a journal

THIS

elite daily is the perfect Rx for those i need something mindless to do for a little while mornings or late nights. i could get lost on that site for hours. between the stories about relationship horrors, healthy eating habits or what not to do on your first date, it is stories like THAT which keep me coming back for more. 

this blog has proved to be a challenge for me. i am tempted to share the gushy stuff, the stuff that i actually don't want too, or maybe just shouldn't say out loud. i have posts typed, ready to publish and in that moment i quickly just push save and shove them back on the draft list. this blog has in many instances has become a journal. the thing about that though? people don't usually read your journal... well, except in Bridesmaids.  i'm not a journalist, and i'm not Carrie Bradshaw. i'm not paid per click or given incentives on how many comments or shares. so... in an attempt to not give others the opportunity to judge or even think too much about my own thoughts, opinions or sometimes negative attitude about things i simply just don't share. these instances are usually obvious when i go months without writing, posting or sharing a single thought. i have yet to find comfort in being able to type out my anxious thoughts, spill my guts and then not care who will know how i feel about this, that or the other thing. and honestly, what is the fun in that? 

in a world where more people are looking down at their phones than in front of them, its blogs like these, electronic journals or person outlets that take just one person to read and relate to for things to go viral. so those 10 people that maybe check back in every now and then to see what guts you've spilled lately could turn into twenty, hundreds, or even thousands. now, i'm not saying by any means that something i have to say is worth even one single share...and trust me... i don't even want that because for me it's not about how many followers or how many posts i can publish in a week, but more so getting myself to step outside myself and relate to what i've just typed. does that even make sense?

the reason that i referred to the elite daily post is because it's raw and honest without point fingers or placing blame. it challenges the mind and makes you think of your own life, not just about the life of the person typing behind the screen. if i could do that...chances are I wouldn't have as many drafts. i don't know the chick that wrote it and if i did, that may have changed everything but because i don't, i can relate on a level that is simple, pure and like i said before, raw. it's almost like a song that just simply resonates with you more than others or how some memories just stick...ironically enough not usually the ones you wish did. that post of hers is relate-able on multiple levels. i think everyone is either a cynic or an optimist. sure, i would certainly prefer to use the world realist maybe even pessimist but cynic is just a synonym for the dirty truth that those who chose the latter tend to struggle with a little bit more than others...usually by choice...wait what? never mind. (it's not like people want to choose to struggle - get it?)

but now, are cynics truly luckier? or is there a difference between the person like myself who doesn't want to be that negative bitch but just naturally tends to be more of well, lets just say a realist. i know i'm indecisive about the real personal stuff and for some that can be interpreted as emotionally unavailable or unable to commit. but see... it doesn't really mean that... or does it? i've met people on both sides of the fence. some i know very very well and others just knew for a short time but regardless, each person can identify a clear direction in life no matter their position on "happiness". i'm still not entirely sure what being one or the other means for long-term personal success but i'm doing my damn best to figure it out ...without going crazy or even worse, completely jaded. 

back 'home' for a few days

We know where we want to be, but for some reason, no matter what we tell ourselves ... we just can't seem to get there soon enough. i'm reminded that we don't have to have it all figured out and we certainly don't have to have the house with the white fence and cute decorations and monogrammed bath towels with the palm tree in the front yard. sure, we don't need all of those things but what we do need, is the south. period.

For what it is worth many people may come to the conclusion that we wish we were in college again and just want to continue "the dream" and that being back post-grad just isn't the same. well, you're wrong. being back for me isn't about the bars, the late nights, the awesome football atmosphere or the sense of familiarity of a place that for me was the only real 'home' I had other than in PA. 4 years for me is a long time right about now and moving on from that just isn't something my gut can give up. It's about the people, the breeze, the views and the lifestyle. It's about the sense of community and the constantly changing energy that comes with new kids just waiting to fall in love with it just like I did.

Pulling across state lines when driving into the south makes my giddy. it makes me roll down the windows, stick my head out and take in a deep breath and probably crank on some classic Hootie or a little Tom Petty. Flying into our gate in the south gives me jitters. It gives me that "do I ever have to leave?" thought bubble. But it's the driving on back roads and walking on old sidewalks that really gets me. embarrassingly enough (or not) my eyes water and all i can do is look around. I won't even tell you the sappy scene that Joe and I display when standing in Williams Brice during the entrance. It's almost pitiful, but boy how amazing is it to have something like that in our lives that makes us so emotional. now that's bliss.

