. sure, don't get me wrong, sometimes my workouts aren't as long as they could be and the outfits i throw on on a Saturday night aren't the most thought out but that's not really what i'm talking about it. and i like my mismatched sock look sometimes, so there!

i'd like my life to be full of challenges - the good kind (not the death, sadness, heartbreak kind) when there are challenges there are opportunities to prove to yourself that "you got this" or that can you persevere.  with challenges we are able to think more of our own capabilities, think more highly of ourselves - the way we deserve too. i also think that with challenges, comes less boredom. and i hate being bored. that isn't to say that challenges are the only way to not be bored however in terms of work, professionally i find that challenges sharpen the mind, allow the brain to tick and keep motivation at an all time high. without challenges, there comes serious lack of motivation and i hate that.

i can recall at a "challenging" time at work while opening a building i'd get in a 7am, leave at 10pm and then get up and do it all over again. every day. i had energy. i had guts. it was actually kinda thrilling. speaking of work, i also love those co-operative work places. the kind that evoke conversation, friendly hello's and literally marinate in positive energy. Roanoke had these and for some reason, they were addicting and the style of work done inside these places led people like me to be jealous. these people were setting their own schedules, kicking ass at the jobs that they created for themselves and all things considered, making a decent living while doing it. from digital advertising to event management and consultation work, those jobs were stable and seemed challenging enough to allow someone to achieve dreams, not able to be done within the 9-5am framework. it seemed like a win win. maybe to me that is why creative marketing agency work, event management and freelance public relation or consulting work is so attractive. building a brand, creating a name and therefore challenging yourself to be better each and every day to succeed sounds like the perfect motivational piece missing from someone who sits behind a desk and daydreams about what else could be more fulfilling.

but is that really life? is that doable? sure, it absolutely is however, realistically i have to assume that these people do not have student loans, do not have debt and do not live in expensive apartments (because there is no other option) These people are able to approach the challenge at hand with full force and open arms. that part is important. open arm approach for challenges is intimidating for someone like me who feels restrained by the daily inconveniences called life. for example, i can't quit a job, take a few photography classes and start a company - that to me seems impossible, not just challenging. i can't start a marketing consulting business just because people have done it before and others say i'd be great at it. life, to me, doesn't work that way. i can't just go back to school and further my degree because, well, that costs money - and cheap or not, those loans on top of what i currently pay is enough to make me literally lose my mind no matter what state south of the mason Dixon line i decided to live in.

so sure, i need to create challenges in an effort to rid myself of the lachrymose feeling that is had when the cyclical feeling of life settles in. but how at 27 does one get to have what they know they want in the future, but also get what they think they need now?

31 years

Today is my parents wedding anniversary and they have been married for 31 years. So before the rest of the mush, it's important to say, Happy Anniversary and I love you both. xxoo.

When I stop and think about it, 31 years is a very long time and as i type this with a new sparkly diamond on my left hand, i can't say that I'm not impressed. After 6 years of dating, Joe and I are about to 'start all over' and as exciting as that is, its also a little nuts. It is nuts to think that out of any others, we have decided to commit ourselves to each other just as my parents did 31 years ago through the good times and harder yet, the knock down, drag out bad times. I am not the authority on relationships or marriages, however I do know that as I am about to embark on my own personal marriage journey, I have to give thanks to the two who through their own love story, taught me what a marriage is all about.

Just like many, my parents have absolutely fought, they have yelled, they have shed tears and I can bet that they may have wanted to walk away from it all on more than a one occasion but... they never did. And on the flip side, I've seen my parents experience loss, laugh like hell and continue to grow as a couple every single year. My parents have been married for a long time, and have also by my age, already had me. Hell, it seems like most parents back then while still trying to figure out who they were as individuals, where also now responsible for molding a new family too and if that isn't pressure, i don't know what is.

Thankfully, I have childhood memories that i will always cherish and i completely contribute to my parents. Holiday traditions, birthdays, after school snacks, family dinners, bath time, soccer games, weekend shenanigans with family friends and everything in between would not be the same if it weren't for my mom and dad working their asses off behind the scenes. As i get older, I can appreciate how much work it must have been to have dinners prepared, pay the bills on time, make sure the house is clean and on top of all of that, not want to take out all life's frustrations on the other person who's simply just trying to make it work too.

