Saturday

Aside from needing some company, my Saturday in the rain looks something like this...

calm

what makes you feel calm? for me... it's something i literally just found out about 8 minutes ago. ready?

i made dinner... good ole sweet potato tots and some popcorn chicken. anyway, after eating and carelessly throwing the trash away i sat down on my couch. no tv. no lights. one candle. i just sat there. i leaned back, and looked straight ahead and took a deep breath (my sign told me too) and well..i was calm. now, a side note... i had a mint choc chip ice cream sandwich in my hand, and yes, it's low fat. but regardless, i was calm.

this means a lot for some one who for the past week has been nuts regarding work. big event, big media and big pressure... so on a Thursday evening with one more day ahead it was nice to take a breath and well, breathe.

it has always been interesting to me the minds sense of stream of consciousness. how, really, we have no control over what we think, how we think it, and when we are thinking. sure, the point is to be able to control how we act on those thoughts...but it is things like this that tend to lead to the opposite of being calm. its either you have your mind going this way, your heart another or your head up and your stomach down. it is a fact of life that your brain will continue to work long after you've slipped into a dream or a more "calm" being. tiring right? i think so too.

but, being calm is more than a state of mind. it's a physical state as well. hearing yourself think tends to lead to anxiety. but for me, just then...there was none. and that, well that was a first.

the shack

i finished. The Shack. highly recommended, and not for the weary of mind. i am not a quick reader, and i tend to like a casual read.. these things however are not what you get with this book. this is a paperback that allows you to question your perception on life, your perception of reality, and perception more importantly of religion. it subtly advises one to break the mold and the guidelines or rules that come with it. it allows one to understand that with tragedy comes forgiveness. its delicate, and incredibly intricate. it speaks of light, color, beauty and imposes questions and considerations one otherwise would not realize exist. so, i give it a thumbs up, and an absolute must read...

the spot

don't worry..it's nothing spicy. well, not really. i think that everyone has a spot. a spot where they go to clear their head, scream at the top of their lungs, read an old note, or open mail. a spot that they go that is simple, yet removed from your standard every day go to. for some i'm sure its a parking lot, or a porch. maybe its a soccer field or a gymnasium. its a place where it can be just you, and that for the most part that's perfectly okay.

after a few years removed from my hometown, a very small one at that. i've yet to find a spot like my old go-to. now, this for most they'd have no idea where this would even be, except of course to those that lived it. its tucked perfectly apart from the rest, and did just the trick for late nights and early mornings.

there is something about a spot that you can call your own, and it is something i think about a lot. i think that there should always be a place where one can go to get away, phone a friend or just breathe. all things that i enjoy at any given moment. so, for me... the best spot was the one you'll see below. and, as i embark on the next chapter, and the next place i call home.. i hope i can find a new spot, although i know, and i'm sure the few others that enjoyed it as well... would beg to say there's no place like the original. so until then a cozy apartment, plenty of candles and a good blanket will suffice.

The Spot

a dog

there is something about a dog person, or a dog family for that matter... dogs are like people, and sure i have never owned a cat, and i hear they are fabulous too. well, fabulous in the sense they are low maintenance, can be left alone for a week at a time, easy to play with and fairly small... i even hear they are smart, but even still, i, am a dog person.
dogs are referred to as part of a family, a member as a matter of fact. there's gotta be something special about that wouldn't you say?
my family, is a dog family. we have had since i can remember; Tisha, Molly, Simon, Sydney, Sophie and yes, Cubby. Here, are a few thoughts:
Tisha - big, uh, butt. the mutt, and always loved peanut butter.
Molly - the "youthful" one. snotty, and oh so lazy
Simon - i'll get back to him
Sydney - small, runt, precious, sad.
Sophie - BIG personality.
Cubby - oh cubby.

Simon, my Simon if you will has been around the block. This is what i mean by that... i can remember being little, as in living back at Lawndale little and driving out towards Harrisburg to pick him up. I remember sitting in the back, holding him on the way home and brainstorming names with Mom and Dad in the front... Simon, more specifically Simon Birch, from the movie at the time was a perfect fit. Simon IS my childhood. He is the absolute image of my family, and has 15 of my years, and my family wrapped up in his four feet.