Joe and I headed back 'home' this past weekend to see the fighting gamecocks take on Mizz. Let's not talk about that part... Anyway, we left for the airport Thursday and didn't look back once. I will say flying with a travel buddy sure makes a difference. We started off with a cold beer and a little food and then headed into our gate to board. We were on our way. finally.

Upon arriving to the airport to meet up with Rob, Sean and Geoff we were greeted by a black mustang rental (turned out to be a huge fail) and took to finding a bar that was open for food late night. Oh Carolina Ale House, we love you. Cheers! Around 2 am... we were bed bound. Friday brought nostalgic memories of driving around town, seeing old friends and plenty of laughs and those "i never want to leave" thoughts. Friday was a great day. And then, gameday. Literally. Unfortunately, my bed was just as great at that time but before we knew it we were parked and ready to wait for the big game.
quite honestly the rest is just in the details of the what we did, when we did it, what we ate and how it tasted. but then, we got to Sunday. moving day. moving days are never fun... whether you're at  home for the weekend and heading back to work on Monday or you're finishing up a week long vacation. moving days suck. to make it suck even more (or less depending on how you figure it) we stopped at the horseshoe. the south's very best historic campus attraction. pure southern bliss. no doubt. i found myself wandering. tripping on the bricks and in awe of the scene. you won't understand what it's like if you've never been and if you've never been, i can only hope there is a place in your life that makes you feel the way that the horseshoe makes me and Joe feel. its pure, pure bliss.

it's always good to go 'home'. we miss it. but, like we say every time... we will get there. just be patient. in the meantime - "I'm gone to Carolina in mahhh mind".

same car ride, very different feel

No one should ever have to "play God". Coming to the resolution on when is the right time to let go of something or someone you love shouldn't be a burden anyone should have to feel responsible for. However unfortunately, what i think should or shouldn't be the case doesn't really matter. This past weekend, my family and i played God and at 12:40 pm on Saturday afternoon, we made a gut wrenching call i dread to ever have to make again.

I'll never forget being in 5th (maybe 6th) grade and driving to central PA to pick up our puppy, who at that time was still name-less. We pulled up to an average single garage home... the kind that had a split living floor plan, knocked on the glass front door, took off our shoes in the foyer and walked up the steps to the living area. As a little girl, the whole thing was a little strange, but ultimately i knew that i'd be leaving that person's house with a new puppy so the awkwardness of hanging out in a strangers home quickly faded. After a few words we were led outside to meet the little man himself, his litter mates and his parents. From what I remember, there weren't too many left to chose from and our puppy had already been decided on.

As we wrapped up the buying process, i quickly scurried into the back seat of the car.... the driver side, behind my dad.

i think it was fall, and i'm fairly certain my puffy hunter green jacket zipper was cutting into my neck, which was usually something i'd complain about, however after i was buckled in and not caring about the zipper, mom handed me our puppy. still nameless.

there we were...a family with a new little canine addition, talk about a thrilling ride home! for about an hour we sat and brainstormed when finally, after my mind racing and recalling a movie i had seen not too long prior, Simon was decided upon, as in Simon Birch. (great movie) it was a perfect fit, and in that moment he became "my dog". i felt on top of the world. Promptly after the name was all straightened out, our little family immediately began reciting "heda good boyyy" and the "simon's a good boy! he is a good boy, he really is, he really is, he really's a good boyy" song.... he. loved. it.

i'll never forget that ride home. i remember my mom turning around, smiling and petting his little body. my parents were lively and excited...we all were! he was adorable...our own mini lassie and everything i could have ever wanted in a family addition.

as time went on and life happened, there was always the constant of one another...and Simon. throughout the past 17 years of Simon's existence, i moved, i made childhood memories, i argued with my parents, i stayed out late with friends, i made it out of high school alive, i picked out a college, i left home and i honestly, never ever really looked back. every single thing i know of my childhood was wrapped up in that little dog and all of a sudden, it was gone.