My parents have made it clear that they are a team. my dad is fiercely supportive of my mom and my mom bends over backwards to make it all just work for my dad, no matter what her own personal views on something may be. they love each other unconditionally, yet still allow the other to be true to themselves. They know what makes the other tick, and after 31 years, I've found that sometimes that could actually get tougher with time instead of easier.

i could pull up video hundreds tapes of my brother and I growing up and see the two people, my age, in the background smiling or laughing with the other, creating memories that I'm sure they will cherish for a lifetime. as life goes on and we all grow up, the fact that my parents are still there supporting one another, laughing and experiencing all that this life has to offer together is completely inspiring.

There's a quote that i recently stumbled upon that read "i want a marriage more beautiful than my wedding" and it has never meant more than it does today. As we work through hectic planning and exciting deadlines, i realize that it is more important than ever to build a marriage, not just a special day, and it is because of the examples of the people behind us that make that possible. Sure, no one says it will be easy, in fact, most will probably tell us that it's going to be hard but if my parents can keep it together for 31 years, and make it look that good...i am pretty damn excited for what is yet to come.

a journal

THIS

elite daily is the perfect Rx for those i need something mindless to do for a little while mornings or late nights. i could get lost on that site for hours. between the stories about relationship horrors, healthy eating habits or what not to do on your first date, it is stories like THAT which keep me coming back for more. 

this blog has proved to be a challenge for me. i am tempted to share the gushy stuff, the stuff that i actually don't want too, or maybe just shouldn't say out loud. i have posts typed, ready to publish and in that moment i quickly just push save and shove them back on the draft list. this blog has in many instances has become a journal. the thing about that though? people don't usually read your journal... well, except in Bridesmaids.  i'm not a journalist, and i'm not Carrie Bradshaw. i'm not paid per click or given incentives on how many comments or shares. so... in an attempt to not give others the opportunity to judge or even think too much about my own thoughts, opinions or sometimes negative attitude about things i simply just don't share. these instances are usually obvious when i go months without writing, posting or sharing a single thought. i have yet to find comfort in being able to type out my anxious thoughts, spill my guts and then not care who will know how i feel about this, that or the other thing. and honestly, what is the fun in that? 

in a world where more people are looking down at their phones than in front of them, its blogs like these, electronic journals or person outlets that take just one person to read and relate to for things to go viral. so those 10 people that maybe check back in every now and then to see what guts you've spilled lately could turn into twenty, hundreds, or even thousands. now, i'm not saying by any means that something i have to say is worth even one single share...and trust me... i don't even want that because for me it's not about how many followers or how many posts i can publish in a week, but more so getting myself to step outside myself and relate to what i've just typed. does that even make sense?

the reason that i referred to the elite daily post is because it's raw and honest without point fingers or placing blame. it challenges the mind and makes you think of your own life, not just about the life of the person typing behind the screen. if i could do that...chances are I wouldn't have as many drafts. i don't know the chick that wrote it and if i did, that may have changed everything but because i don't, i can relate on a level that is simple, pure and like i said before, raw. it's almost like a song that just simply resonates with you more than others or how some memories just stick...ironically enough not usually the ones you wish did. that post of hers is relate-able on multiple levels. i think everyone is either a cynic or an optimist. sure, i would certainly prefer to use the world realist maybe even pessimist but cynic is just a synonym for the dirty truth that those who chose the latter tend to struggle with a little bit more than others...usually by choice...wait what? never mind. (it's not like people want to choose to struggle - get it?)

but now, are cynics truly luckier? or is there a difference between the person like myself who doesn't want to be that negative bitch but just naturally tends to be more of well, lets just say a realist. i know i'm indecisive about the real personal stuff and for some that can be interpreted as emotionally unavailable or unable to commit. but see... it doesn't really mean that... or does it? i've met people on both sides of the fence. some i know very very well and others just knew for a short time but regardless, each person can identify a clear direction in life no matter their position on "happiness". i'm still not entirely sure what being one or the other means for long-term personal success but i'm doing my damn best to figure it out ...without going crazy or even worse, completely jaded. 

back 'home' for a few days

We know where we want to be, but for some reason, no matter what we tell ourselves ... we just can't seem to get there soon enough. i'm reminded that we don't have to have it all figured out and we certainly don't have to have the house with the white fence and cute decorations and monogrammed bath towels with the palm tree in the front yard. sure, we don't need all of those things but what we do need, is the south. period.

For what it is worth many people may come to the conclusion that we wish we were in college again and just want to continue "the dream" and that being back post-grad just isn't the same. well, you're wrong. being back for me isn't about the bars, the late nights, the awesome football atmosphere or the sense of familiarity of a place that for me was the only real 'home' I had other than in PA. 4 years for me is a long time right about now and moving on from that just isn't something my gut can give up. It's about the people, the breeze, the views and the lifestyle. It's about the sense of community and the constantly changing energy that comes with new kids just waiting to fall in love with it just like I did.

