a journal

THIS

elite daily is the perfect Rx for those i need something mindless to do for a little while mornings or late nights. i could get lost on that site for hours. between the stories about relationship horrors, healthy eating habits or what not to do on your first date, it is stories like THAT which keep me coming back for more. 

this blog has proved to be a challenge for me. i am tempted to share the gushy stuff, the stuff that i actually don't want too, or maybe just shouldn't say out loud. i have posts typed, ready to publish and in that moment i quickly just push save and shove them back on the draft list. this blog has in many instances has become a journal. the thing about that though? people don't usually read your journal... well, except in Bridesmaids.  i'm not a journalist, and i'm not Carrie Bradshaw. i'm not paid per click or given incentives on how many comments or shares. so... in an attempt to not give others the opportunity to judge or even think too much about my own thoughts, opinions or sometimes negative attitude about things i simply just don't share. these instances are usually obvious when i go months without writing, posting or sharing a single thought. i have yet to find comfort in being able to type out my anxious thoughts, spill my guts and then not care who will know how i feel about this, that or the other thing. and honestly, what is the fun in that? 

in a world where more people are looking down at their phones than in front of them, its blogs like these, electronic journals or person outlets that take just one person to read and relate to for things to go viral. so those 10 people that maybe check back in every now and then to see what guts you've spilled lately could turn into twenty, hundreds, or even thousands. now, i'm not saying by any means that something i have to say is worth even one single share...and trust me... i don't even want that because for me it's not about how many followers or how many posts i can publish in a week, but more so getting myself to step outside myself and relate to what i've just typed. does that even make sense?

the reason that i referred to the elite daily post is because it's raw and honest without point fingers or placing blame. it challenges the mind and makes you think of your own life, not just about the life of the person typing behind the screen. if i could do that...chances are I wouldn't have as many drafts. i don't know the chick that wrote it and if i did, that may have changed everything but because i don't, i can relate on a level that is simple, pure and like i said before, raw. it's almost like a song that just simply resonates with you more than others or how some memories just stick...ironically enough not usually the ones you wish did. that post of hers is relate-able on multiple levels. i think everyone is either a cynic or an optimist. sure, i would certainly prefer to use the world realist maybe even pessimist but cynic is just a synonym for the dirty truth that those who chose the latter tend to struggle with a little bit more than others...usually by choice...wait what? never mind. (it's not like people want to choose to struggle - get it?)

but now, are cynics truly luckier? or is there a difference between the person like myself who doesn't want to be that negative bitch but just naturally tends to be more of well, lets just say a realist. i know i'm indecisive about the real personal stuff and for some that can be interpreted as emotionally unavailable or unable to commit. but see... it doesn't really mean that... or does it? i've met people on both sides of the fence. some i know very very well and others just knew for a short time but regardless, each person can identify a clear direction in life no matter their position on "happiness". i'm still not entirely sure what being one or the other means for long-term personal success but i'm doing my damn best to figure it out ...without going crazy or even worse, completely jaded.