Simon, our shetland sheepdog, our family pet, the alpha male, our 'heda good boy', "my" dog, was put to sleep on Saturday at an appointment set for 12:40. i'll never forget being 25 and picking him up, slowly carrying him down the steps of our home and getting into the back seat of the car. the drivers side, behind my dad. my brother to the right and my mom in the front. this time.... it wasn't as thrilling. this time, with tears in all of our eyes, and my mom still looking back and petting his tired body, i held him as he shook. almost 20 years later, as a family, we took Simon to be put to sleep and as the little girl who held him on the drive home as a puppy, i held him until i couldn't any more.

sure, sometimes difficult decisions have to be made that no one wants to hold as their own. that's the man up stairs role, right? sometimes, those decisions make it hard to sleep, make your stomach sink or make your eyes well up with tears. this weekend, the decision to come home and as a family, put Simon to sleep was made and we were the ones that sealed our own mini lassie's fate. I think as human beings we tend to do things selfishly. we want to keep the people, the animals or the things we love alive for as long as possible. we want to wish all the hurt and heartache away and pretend that tomorrow is a new day, that next week will be better and well, it will all just go away with no difficult decisions needed. i think this is a selfish tendency that loving family members tend to make and what we have to remember is that sometimes the most difficult decisions are what is best. for Simon, being together as a family and taking him to leave this world just as we brought him into it, was what was best.

for me, i know that at 17 years old, dogs get old and just like people, the things we love in life can't be kept around forever. for me, my dog was an important symbol of my childhood and closing that chapter stings. for me, taking Simon's collar off and holding it tight represents much more than putting my dog to sleep. for me, it in some way represents that i'm not that little girl bringing her puppy home or that my bedroom at "home" isn't as I left it and that my parents aren't as young or my brother as tiny. for me, it's that my childhood as a chapter in "my book" just turned a page and what i have left is a faded red metal name tag heart with the engraving "Simon" on it.

A few days later it hangs on my bedroom mirror. It's not just a playful reminder of my practically perfectly behaved first dog, but that as a family i have made incredible childhood memories and sometimes, difficult decisions have to be made. however, experiencing things like that as a family reminds you to make the next chapter just as, if not more memorable than the last.

"heda good boyyyy"

give it back

It clicked! I love when that happens! yep, no better feeling...i usually couldn't tell you at what specific moments the meanings of things click for me but this morning on my drive into work, i absolutely can. as most know by now, i can't go anywhere without my music on, usually too loud. this morning was no different. i had been up for a good solid 2 hours with an incredibly sweaty workout behind me and was heading into work a bit early (perfect timing for a stop at Starbucks) when i sat at a light prior to turning left onto the highway. and then... it clicked. I was already a minute and three seconds into the song but at that moment, with the sun in my eyes and the windows down, i had to start it over.

Eric Church's "Give Me Back My Hometown" is a pretty catchy song. that's probably why for first 900 times I had listened to it as either background music, a pre-game jam or just time filler on the treadmill it made no difference, but this morning... something was very different. so for what it's worth, i encourage you to take a listen... closely. try your damnedest to make it relate-able. i guess for me this morning...it was just that.

"You can have my grandma's locket
The knife out of my grandpa's pocket
Yeah my state champion jacket
I don't care you can have it
Every made memory
Every picture, every broken dream
Yeah everything, everything, everything

Give me back my hometown
'Cause this is my hometown
Yeah, yeah, ooohh, yeah, yeah"

there's something about a hometown. you feel like you own it, you run the town. you're the guy or girl that calls the shots and knows every nook and cranny through the streets. the place makes you proud to be part of it's history. you know where the cops sit, where the best places to catch a sunrise are and you know what roads to run on better than anybody. and honestly, that's just the beginning.

it's yours, right?

but see, that's not necessarily what makes it a home and to be honest, that's why when someones says to "give it back" it can mean pretty powerful stuff. for me, i look at a few places as "home". Perkasie for sure, Columbia without a doubt and well, Roanoke. but i get it...all of those aren't really "mine"... they are places full of memories and yet that's what pulls on the heart strings... that's what makes them a home. so for a song like "give me back my hometown", it speaks volumes.