Pulling across state lines when driving into the south makes my giddy. it makes me roll down the windows, stick my head out and take in a deep breath and probably crank on some classic Hootie or a little Tom Petty. Flying into our gate in the south gives me jitters. It gives me that "do I ever have to leave?" thought bubble. But it's the driving on back roads and walking on old sidewalks that really gets me. embarrassingly enough (or not) my eyes water and all i can do is look around. I won't even tell you the sappy scene that Joe and I display when standing in Williams Brice during the entrance. It's almost pitiful, but boy how amazing is it to have something like that in our lives that makes us so emotional. now that's bliss.

Joe and I headed back 'home' this past weekend to see the fighting gamecocks take on Mizz. Let's not talk about that part... Anyway, we left for the airport Thursday and didn't look back once. I will say flying with a travel buddy sure makes a difference. We started off with a cold beer and a little food and then headed into our gate to board. We were on our way. finally.

Upon arriving to the airport to meet up with Rob, Sean and Geoff we were greeted by a black mustang rental (turned out to be a huge fail) and took to finding a bar that was open for food late night. Oh Carolina Ale House, we love you. Cheers! Around 2 am... we were bed bound. Friday brought nostalgic memories of driving around town, seeing old friends and plenty of laughs and those "i never want to leave" thoughts. Friday was a great day. And then, gameday. Literally. Unfortunately, my bed was just as great at that time but before we knew it we were parked and ready to wait for the big game.
quite honestly the rest is just in the details of the what we did, when we did it, what we ate and how it tasted. but then, we got to Sunday. moving day. moving days are never fun... whether you're at  home for the weekend and heading back to work on Monday or you're finishing up a week long vacation. moving days suck. to make it suck even more (or less depending on how you figure it) we stopped at the horseshoe. the south's very best historic campus attraction. pure southern bliss. no doubt. i found myself wandering. tripping on the bricks and in awe of the scene. you won't understand what it's like if you've never been and if you've never been, i can only hope there is a place in your life that makes you feel the way that the horseshoe makes me and Joe feel. its pure, pure bliss.

it's always good to go 'home'. we miss it. but, like we say every time... we will get there. just be patient. in the meantime - "I'm gone to Carolina in mahhh mind".

same car ride, very different feel

No one should ever have to "play God". Coming to the resolution on when is the right time to let go of something or someone you love shouldn't be a burden anyone should have to feel responsible for. However unfortunately, what i think should or shouldn't be the case doesn't really matter. This past weekend, my family and i played God and at 12:40 pm on Saturday afternoon, we made a gut wrenching call i dread to ever have to make again.

I'll never forget being in 5th (maybe 6th) grade and driving to central PA to pick up our puppy, who at that time was still name-less. We pulled up to an average single garage home... the kind that had a split living floor plan, knocked on the glass front door, took off our shoes in the foyer and walked up the steps to the living area. As a little girl, the whole thing was a little strange, but ultimately i knew that i'd be leaving that person's house with a new puppy so the awkwardness of hanging out in a strangers home quickly faded. After a few words we were led outside to meet the little man himself, his litter mates and his parents. From what I remember, there weren't too many left to chose from and our puppy had already been decided on.

As we wrapped up the buying process, i quickly scurried into the back seat of the car.... the driver side, behind my dad.

i think it was fall, and i'm fairly certain my puffy hunter green jacket zipper was cutting into my neck, which was usually something i'd complain about, however after i was buckled in and not caring about the zipper, mom handed me our puppy. still nameless.

there we were...a family with a new little canine addition, talk about a thrilling ride home! for about an hour we sat and brainstormed when finally, after my mind racing and recalling a movie i had seen not too long prior, Simon was decided upon, as in Simon Birch. (great movie) it was a perfect fit, and in that moment he became "my dog". i felt on top of the world. Promptly after the name was all straightened out, our little family immediately began reciting "heda good boyyy" and the "simon's a good boy! he is a good boy, he really is, he really is, he really's a good boyy" song.... he. loved. it.

i'll never forget that ride home. i remember my mom turning around, smiling and petting his little body. my parents were lively and excited...we all were! he was adorable...our own mini lassie and everything i could have ever wanted in a family addition.

as time went on and life happened, there was always the constant of one another...and Simon. throughout the past 17 years of Simon's existence, i moved, i made childhood memories, i argued with my parents, i stayed out late with friends, i made it out of high school alive, i picked out a college, i left home and i honestly, never ever really looked back. every single thing i know of my childhood was wrapped up in that little dog and all of a sudden, it was gone.

