down by the sea shore

There is something interesting, captivating even about the beach, or better yet the shore. Those who know me best know that the beach is a place that makes me feel whole. It's the perfect spot for just about anything and is always a safe haven whenever one may need. [if you haven't sat on a lifeguard stand during sunset, you have not lived. #markmywords]

The beach is great for many things including relaxing, thinking, tanning, crying, swimming or just plain people watching.  with that said, there is one thing that is specifically interesting to me about sand lined shores. This would have to be people's need to shell search. Little girls, teens, moms and grandmothers alike are drawn to them.

I absolutely love watching people scour the sand in search for that perfect shell or even better yet, an LBI piece of sea glass. Some carry plastic bags and pick very carefully, others dig their hands in, do a little shake and wash, and then just stare at the wonder that is in front of them, wishing for the chance at hitting the shell jackpot. you know the kind...a full conch shell, or a beautiful purple clam.

you see, not everyone who shell searches is a crafter or even an avid collector. not everyone really even needs them, or will have a place for them once the day comes to a close. however the urge to pick up and collect these small treasures is like an act the arm can't control. It's amazing to me that no matter what the age, shell searching makes you feel like that little ponytail kid you once were. It has a sense of youth attached to it unlike anything else. It's romantic, addicting even. quite honestly, it is the perfect remedy for when you are indeed 23 and well, just want to feel like that little kid back on the beach, ready to show your small discovery to mom or dad...a very proud moment for sure....you know the kind.

so, with that, happy shell searching.

pen and paper

i used to write in notebooks, college ruled and metal bound. i used to write when it was a rough day, i was upset or even when i just simply had something to say and didn't want to tell a single soul. it was therapeutic. kind of like what a blog has become, however the trick with the blog is that you open up the pages for people to see.

you see, this is all very very different from the notebook sheets i'd tear up and throw out in thought of some one catching a glimpse at something that i wouldn't dare say in person. it was just something that served as an outlet however i have found that outlets in a hometown were in abundance where has here, not so much. hence, the blog.. i guess? i have wanted so much to find a spot, find a windy road or a "wawa" that i could drive too just to, well, just to drive too. i have wanted to find a parking spot, or a park that is safe and serene for when its too early to go to bed, but too late to well, do anything else to just sit, windows down, rain or shine.  i find myself in this in between phase where i could probably go to the gym, but already went in the morning. i don't want to go to work well because i spent 10 hours there already, and i don't want to go to the store and shop, well, because i have no money... and well., gas is too expensive to drive to the beach whenever I'm restless. so, insert blog.

now, problem with that is that i could get gritty, nasty, super sappy and even too miserable at times for a blog...hence why good ole pen and paper is still best. so, now, the question is does it have the same effect as it did years ago... is it as therapeutic to pick up a pen, tear out a piece of wrinkled paper from a bound back notebook and just write. not tell a story, not reflect on something that you had experienced during the day...no. just. write. the best kind of writing is unguarded, its unhabitual and it is natural, something that i have found is the opposite of an every day blog post.

sure, when it just comes to you, it can be good.. kind of like those really good songs that just hit an artist, but, for the average sally like myself, it can be taxing. it invokes a thought process, like eh, should i REALLY put that out there? should i actually be saying this? i mean, its the internet, and well.. there are people that i work with that have the ability to click and walk into Sara's world...scary part, i'd have no idea.. i'd have absolutely know idea that if when i saw Mary or Harry they had the night before read every little word and judged till there was nothing else to judge. yet, wouldn't say a word too you about it anyway... kind of scary right? yeah, i think so too.

but, maybe thats the rewarding apart about getting older, getting more comfortable and well, being true to yourself. sure, a pen and a paper is always good, and probably always best, but a free form of thought which could be shared or interpreted will serve a purpose bigger than i may really know, and that is kind of cool. so as i sit here, too early to go to bed, and too late to go to the only other place where the shoe fits (wonder where that is?)... i find myself tearing out a piece of paper and clicking  a pen..... however, today, the keyboard just felt like a better fit.

reminded me of a song: Anna Nalick, Breathe. perfect for pen and paper, but when you don't know the rest, a blog post will do. am i right ashley kunkle? ;)

"cus these words are my diaries screaming out loud and i know that you'll use them however you want too.."

smells like home

there is something about a crockpot that makes a house or, an apartment a home. today: it was pizza pasta. some green peppers, onions, pepperoni, pasta, sauce and cheese...an instant italian dinner that swirls ones head as soon as you walk in the front door.

i can thank my parents for this little fix. it's almost just what the doctor ordered. after being less than enthused about being here miles away from friends and family a package full of my favorite things, including a crockpot and how to cook whatever it is that makes me feel at home has proven to do wonderful things. coming home today from the store with the crockpot dinner going on 6 hours made this apartment feel as warm as a cold fall night in PA surrounded by the dogs, the rest of the gang and a good movie.

so, tonight... it's pizza pasta, tv and a little R&R.

tomorrow: apple crisp. YUM!