i think that at any moment, your "hometown" can change. people come and go and can leave a mark on what you thought was yours, therefore tarnishing what you may have thought you had. and as a matter of fact, it gets into your bones and how to shake it, i haven't found just yet. i think the way you look at your hometown changes based on the relationships you build and the memories you make. sometimes when real life love or laughter or even heartbreaks happen, it makes the coffee shops taste different, the street lights invoke those "a different place and time" thoughts, the big bright lights at the hometown football field look a bit dimmer, and the back roads you called 'home' remind you of the flood of memories that you may have made right in those same spots previously. i think that's why i love going back to south carolina... the way five points looks before 7am, or how the dew on the lawns along my run route in perkasie are unlike any other, and as for roanoke, i compare every single cup of coffee i drink to the ones i enjoyed at CUPS. I have made memories in other peoples' actual "hometowns" and that for some, like that from the point of view in this song, doesn't sit too well with others.

However, the question i have is can the memories you keep of a place you call home, truly be stolen? Does what you think is yours, not actually belong to them as well?

so perhaps for me, that is what is exciting about experience new cities and states... there are no memories yet. neither good, gutsy, bold or bad. there's nothing that ties you to a specific time which in your mind, can stand still forever. and perhaps for others, a line like "you're in every scene" is what makes a song like 'give me back my hometown' reign so true.

#youwinamherst

the internet is a weird place. you write it, it stays. forever. therefore, be wary. i'd love to offer that opinion like most adults would to the "#selfiegeneration" but, they'll learn eventually when they try and run for office, or get that dream job... womp womp.  good luck, kids.  

for me, what that means is that usually blog posts are perhaps a little guarded or reserved. usually. it's different than lets say, writing music... you can write your damn soul out in a song about the love of your life and someone listening may interpret it for singing about the crappy day you had. it's tricky. Dave Grohl actually said "that's one of the great things about music. you can sing a song to 85,000 people and they will sing it back for 85,000 different reasons." 

so for today, the first post since the big move...we'll follow suit. 

here we are, Amherst, Massachusetts. and yes, the H is silent, and yes, I've been corrected....twice. soooooo there's that. it's incredibly liberal. as a matter of fact, Amherst consistently ranks as one of the most progressively liberal regions of the United States, due in large part to five colleges within the area. The Amherst-Northampton region is known as the "Happy Valley" or "Pioneer Valley" due to the art and music communities, progressive ideas, prestigious colleges, and large student population. I tend to think that the liberal-ism that is this area comes from so many college students trying to figure it all out while utilizing that dramatic energy to throw inhibitions to the wind, get away with wearing tie dye, not caring to look when crossing the street and only showering every other day...because after all --- YOLO right? again, good luck kids. this place has a plethora of restaurants, coffee shops, ice cream parlors (yum), bars, local shopping, organic food spots and a killer vibe. i appreciate the beautiful architecture that surrounds the area - it's got a little bit of southern flair which I absolutely adore. HUGE homes on beautiful green lots with perfectly manicured lawns and hydrangea bushes. beautiful. there seems to be a ton of good spots to just get lost in the day... i love that and look forward to trying a few of them out myself.  as for the driving here...terrible. joe is convinced it's because the lights within close distance to one another don't sync. i'm convinced it's because people are clueless and there literally are no lines on the road to separate the lanes. regardless, texting and driving is literally impossible here (happy to hear mom? ;)) and if i don't hit someone walking across the rainbow colored crosswalks during our time here... it will be a miracle. seriously. 

now, i can't say i wasn't anxious, overwhelmed or a little bit torn about leaving Roanoke. and trust me when i say that i know that makes some a little or a lot confused but... i know that it's going to be okay. quite simply, i just want to breathe. to be. to smell the new england air and then shake it all out. there is so much to look forward to and so much to be excited about and i know i am where i should be. it's a new job (and yes, the first day in town I landed a gig - insert big pat on my own back - incase you want to know and didn't ask --- Marketing and PR Manager for the Greater Springfield Convention and Visitors Bureau which ultimately drives economic development to Western Mass through travel, leisure and tourism), it's obviously a new city, it's a new apartment, it's a new commute and new street signs, new grocery stores, and everything in between. it's pretty much new everything and sometimes it's just simply overwhelming. however, i love my constants, my crew, my little family here and i know that i have people that love and support me through their own ways of showing it. so, please be patient with me. listen, love and laugh with me.

