gypsy

recently i found myself driving home from work, shocker, and i caught myself thinking about some things...shocker again, i know. but, these things are thoughts that i am sure everyone, well most, will have from time to time. i'd imagine that they would be more prevalent when living by yourself or after a long drive. i can see them start to come alive after talks with strangers, and even children. so, more specifically i found myself thinking about the elementary idea of leaving an impression.

i asked myself, what makes an impression, and what is the difference between an impression and a lasting impression? i found myself imagining people that have made impressions in my life. good, bad, indifferent and well, lasting. i came to the conclusion that those who make lasting impressions don't need to be friends, family or even past lovers. they can be children and even strangers. it could be something as simple as a facial expression, or an action that has the potential to leave its mark on your heart and head, forever.

mine range from friends and kind words that have been shared, to images of family when saying good bye in the driveway or freshman dorm. they consist of those who spoke words of justice in time of despair to actions of kindness in stress. there is an abundance of people and memories i can attribute who and what i am thankful for today, all because of an impression made, and chances are without any thought at all.

it can be interesting to actually take the time out of ones day, or even during that time of the day where you are winding down after a long day at work and actually think about the people that are around you. think about their lives, their differences, their preferences, their impressions. it is because of this that i feel like we are a little like gypsies during this little thing called life.. give it a second, and let me explain...

you have the young professionals, those in the military, or even those on the other end of the spectrum, song artists. these will all find themselves floating around from city to city, to state to state... now, with that in mind...it is incredible to think about all of the impressions one can make, or one has had and will have in their life. simple instances that someone chooses to remember someone or something by...

a lyric i know puts it like this ...."maybe my version of the truth is just a lie, a million perfect moments go rushin through my brain, every time i smell october you were standin in the rain, when you looked over your shoulder, baby you can choose, to remember me however you want to, but, that's how i'll remember you"

now to me, this says it simply perfect.. you have some one who has a memory of someone who has made a lasting impression. the life-like part about all of this is that it is his memory alone. i think we all have those memories, all have those who have made impressions, yet they are ours alone. there are strangers that have a vivid place in a memory that wouldn't know my face if i was staring them in the eye, and there are memories that will only be mine... life is funny in that way, and relationships are stranger yet. it reminds me to remember that each impression is different, and each memory means something different for those that they are part of. because of that, it makes it special when your best friend remembers something you may have said or done which you can barely bring to mind, or something that your mentor has said in passing that he could barely remember, yet is something that molds your career. 

because of impressions, thoughts, and memories alike we all continue to simply glide along like gypsies in this crazy thing called life. [slightly out there i realize] but, for me it is the anticipation of finding more lasting impressions, and allowing yourself to leave your mark on others and not even know it that makes each day a little different, and a whole lot exciting in the long run... and well, ya never know when you are making your mark on someones memory, hopefully it is the lasting kind. 

pretty cool if you ask me.

what she said...not the joke.

sometimes these things happen... i tend to go off at the mouth... or, mind. in which case... a blog like mine can come in handy. now, over break i found myself jotting down thoughts, messages and things to remember... not things to get a the grocery, or add to my to do list at work, but to simply treasure and therefore share on this little diddy right here...

She said to me "if you remember any thing from me remember this... Never ever go to bed angry. And well, if i know you... since your like me..that won't happen... and otherwise... ALWAYS have someone on speed dial.  Make sure you have that best friend who wakes up to a ring, and within minutes is in the garage having a cigarette listening and chiming right along."

Is that not the best thing you have ever heard. Sure it wasn't eloquent, but what in life is? Sure i am a junky of good quotes, ya know the ones that bring a tear to your eye or make you feel warm and fuzzy...but at that moment, i have never heard anything more true in my life. this was something, this was a moment that i will never, ever forget. so for all of the downs that come on a trip home, or in any stressful situation..there will always no matter what be times to take something like this away from it all. and it is for little things like that i am thankful. it is the relationships that i have built over time that allow for truth and necessity to be spoken with ease, and it is through the quality over quantity that allow me to take a step back an realize...she has never been more real, or true in her life, at least to me, which really in that minute is all that mattered.

so sure, home can be tough as can anything really... especially after being gone for so long. you are slightly out of the loop on things, and maybe a little stretched for sharing time, or well, whatever the case may be...i am not in college, and 'breaks' are a thing of the past.. [sigh] weekends sure are wonderful, but let me tell you something.. weekends are too short. and driving on 'long weekends' is even worse. so.. it is expected to go through ups and downs, lows and highs... after all it is all part of the drill.  regardless, with a heavy heart leaving is always the end plan, so it is for nights like these or talks like that which make coming home a little more special, memorable, and after a long and hectic week always gives me something to take away...

happy new year, or is it...

so the negative one in me would say exactly that. Happy New Year! But...is it? How do you know? sure we all have high hopes, aspirations and wishes for the year ahead, but how can we be so sure that it is going to happen? we do not have a crystal ball, and we certainly don't want to wish upon us any of the negative things that the year behind has brought...so what makes it a "Happy New Year!"?