hard to love

women are moody. fact. women are always right. not a fact, however, i feel that if you know what is best you'll find someway to make them feel that that is actually the case (maybe not entirely...but enough). it's like those shows on TLC or HGTV where they are interviewing the couple; "so what do you want this room to look like?" "me? what do I want? eh, happy wife, happy life" #sorryimnotsorry #thatisagoodanswer


now, i will say that i appreciate someone with an opinion, maybe even if it is a different opinion than what i have (sometimes)..but, feeling like you are always on the same page with another is crucial. it, to me, is what makes one say "that's my best friend" not, "we compliment each other". sure, complimenting each other is good, nice even... but no one wants to be a compliment...the want to be mandatory pieces of a two piece puzzle. you can't have a finished product without the other piece. that's not a compliment.. it is a necessary.  it is like i said, crucial.


maybe a little mix up from the standard, but i heard a song a while back, and it didn't really hit me until this morning...

Hard to Love
I am insensitive I have a tendency to pay more attention to the things that
I need.
Sometimes I drink too much, sometimes I test your trust, sometimes I dunno
Why you're staying with me?

I'm hard to love, hard to love, I don't make it easy, I couldn't do it if I
Stood where you stood
I'm hard to love, hard to love, you say that you need me, I don't deserve
It but I love that you love me. good.

I am a short fuse, I am a wrecking ball crashing into your heart like I do
You're like a Sunday morning full of grace and full of Jesus I wish that I
Could be more like you.
e.html ]
I'm hard to love, hard to love, I don't make it easy, I couldn't do it if I
Stood where you stood, 
I'm hard to love, hard to love, you say that you need me, I don't deserve
It but I love that you love me. Goood
Love me good

Girl you've given me a million second chances and I don't ever wanna take
You for granted, I'm just a man, I'm just a man

Hard to love, hard to love, oh I don't make it easy and I couldn't do it if
I stood where you stood.
I'm hard to love, hard to love and you say that you need me, I don't
Deserve it but I love that you love me. good. (x2)

You love me good.

insert thought:

i have this idealistic image of what life should be. my image looks like this; it is full of coffee shop mornings and long walks on quaint town sidewalks. (like West Chester PA, or Davidson NC... have you ever been? no? ...Go! - it will make sense) anyway,  it is always fall and the light is always flattering, kinda like a sunbeam that you think ruins an old picture, but with time makes it that much more special. it is that image of a white picket fence and a beautiful stone fireplace roaring during the dead of winter or the still of night. it is a beach with a perfect breeze and a beautiful sunset all in the same day. its grocery shopping without a list and walking out with just what you needed (#winning). its grilled family dinners on a warm summer night, with the perfect music in the background. that to me is what life s h o u l d  look like. however, sometimes i feel like it absolutely c a n look like that IF you allow it to. so maybe, i am not allowing it too? [insert thought: i think i have said this before... take a hint sara, take a god damn hint] maybe i am not living life like it should be "lived", and for that matter "loved." those with more years and wisdom on a little 23 year old would say that, it's just that, that is more important.

[insert thought: however, the pressure to live life like that, (ya know, the way it is intended) makes someone with an anxious mind (me),  kind of hard to breathe (but then again, there are pills for that right?)]

sure, i am fairly hard on myself... i know this, and so do the people that are closest to me but at some point being so overwhelmed not only leads to puffy eyes.... but an aching mind. [insert thought: maybe i should just suck it up and shut up?]

and, with that, i feel terrible. terrible that i know that the people that want to help and want to make sure that i am in good spirits are also the ones that my negative perception on anything at this point is not only a reflection of my current mindset, but their well wishes as well. it has a negative effect don't you see? it is that whole... when you are angry - i get angry, when you are laughing - it's contagious. insert thought: those are the best laughs, ya know the kind when you see someone else laughing and you both look at each other and lose it... love those kind]

never, ever do you want to say to those that support you that your t i r e d and maybe even slightly scared of not really know what to do. my sense of un-satisfaction is magnified by those that i love, and, that love me. for example; "you being unhappy, makes us unhappy".  [insert thought: i HATE the word unhappy. it reminds me of pitty, and i hate pitty. but, this is a blog and well... if it annoys you.. move on]

see, its a domino effect. a circle. so what do you do? and well, what do you say?

"is there anything i can do?"
"no."

when really, all you want to be able to say is yes. there is! there are a lot of things you can do..however, you can't. you. can't. do. anything.

and it is conversations like that, which sometimes i feel like reaching through the phone and shaking anyone who will listen, as if, well, they are the ones that are in the wrong... they are the ones that can pull the on off switch. the ones that should be able to to fix anything. when really, no one is in the wrong and those are the people that just want to help. they love so hard that it hurts to hear "no"... so yeah, i get it. i absolutely get it.

so i guess, "i just really want you to re-assess everything and look what you got, look what you had, look what your going to get or what you hope to have because, well, you never know and make a line in the sand - draw a line. do your ups and your downs...." 

so sure, maybe i'll actually take the advice...

[insert thought: or then again, maybe i'll TRY, and for some reason, perhaps because what is supposed to happen will just happen... now, wouldn't that be fucking nice for once. it's not called serendipity for nothing.]

Thank You Pinterest. You're so good to me.