now, all i have to do is take a step back, get a little bit out of my own head and be still.  not only that, but be in control of my own positivity and how i feel about love, life, and everything in between.  i can't change how people act or the things that they do or do not say but i can control how i feel or react to them. that's a little reminder i need to keep close. because hell, life does move pretty fast, if you let it...so why not control the ride.  i'm pretty sure i've said it before but, i'd prefer mine with the windows down, hair blowing, and the music loud... however, i will say, on the back streets around this place, it's gonna be a beautiful drive. 

The Star City

it's my last monday in Roanoke. i'm a little weepy.

when i made the decision to move to Roanoke i was taking a huge leap of faith. i was leaving a career  that just didn't make me as happy as i could be, therefor i decide that i needed to start the next chapter of my life in a cozy little Southern town in VA. I swore up and down that i would never live in VA after my tumultuous relationship with Nofolk and a new found hate for vanity license plates but, sure enough - almost 3 years later i called Roanoke, VA home. The star city.

This place was good to joe. it was also good to my visits here when i lived 4 hours towards the eastern shore and then 4 states south in sunny, humid florida. This place felt like "home" when i would visit. the downtown was alive but still had that southern flair, there was plenty of great restaurants to try out some delicious eats and there was always great conversation everywhere we turned. i really loved the town that joe called home. i remember being jealous about the events he would attend like First Fridays, Microfestivus, St. Pats and whatever else was happening downtown. i knew that when i decided that Roanoke was going to be a new home of mine too, it would be a perfect fit.

turns out, it was. well... for another three days, it still is but i'm in a "was" kinda mindset starting this week. i remember sitting at joe's "going away party" and listening to him thank his staff for making this place a home. he mentioned that the staff became a family to him and that roanoke would always hold a special place in his heart. tonight, i couldn't agree with him more. this place is pretty "b.a" as some would say. (hint:badass) and hell, they couldn't be more right! my family knew i'd love it and joe said it would be hard to leave. they were both right and well, i miss everything it is already.

when i take a little time to appreciate this place, my heart is light. i think that i have a new little love affair with a new little city and everything it has to offer. from the company i kept and the relationships i'll take with me forever, the downtown outside lunch spots, my favorite dive bar, the music and entertainment scene, the coffee shops, shopping spots and of course some of the best views i've ever laid eyes on. i've learned and experienced a lot in roanoke and needless to say, i'm gonna miss this little star city.

roanoke got into my bones. it shook me. no doubt about it. so roanoke, don't forget to be awesome. i can't wait to be back.

the people you meet and the places you go

Oh the places you'll go by Dr. Suess...the classic graduation gift wrapped up with a crisp $25 dollar bill intended for "books" (that however, would surely to go towards a few cases of beer or a fancy bottle of vodka and mixers as soon as the parents drop you off) hell, i think I got that book too - not too sure where it is now, but when i sit 4 years removed from college - that book is actually a lot more relate-able. I've been some pretty great places however I've met some much greater people.

College is a life changer. it forces you to meet people. to socialize and to get over whatever image you and others had of you in years prior. College literally is the chance to start over. for me - i fell in love. i fell in love with my school, my friends, my city and everything that makes you bleed garnet and black. it was the perfect transition into the other places i would go and the other people i would meet along the way. i actually think because of my love affair with Carolina, it's a part of me and people that I meet now, appreciate that. they get a little glimpse into what makes me happy and who i've matured into because of the places I've come from.