I remember rushing off the bus and around the bend when I was little to play with him as soon as i could. I remember his broken leg in an unfortunate slamming the door accident. I remember I loved brushing him...something these days, not so much. I remember the tape that sat between his ears to keep them perked up and I remember the training that took place in our kitchen with baked turkey dogs to make sure he was as obedient as he could be. and i'll tell ya, he's a smart dog. we had him shaking, sitting, laying down, and even roll over once or twice. we were a proud family in those days. a real dog family if you will.

so there we were, all throughout middle school, high school, college and post. now to me, there is something about a childhood that can be wrapped up in something tangible, and for me and mine its my dog. he was my youth as he has seen me, my brother, and my family grow. he has moved with us, and he has been the first to greet me after a semester at college, or after a long three months at work. he is home, just as any other member of my family. He has always managed to stick by my side when the rents were arguing down stairs, or after i was yelled at for this that or the other,  he has always been the perfect pick me up,or the best welcome... bad breath and all.

so as the years roll by and the time starts to take its toll i think about the things a dog can represent. they are not just a "thing" that provides companionship. as a matter of fact, i would be hard pressed to find any dog family who feels otherwise. simply stated, he symbolizes growing. unfortunately growing old, but none the less growing up, something a dog teaches each member of its family to do through the true meaning of companionship. and well, i'm sure they don't call them a man's best friend for nothing.

#throwback

there is nothing better than a late night, a light drizzle outside, a dim light and a throwback jam.


tonight: Konstantine, Something Corporate.
thoughts: high school, jeep, summer, late nights, freshman year, freshman year roommate, loud, laughs, tears, questions, and good times.

a long one, but a great one.



I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
It's always you and my big dreams


And you tell me
That it's over
But I can't stand here in a patch of four leaf clover
And your restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No, could you let me go
I didn't think so


And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
The present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope
That you had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
And it did because of me


And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live


And I had dreams that I would learn to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rockstar
And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
But dammit you're so young
But I don't think I care
And if I hurt you then I'm sorry
Please don't think that this was easy


And then you bring me home
'Cause we both know what its like to be alone, no
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live


Konstantine came walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And I've been thinking, and I've thinking, no
But she's been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere


My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long blond hair
And I was thinking, what I was thinking ya know
We've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere


This is because I can spell confusion with a K
and I like it
It's to dying in another's arms
And why I had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
And those nights in my car
But this time I'm alone, and I don't see those stars
I'm not your star?
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant
You thought this song meant


And if this is what it takes
Just to lie in my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine


They'll never hurt you like I do
No, They'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No


This is to a girl who got into my head
With all these pretty things she did
Hey Baby, You know that you keep me up in bed
It's to a girl who got into my head
With all the fucked up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine


Spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said,
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you


God, I miss you


And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep but this time not alone, no no,
And you'll kiss me in your living room, oh
And you see, no, that I've been missing in my Living room
Cause this is what I miss, what I miss
We don't have much room
I said, does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live


My Konstantine

florida

so, i have been here for about three weeks, and i have noticed the following;

1. it's hot
2. my car NEVER stays clean
3. there are a lot of bugs, BIG bugs
4. clothes are thin...see through thin
5. i am not skinny enough for these types of clothes
6. i need a tan, quicker than my skin can achieve the desired color
7. everyone wears heels. high ones
8. i can't walk in these heels
9. i for some reason want to drink during the day here
10. Marley and Buffett sound better in Florida

welp, that about sums it up.

once upon a time

i mean, it starts out with Disney. that's what i think anyway. Disney has given girls an unattainable sense of reality from the beginning of time. from perfectly manicured hair, to their grass and even the cleanliness of their bathrooms. the love stories portrayed in their movies have been set on a pedestal for years, and i can absolutely blame the misguided sense of solidity women have on life because of it.

i mean, lets be honest... there are stories of wonderful princesses being swept away by handsome princes. ...really, does that happen? uh, no. shit, the closest thing i can get to that would be.. let's see... ah! i know, Matt Damon and his bartender wife... or how about Prince William and Kate, but uh.. correct me if i am wrong, that shit ain't very real either.