One may say, who the hell are you to to be so negative, and for those.. get over it, it is in my nature... and for the rest...well you should know that i will be able to turn this into a positive in some way shape or form... well sorda, but it might take some time.. and well it has been some while.. so buckle up kids.


one can only hope that the year ahead will be full of well wishes, prosperity and love...for those that have had a great year, they can tell you that all of this may be possible. now for most, who have loved and who have lost this can be something that is slightly daunting. i reflect on something that is slightly personal to those that i love and call my own. 


now, a few years ago my family found themselves in a dark place. one that was full of sadness and more fear that one can put into words. with the holidays in full effect, and a dad in the hospital looking seriousness in the face.. things can be tricky. so sure, when one says Happy New Year while lying in a hospital bed..you better bet that it will be the case...but what about all of those who like i mentioned earlier, have loved and lost...


again, on a personal note a close family friend loses their friend, father and husband..now you can't tell me.. i don't care who you are "Happy New Year" because you know what, the past one sucked.. maybe not for the whole time, but at the end... is most definitely did. sure there was happiness scattered throughout and there were positive vibes, but one can most certainly say that during the toughest of times, no year would be a happy one. 


now, as the countdown begins, and the conversations get quiet with loved ones to our left and right... i can only think about those who won't at the stroke of midnight have the one to whisper... i love you, or happy new year. this makes me sad. very sad... but yet it is something that grips our guts and allows for the simple hope that you know what... i hope next year is better, i hope next year is happier, and i hope next year will be one for the books. not in the way that was the last, or maybe one of a darker time, but yet one of a wishful, smiling and pleasant time... because after all, we all want a Happy New Year! 


So, what makes your new year happy? Do you have it? If not, what can you do to f i n d it?

baby it's cold outside

winter kisses. so pretty.

i've found it

David Nail: The Sound of a Million Dreams
This song could not better fit what I have been trying to say about, "when a song hits you right".

Seger was singing words i could believe in

And Main Street was my street that night

so i called up Samantha and asked her the

chance of us 

runnin out 'neath the moonlight

well, she's not with me now, she can always

be found

when i rewind the radio dial

and like it was then i feel her on my skin

and im back there awhile

so i labor for hours cause i know the power

of a song when a song hits you right

pouring my soul into stories of life

hoping someone'll hear one tonight

maybe my voice will cut through the noise

and stir up an old memory

and out of these piano keys

comes the sound, the sound of a million dreams

my 18th summer i was a cocky up and comer

cranking up "Born to Run"

turned left out the drive with the pistons open wide

and i came back a prodigal son

my spirit was broken, she threw the door open

i love you not, i told you so

when i hear "Mama Tried" i still break down and cry

And pull to the side of the road

so i labor for hours cause i know the power

of a song when a song hits you right

pouring my soul into stories of life

hoping someone'll hear one tonight

maybe my voice will cut through the noise

and stir up an old memory

and out of these piano keys

comes the sound, the sound of a million dreams

so he says

as the story goes..."there is a reason for everything" but really people, really? is there a reason for everything? even as a child one asks "why?" it is human nature to question, to inquire and to push the edge... so, push as you will. 


along the trail of life, one looks for options, closes doors, and opens new windows...but with that comes trials, tribulations successes and answers. usually when the going gets tough, one says... all will work out, or it's the way it is supposed to be...or the casual, "god has a plan". now, this is all wonderful, but what about a thing called fate. you know that creepy kind. the kind where you think, you know what.. i am going to start making decisions, seeing what could happen, and maybe take a little risk. personally, to me it is the opposite of "there is a reason for everything". to me it shows well..this isn't working so let's try something else. the whole the way it's supposed to be..ain't workin'. next up?


now, when you finally make the decision to reach out, make some risks and take some changes.. he says "don't look elsewhere" [let's keep this vague for all intensive purposes]. now..to me, this is creepy. here is why... so, as a person who would rather take the high road, have things run their course and play it safe, it is always nice to have other options, you know see what other shoe may fit, but soon after making this decision, or well.. at least looking that way, one says... welp, don't do that, good things will happen. don't let the words of another push you out, and don't feel like you are not in the right place..


hmm..okay, well thanks for that. so let the confusion continue, and the clock tick. but i'll tell you what, he better be right...everything happens for a reason right? 

that ache

what makes people argue? or what about bicker, you know that nagging kind? what makes people think that they are right and automatically assume that the other is in the wrong? why is it so hard to admit ones fault? or why are there things in a relationship that make you want to go back to when it was a movie? you know, that chick flick kind. the time when you could stay up all night and talk? (does that even happen?) but then again... do we ever not want all of these things until the time? pretty needy if you ask me. sure the dates don't necessarily need the butterflies, and the awkward first kisses can willingly be a thing of the past..

as a woman, one assumes that the male does not feel or think like all of those love songs out there...but then again...the best songs are the ones where it's from a guys point of view. it evokes the "i wonder what he thinks" or "does he feel the same" or in most cases "no way a dude wrote this" [insert judgement here]

i know personally, distance is difficult, but where there is a will there is a way. with that being said, i want the edge, i want the umph, the sparkles and the shimmer. these things are all possible. trust me, i know, as do the lucky ones at one point or another. on the same topic, i love watching those who have umph... i horribly enough compare my life with the other...insert lesson here; never, ever do that. ever.

moving on...anyway, i am thankful for knowing what love is, feeling it and wanting it..but aching for it can be tough. really, aching for it.. the irritable, grumpy kind of ache. trust me, it's no fun. it sparks frustration, anger and jealousy. and well, mom always told me that green isn't my color. at all. but see, its not jealous in a negative way. (and i think i look good in green) its an anxious way, an "i want that" kind of way... so hey, maybe its the holidays, maybe its the mimosas, or welp...maybe its just that.. its the ache. here's to the flying of a few weeks.. because the holidays are better with company, and well.. at the Webster's, a stiff drink.