Simon, our shetland sheepdog, our family pet, the alpha male, our 'heda good boy', "my" dog, was put to sleep on Saturday at an appointment set for 12:40. i'll never forget being 25 and picking him up, slowly carrying him down the steps of our home and getting into the back seat of the car. the drivers side, behind my dad. my brother to the right and my mom in the front. this time.... it wasn't as thrilling. this time, with tears in all of our eyes, and my mom still looking back and petting his tired body, i held him as he shook. almost 20 years later, as a family, we took Simon to be put to sleep and as the little girl who held him on the drive home as a puppy, i held him until i couldn't any more.

sure, sometimes difficult decisions have to be made that no one wants to hold as their own. that's the man up stairs role, right? sometimes, those decisions make it hard to sleep, make your stomach sink or make your eyes well up with tears. this weekend, the decision to come home and as a family, put Simon to sleep was made and we were the ones that sealed our own mini lassie's fate. I think as human beings we tend to do things selfishly. we want to keep the people, the animals or the things we love alive for as long as possible. we want to wish all the hurt and heartache away and pretend that tomorrow is a new day, that next week will be better and well, it will all just go away with no difficult decisions needed. i think this is a selfish tendency that loving family members tend to make and what we have to remember is that sometimes the most difficult decisions are what is best. for Simon, being together as a family and taking him to leave this world just as we brought him into it, was what was best.

for me, i know that at 17 years old, dogs get old and just like people, the things we love in life can't be kept around forever. for me, my dog was an important symbol of my childhood and closing that chapter stings. for me, taking Simon's collar off and holding it tight represents much more than putting my dog to sleep. for me, it in some way represents that i'm not that little girl bringing her puppy home or that my bedroom at "home" isn't as I left it and that my parents aren't as young or my brother as tiny. for me, it's that my childhood as a chapter in "my book" just turned a page and what i have left is a faded red metal name tag heart with the engraving "Simon" on it.

A few days later it hangs on my bedroom mirror. It's not just a playful reminder of my practically perfectly behaved first dog, but that as a family i have made incredible childhood memories and sometimes, difficult decisions have to be made. however, experiencing things like that as a family reminds you to make the next chapter just as, if not more memorable than the last.

"heda good boyyyy"

give it back

It clicked! I love when that happens! yep, no better feeling...i usually couldn't tell you at what specific moments the meanings of things click for me but this morning on my drive into work, i absolutely can. as most know by now, i can't go anywhere without my music on, usually too loud. this morning was no different. i had been up for a good solid 2 hours with an incredibly sweaty workout behind me and was heading into work a bit early (perfect timing for a stop at Starbucks) when i sat at a light prior to turning left onto the highway. and then... it clicked. I was already a minute and three seconds into the song but at that moment, with the sun in my eyes and the windows down, i had to start it over.

Eric Church's "Give Me Back My Hometown" is a pretty catchy song. that's probably why for first 900 times I had listened to it as either background music, a pre-game jam or just time filler on the treadmill it made no difference, but this morning... something was very different. so for what it's worth, i encourage you to take a listen... closely. try your damnedest to make it relate-able. i guess for me this morning...it was just that.

"You can have my grandma's locket
The knife out of my grandpa's pocket
Yeah my state champion jacket
I don't care you can have it
Every made memory
Every picture, every broken dream
Yeah everything, everything, everything

Give me back my hometown
'Cause this is my hometown
Yeah, yeah, ooohh, yeah, yeah"

there's something about a hometown. you feel like you own it, you run the town. you're the guy or girl that calls the shots and knows every nook and cranny through the streets. the place makes you proud to be part of it's history. you know where the cops sit, where the best places to catch a sunrise are and you know what roads to run on better than anybody. and honestly, that's just the beginning.

it's yours, right?

but see, that's not necessarily what makes it a home and to be honest, that's why when someones says to "give it back" it can mean pretty powerful stuff. for me, i look at a few places as "home". Perkasie for sure, Columbia without a doubt and well, Roanoke. but i get it...all of those aren't really "mine"... they are places full of memories and yet that's what pulls on the heart strings... that's what makes them a home. so for a song like "give me back my hometown", it speaks volumes.

i think that at any moment, your "hometown" can change. people come and go and can leave a mark on what you thought was yours, therefore tarnishing what you may have thought you had. and as a matter of fact, it gets into your bones and how to shake it, i haven't found just yet. i think the way you look at your hometown changes based on the relationships you build and the memories you make. sometimes when real life love or laughter or even heartbreaks happen, it makes the coffee shops taste different, the street lights invoke those "a different place and time" thoughts, the big bright lights at the hometown football field look a bit dimmer, and the back roads you called 'home' remind you of the flood of memories that you may have made right in those same spots previously. i think that's why i love going back to south carolina... the way five points looks before 7am, or how the dew on the lawns along my run route in perkasie are unlike any other, and as for roanoke, i compare every single cup of coffee i drink to the ones i enjoyed at CUPS. I have made memories in other peoples' actual "hometowns" and that for some, like that from the point of view in this song, doesn't sit too well with others.