when it comes to the people i've met along the way, i would without a doubt not be who i am today without the friends i've made over the years. relationships and friendships alike are such a special thing and as i get older i tend to cherish them much more. sure, when i was a senior in college i wanted to over dramatize every friendship i made. i can't count the number of -"we'll be friends forever" conversations, or the number of late night drives i made in that town in fear that i'd lose a lot of what i fell in love with over the course of four years. the true friendships i've made are special. sure, they are separated by plenty of miles for the most part but they are only a phone call, a snapchat, a text or a piece snail mail away - and i love that. the best friend i have from home who probably knows me better than most is unlike any other friendship i have. what could be more special about that? the girls i have from Kappa, the guys that i can still laugh with whenever a reunion occurs or the girlfriends i have who literally keep me sane with our phone catch up sessions on the regular are such blessings and they are each so different in their own respect. during my time here in roanoke a friend of mine has taught me so much about positive attitude that it's actually contagious. literally - i couldn't count the number of times that i have come home from work annoyed by his happy-go-lucky outlook on life. (i'm terrible haha) now, as i pack up to leave... it's become an inspiration. through experiences in his own life he has made it a mission to live positively and through some great insight and even greater laughs along the way, i've learned to appreciate Roanoke a little bit more due to his reminder to live life with the mindset that positive thinking = positive results. as a matter of fact - the Civic Center will be hosting a positive thought a day for the next thirty weeks for the thousands of people that drive by. Today, although simple it read "be kind to animals". it may not mean much, but it is a positive thought and it will certainly evoke at least a little "happy" in those that drive by and are lucky enough to catch it on the rotation. thankfully, today...i did. so, for a realist like me, a positive attitude and a inspiring friendship is certainly a blessing to be able to take with me in the places i'll go.

people you meet through out your time spent in different places teach you different things about yourself that you otherwise probably wouldn't have figured out on your own. they force you to ask difficult questions and make changes....or not. they are perfect sounding boards for the things you may have going on in your own head and can usually provide the voice of reason that you leaned on them for in the first place.  some are forever friends, and some are just for the now but that's okay too. if they have made you feel anything, they have taught you something ...and that's pretty damn great.

home is where your loved ones are

home really is where your loved ones are. it is where there are hugs at the front door, lights on in the bedroom and kisses goodnight. needless to say, coming back to roanoke the afternoon after moving Joe proved to be fairly difficult as i sit on the middle cushion of the couch with no one poking me to move over.

I have been in Roanoke just over 7 months and I am already feeling the effects of living the solo life until we are all situated with the big move up to Massachusetts. Sure, there are some perks like getting to buy my favorites at the grocery store or not having to worry about the silly little chores that living with another person include however, i can honestly say... i feel a little lost without my crew. i actually miss henry banging into my knee with his bone, gibson getting hair all over the couch and joe making fun of Chopped on the Food Network from the kitchen. 

with all of the heartache that comes from the transition and getting things settled over the next few months it makes me so much more thankful for what i have and who i share my time with. it also makes me realize even further how difficult it must be for those that lose someone they spent every waking moment with day in and day out. sure, i've spent close to 5 years in a relationship however only 9 months of the time have we actually been able to see each other and experience the company of one another throughout the normal work week or fun filled weekend.

as i sit here anxious about this empty house, i can only think how hard it must be for others who suddenly lose the ones they love and have spent 20, 30 or 60 years of their life with day in and day out. it's a reminder that life is short and you just never know what you may come home too after a long day at work. it's a reminder that what you know as routine which therefore provides you with a sense of security could all one day be gone. it makes the little things a little bit more memorable and the big things much easier to miss.

i am excited for what is ahead, for what the summer may bring, then the fall and ultimately the "harsh winters" have in store for us up in Mass. but i'll tell ya what - being back with my boys, makes it already feel like home.

+previously written

the coffee shops...

there is something special about small, fun, quirky and independently owned coffee shops. i love them. every single place that i visit, stay, live or simply wander through, i have to hit the local coffee shop.

in Carolina it was Carolina Cafe, and every time i go back... i realize that the secret must be out. the place is always packed, especially on a Sunday after the Gamecocks play (win) at home. the place has homemade everything and is always delicious. my favorites have to be the breakfast bagel sandwich, the chocolate milk and the iced coffee - all perfect for a hangover or the perfect food in tote for a stroll on the horseshoe.

then there was Norfolk - Borjo... oh how i miss Borjo! the scones were out of this world, the cinnamon buns were bigger than my face, the local art was always a conversation starter oh and after five they served drinks... yep. fact. the chicken salad was amazing and the best part...it was literally ten steps from my work. Oh and the coffee! the coffee was some of the best....nothing crazy however, their ice... their iced was crushed and what could be better than an afternoon walk down Monarch Way with a cold, crushed iced coffee? the answer is nothing. I miss Borjo, but I actually miss the company I kept at Borjo more.