now, i find myself pinning (pinterest.com) pictures of weddings, dresses, hair, outfits, parties, this, that and the other in attempt of finding a "happily ever after". like i have mentioned previously, pinterest is an obsession, and is normally taking up my life at work down time which is few and far between, but i will say... the time that women i feel in general put into their wedding, or  their "happily ever after" moments are amazing. sure, i can't speak to what it will really be like, as my or...our, time will come...but like seriously? what is the need and addiction to pinning, or pining for the unattainable.

now, specifically i talk about the glamorous fairy tale weddings...but what about something like, oh idk, your dream house. HGTV has legit shows on million dollar rooms...now, who is this attainable for? and, are those people even watching? probably not... but, people like me, the uh... i think i am crafty and can make anything look good kind will try and get inspiration out of a little photo, or even a little clip of a tv show in order to bring them or...me, close to the "once upon a time" feeling of fulfillment or achievement in many aspects of life.

it would be fair to say that not everything is a fairy tale, but hell... if Ariel can turn from a mermaid to a beautiful princess, and Cindarella can walk around all night in painful glass shoes without a blister... there might just be a chance for us all, once upon a time...

And trust me, it ain't just the hair...

complex

i have a complex... well, a few. i have been in multiple meetings with multiple people since my time here in Florida. they normally go something like this; get in the bosses car, drive to the appt or get to the conference room. sit down. wait. watch as 3-4 men walk in. stand up. introduce myself, shake their hand. sit down. wait. watch as 2 more men and one woman walk in. stand up, introduce and sit down... conduct meeting, listen, sit back, nod my head, ask no questions, run through my agenda, make a joke or two. end the meeting.

now... with all of that said lets talk about this complex. first off, i am young. duh. lets say 24 because, well that helps my complex, and when surrounded by a staff of 30 something dudes, or men for professional terms.. it can be, well, ugh..blah. no fun jokes, no laughing or coffee runs.

so, that leads to my next complex. what the hell is up with all the men? now, like i've said before... i am not a feminist, and women have a place in business just as men do..but being young and a woman.. uh, let me say this... if ONE MORE dude, or gentleman, shakes my hand like a FAIRY... i may or may not punch them in the gut right on the spot. so... look at my face, not by boobs, don't crack jokes about my outfit, and well.. if you can come in and lean back in your chair and swivel through the whole meeting... you better bet that i will as well. don't interrupt me before i can even make a point, and certainly don't the one other chick off either... that is what makes a complex that much worse.

so, sure... respect needs to be earned. it needs to worked on, and well if you don't receive it... the efforts to get it can and will make you seem like a bitch...oops. what a fine line we walk eh?

so, here is to successful meetings, running a department... a good one at that, and to having less of a complex or two as time goes on. one can wish.

time will..wait, time told.

so now what? it's one of those things that happens as the normal progression of life brings a change...or two. its a new job, a new zip code and even a few more clothes to go with the new title... all good things. right?
being young, slightly overwhelmed and, lets just go with creative...changes are bound to happen. for me, that means a new job, in a new building, in a new city. its a new start and it is stressful. but, what wouldn't stress me out?
there is an exciting part of changes in ones life. there are things that you can't control, that maybe you wish you could that you need to get a hold of as the time goes by and the challenges or tasks arise. it is time and patience that may teach you how to laugh a little more, and breathe a little deeper. i have found that working early and leaving late can bring a sense of fulfillment. sure, there is that whole " i have no idea what i am doing, but can't admit it " that tends to bring a little sense of realization, but i will say there is nothing a little "5pm pick me up" playlist on the work computer can't fix.
so, here i am, Director of Marketing for the Sun Dome...or, the USF Sun Dome Arena, or The "idk what the naming rights is going to be so let's just stress me out more" building. #workproblems. I have a new apartment, with a few new dresses, and a hell of a need for a tan. it will be exciting, and it will be stressful...but with some hard work and patience, and hopefully a few days off here and there, i should be doing pretty darn good. hard work pays off, if your willing to take a few leaps, or well...jumps.