However, the question i have is can the memories you keep of a place you call home, truly be stolen? Does what you think is yours, not actually belong to them as well?

so perhaps for me, that is what is exciting about experience new cities and states... there are no memories yet. neither good, gutsy, bold or bad. there's nothing that ties you to a specific time which in your mind, can stand still forever. and perhaps for others, a line like "you're in every scene" is what makes a song like 'give me back my hometown' reign so true.

#youwinamherst

the internet is a weird place. you write it, it stays. forever. therefore, be wary. i'd love to offer that opinion like most adults would to the "#selfiegeneration" but, they'll learn eventually when they try and run for office, or get that dream job... womp womp.  good luck, kids.  

for me, what that means is that usually blog posts are perhaps a little guarded or reserved. usually. it's different than lets say, writing music... you can write your damn soul out in a song about the love of your life and someone listening may interpret it for singing about the crappy day you had. it's tricky. Dave Grohl actually said "that's one of the great things about music. you can sing a song to 85,000 people and they will sing it back for 85,000 different reasons." 

so for today, the first post since the big move...we'll follow suit. 

here we are, Amherst, Massachusetts. and yes, the H is silent, and yes, I've been corrected....twice. soooooo there's that. it's incredibly liberal. as a matter of fact, Amherst consistently ranks as one of the most progressively liberal regions of the United States, due in large part to five colleges within the area. The Amherst-Northampton region is known as the "Happy Valley" or "Pioneer Valley" due to the art and music communities, progressive ideas, prestigious colleges, and large student population. I tend to think that the liberal-ism that is this area comes from so many college students trying to figure it all out while utilizing that dramatic energy to throw inhibitions to the wind, get away with wearing tie dye, not caring to look when crossing the street and only showering every other day...because after all --- YOLO right? again, good luck kids. this place has a plethora of restaurants, coffee shops, ice cream parlors (yum), bars, local shopping, organic food spots and a killer vibe. i appreciate the beautiful architecture that surrounds the area - it's got a little bit of southern flair which I absolutely adore. HUGE homes on beautiful green lots with perfectly manicured lawns and hydrangea bushes. beautiful. there seems to be a ton of good spots to just get lost in the day... i love that and look forward to trying a few of them out myself.  as for the driving here...terrible. joe is convinced it's because the lights within close distance to one another don't sync. i'm convinced it's because people are clueless and there literally are no lines on the road to separate the lanes. regardless, texting and driving is literally impossible here (happy to hear mom? ;)) and if i don't hit someone walking across the rainbow colored crosswalks during our time here... it will be a miracle. seriously. 

now, i can't say i wasn't anxious, overwhelmed or a little bit torn about leaving Roanoke. and trust me when i say that i know that makes some a little or a lot confused but... i know that it's going to be okay. quite simply, i just want to breathe. to be. to smell the new england air and then shake it all out. there is so much to look forward to and so much to be excited about and i know i am where i should be. it's a new job (and yes, the first day in town I landed a gig - insert big pat on my own back - incase you want to know and didn't ask --- Marketing and PR Manager for the Greater Springfield Convention and Visitors Bureau which ultimately drives economic development to Western Mass through travel, leisure and tourism), it's obviously a new city, it's a new apartment, it's a new commute and new street signs, new grocery stores, and everything in between. it's pretty much new everything and sometimes it's just simply overwhelming. however, i love my constants, my crew, my little family here and i know that i have people that love and support me through their own ways of showing it. so, please be patient with me. listen, love and laugh with me.

now, all i have to do is take a step back, get a little bit out of my own head and be still.  not only that, but be in control of my own positivity and how i feel about love, life, and everything in between.  i can't change how people act or the things that they do or do not say but i can control how i feel or react to them. that's a little reminder i need to keep close. because hell, life does move pretty fast, if you let it...so why not control the ride.  i'm pretty sure i've said it before but, i'd prefer mine with the windows down, hair blowing, and the music loud... however, i will say, on the back streets around this place, it's gonna be a beautiful drive.