next up, tampa... tampa kinnnndaaaa sucked when it came to coffee shops. i was pretty bummed to find no local stops, no local favorites or have to hit spots in the AM. however, for what it is worth my love of Panera came from Tampa. they knew my name, they knew how to toast my bagel and their coffee came with free refills. so, i'll take it. nothing special, but panera - i love you anyway.

now, Roanoke...Roanoke is a special kind of place. it's artsy, it's eccentric and better yet you're still in the south so expect that southern hospitality with well, let's call it "liberal flair".... i love it. Roanoke is home to two favorites... Mill Mountain and Cups. Now, Mill Mountain seems to be a staple in the region with a few locations and an ever changing coffee selection and standard sweets and samples to cure any hangover. The specialty drinks may be priced a little higher but that never stopped Joe from going all in with the Carmel, Mocha, whatever... for me it was the coffee. plain. hot. coffee. with cinnamon please. ;) then you have CUPS. cups is special to me. it's in the center of historic Grandin Village and it's slogan is "my other office is CUPS"... how cool, right? It's got hilarious owners, ever changing local artwork, comfy couches, tables made from old VHS tapes and plenty of drinks to choose from. Oh and bring your own cup, store it here and they will keep it clean and waiting for you.... how awesome, right? and don't forget - the wifi, free! it's a perfect coffee shop, in a perfect little town.

I can't wait for my next coffee shop love affair and from what i hear, there are going to be a quite a few to choose from. so, look out Amherst, a new local is coming to town! oh and for what it's worth....if I had a coffee shop full of everything awesome, it would without a doubt be called "The little bean"... um, how awesome? maybe one day...

"not all those who wander are lost"

Serendipity... maybe this is just that. Maybe this is something that will become something bigger... you know the "big one", the "life changer"... (yea yea, as if i haven't had enough of those.) Oh, right... sorry... you're probably asking what is the "this"? what is the thing that may cause for another shake up on the shaken never stirred life that I lead?

well, it involves boxes and paying $1.00 online to the United States Postal Service. it involves dropping off cable boxes and picking up plenty of tape. it involves gas, plenty of red bull and maybe some combos, at least for me it does. it involves paper cuts and even a few bruises on the hips from door propping and car door slamming. i'm gonna assume you've gotten it by now...

Ding! Ding! Ding! yes, i am moving. actually, scratch that, WE are moving... sure, it wouldn't be in Sara fashion if it wasn't as complicated as one of us moves right away (as in...tomorrow) and the other waits a solid 3 months or so however, yes, WE are moving.

So where you ask? Where too now? I'll get to that... but first, let me in the very least try and bury the negativity. For me, that goes something like this;

I get it... I have moved a lot. I have moved to college (oh and for what it's worth, that shouldn't count - and quiet honestly... if my wallet would have allowed it - I would have never moved anywhere else). I have moved to Norfolk. need I discuss the plentiful joys of a first apartment, a first job, a first paycheck? No? okay, good. (ironically though, i miss the heck out of that place) Then there was Tampa - talk about sunshine and beaches... well except the beach was an hour away and the sunshine just proved to be...well, too hot. So, thank God for a best friend and a puppy, making Tampa not all that bad after all. Which finally brings us to Roanoke... the real switch up. the shaken not stirred switch up. so, sure... i've moved but...after it all, i'm okay with it.  (i'm okay with it as long as you don't ask me if i'm okay with it when i'm having a melt down about all the moving.)

Through these moves i have discovered a few things. The first being that when i am not in control... i simply lose control. plain and simple. no reading between the lines here. when i am not the one making the plans to move or taping up the boxes, i literally lose my mind. call my crazy all you want, but being in control is a luxury that i intend to try to keep. this for me is actually kind of funny, considering i love the idealistic concept of the "serendipitous" act however it becomes fairly difficult for me to just trust that what is meant to happen, will do just that...

With all of this moving i find myself simply searching for a sense of stability. but that's okay, right? (it better be) i've come to believe that stability isn't just something that makes one feel "comfortable" but yet learning to breath it all in and trust that you're where you should be once you breathe it all out. this takes time... and i'm also okay with that too. stability then becomes a choice (que being in control) and well, i like being in enjoy control. sure, i may not be going about it the easiest way possible, or maybe as fast as other would expect but i do think that i'm doin' alright figuring it out along the way. I think that all of this bouncing around has contributed to who I am today and perhaps a little bit nuts, but thankfully now I am that much more aware of what it's like to hit some bumps and know how to keep the car in drive. and also for what it's worth, i have found that a relationship like mine and joe's speaks volumes about making it through tough conversations, slow and steady timelines and a constantly evolving ideas of what it means to be truly madly in love. ours is not picture perfect, but it is ours and i love it.

Sure, I know that i am not the best back seat driver... i'm not even close to being comfortable with being in the backseat but i do know that with the love and support of friends and family alike, the search for stability within the constantly changing nature of life that it's all going to be just fine. and yes, maybe Charleston SC isn't in the game plan right now, or maybe being the DOM within a big company isn't the best fit, but mark my words, being in control of something that may seem to others as being out of control, isn't easy, but it isn't impossible either. i'd like to think that i am a spitting image of someone who may not have it all figured out at 25, but you better bet it's a real fun ride and it certainly doesn't mean i got off at the wrong exit.

So, what's next? or better yet, where's next? well...Amherst, Massachusetts, that's where. que the "it's so cold!" and the "omg. wow. congrats? but you just moved?!".  i'm confident that Amherst will provide a lot of stability, be a little bit more comfortable and will bestow plenty of experiences for the memory bank. i'm pretty excited about settling down in New England for a while, getting a job i love and decorating our first real little home. Amherst may not be our "forever" but it is our "first" and that is pretty damn awesome. i'd like to also think i know a little bit about experiencing things with the ones you love versus solo and I can easily say that I'd much rather do the experiencing with Joe, Henry and Gib by my side and family only a few hours down the road. so sure, it might not look that great to others, and it may be easily disconcerting... but, in an attempt to live and love a lot, i've lost a little control and it's going to be just fine.

oh and i'll take any hunter boots, adorable jackets, vineyard vines sweatshirts or preppy jewelry you'd like to send my way :) helllloooo New England! ;) i may be a southern girl at heart, but getting to experience a college town with a preppy flair for a while i'm sure never hurt anyone.

Goodnight Prayers

Every night before I fall asleep I try and say my goodnight prayers. They usually go in the order of Praise, Repent, Anyone, You (PRAY). A little trick an old friend taught me years ago in an effort to provide some direction about "how to pray". Now, years later...I try every night to p.r.a.y. however it's from days like today and from coffee at 5 PM that never allows a mind to settle and a prayer to finish silently leading to a soundless sleep. So, now... I sit. Snores up the hall, lights on in the bathroom and a fire smoldering as it fades...

If I were able to actually say my good night prayers tonight...they'd go something like this;

I praise God for the blessings I have, the family that keeps me sane and the health of myself and the loved ones I cherish. I'm thankful that Pop is home from the hospital and that I've had a blessed weekend thus far with friends and family. I praise God for safe travels for my Dad no matter where he goes and a strong willed Mom through tough times and such positive vibes a brother could ever provide. I'd then pray for forgiveness for being slightly too judgmental, stressed out and negative. I'd ask that I have more patience and take more deep breaths. Then, I'd pray long and hard for my Nan and family dealing with the everyday loss of a Husband, Dad and grandfather. I'd pray for smiles and safety for a best friend hundreds of miles away and for the health and happiness of family and friends alike, no matter where they are. Then, last but not least I'd pray for a safe rest of the weekend, a smooth drive home and an even better week ahead. I'd finish with an Amen and hopefully drift to sleep.

However, like I said before...coffee too late, good music and loud firecrackers next door make that a little tough so...here I sit and reflect just a little bit on what's behind me, what I have and what is  ahead. Life can be a tricky place and absolutely full of headaches and heartache but I can only hope that each good nights prayers bring positive energy and plenty of blessings to me and mine all the sleepless nights ahead.